Man this is tough. I'm trying so hard to stay where I am and focus my energy on the anger and hurt. As unproductive as it sounds, there's a method to my self-imposed madness. I know I've got to feel it and face it if I'm ever going to move on. When it's just me and the kids, I fine for the most part, but I don't push the anger away when my W talks/texts me. I don't unload on her, but allow myself to be angry in hopes of accepting it and moving past it when my time comes. I do hate it though, it's not what I want to be.

I'm deep into those feelings of being alone. I didn't understand it before when I guess I was in denial, but I have a decent idea what people here are talking about. It really is like there's nobody you can talk too about it. You don't want people to feel as though they're in the awkward position of having to share your anger/hurt and I still do love my W deeply even though I don't want too right now. Because of that, it's just best to not say anything at all. Crying comes so easy these past few weeks, more so than ever in my adult life. I do kind of like it in that I feel relieved at times afterwards, but that's supposed to be natural.

I didn't get through this past weekend with the in-laws very well. While the kids slept in the car on the long drive, I cried for much of the trip. I don't want them to see my hurt so transparently, so I cried softly. The night before we left I was upset about my W's plans getting in the way of my efforts to get on the road at a decent time. I didn't scold her directly, but the kids asked me "why" the change in plans and my aggitation was more visible than it should in my tone and choice of words. The problem with that is that S12 gets trigger happy when he texts his mom and she says something that aggrivates him. He will take something I say and use it in his own language and add to it. Case in point, he got upset with his mom and texted her something along the lines of going to a party is more important than he is. In reality, he got that from me. When asked why their mom didn't have time I told them what she told me, that she was running late for a suprise party. When asked why she didn't pack their stuff earlier, I stated that she probably had other more important things going on earlier in the day.

Needless to say, I got a text from my W that made my heart sink and my blood boil at the same time. W - "I've had it with you. I'm tired of you telling the kids I have more important things to do. You always put $it you do first."

I've been catering to her schedule for the past few years, so the fact that she's bringing up thoughts/emotions from years back only served to frustrate me greatly. It took me an hour or so to formulate a response. It wasn't my best moment, but I wasn't accusational other than to tell her that there was a time she used to give me more credit than that and that she doesn't need to tell me she's sick of me since I got that message long ago. I told her that I'm not backhanded or malicious and I'm not evil.

I'm so angry about the whole exchange because she's getting comfort/advise from the OM. I'm not doing anything, I'm not bothering my W at all unless it's absolutely impossible not too. So I figure the only experience she has to draw on is her past failed relationship(s) and the OM's ExW who is dead set on making his life miserable and uses her kids as fuel against him. I hate him even more for that too. You're right AJ, he's my opposite and in so many ways. With me there was safety, with him is the constant threat of a crazy ex doing something unlawful and that's just one argument to make.

Anyway......

So I started the weekend knowing that anything I say that gets back to my W will be interpreted as something I'm doing to cause distance between her and her family even though I would never do that. So I sat Saturday morning with my MIL and FIL and said very little. I kept guarded and the idle chit chat to a minimum. When we parted ways, they hugged me and even though my tears didn't flow, my eyes were full of water and my speech was choked up. It hurt to not feel like I could talk to them about anything and it hurt to know that they saw me like this, but I guess crying is the only way I can tell them I'm sorry, without saying anything at all.

My W had sent me a text telling me she didn't think I was evil, that she just gets tired of the things I say to S12 and that it seems like it always makes her look bad. She stressed her desire that we can be friends.

That text aggrivated me greatly again. I told her the night before after she chewed me out that I don't talk about her, especially around the kids because I know what I say will be taken out of context. She's not even hearing me and even though I expect that, it still pains me to see it. I replied back to her that I think it's great that she wants to be friends, but right now that's impossible since I constantly feel like I'm a villain. I told her that even if she doesn't realize it, she's very accusational or curt towards me most all of the time and that it wears me down sometimes more than others. That sometimes it feels like she comes at me for being someone she's never known me to be and it leaves me wondering what it was I just did to cause that.

She replied back that she was sorry, she didn't realize that. She then admitted that it is out of character for me to be spiteful, but thought I was doing that because of the D.

Seriously?! In the very same text she told me she didn't think it was in my character to be spiteful, but thought I was being that way. Ugh! Just because I expect that she won't hear what it is I'm saying, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it's so visible.

That night my SIL and BIL met up with me and it wasn't any easier. I love them all so much and can't/won't say anything. I hesitated when asked, but I reluctantly accepted an invite to go grab a beer. I was miserable. It was what we always used to do when we met up, but I could sense the awkwardness of the whole situation and wasn't my normal cheerful self. So I was basically feeding the situation I was in. We didn't talk much since there was a live band and it was loud, but the lack of conversation made me feel even more exposed. I caught myself feeling sad and had to fight back the water swelling in my eyes. 2-3 beers made the goodbye's come easier.

The following afternoon I needed to stop by my SIL's house to get S7 on our way home. Everyone was there, acting as though everything was like it always had been and yet I was there, keeping to myself and frustrated about my situation. When we said our goodbye's I made it through 2 hugs before the tears came back. I only let 1 slip out because I didn't want my kids to see me like that.

I'm so broken right now. I want to know when I'll hit bottom so I can start to break free of all this. Time can be tough.

After I had pointed out to her that she's [mean] towards me most of the time, her tone changed. I hate it because I know her very well and she's coming off as trying hard to feel something she has no interest in feeling - concern for me. It's condescending. The past few weeks I've been back in the mode of not looking at her or acknowledging her. Before when I did that I think it was out of disbelief, but for now it's because I'm angry with her. She gave me the "you can at least acknowledge me in front of the kids" speech - again. She made a defined point the next morning to make sure I heard her say "good morning" when she realized I wasn't going to say anything to her and was in a rush to get away. Doesn't matter anyway. I knew she'd be back to life being my fault with or without a "good morning". Sure enough, she's aggitated with me again today and popped off at me for not having said something to her about S7's class party today. Hmmmmm......instead of thinking that there was a slight possibility that I might have forgotten about the party the same way she did, it's all my fault for not having said something to her the day before or whenever.

I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me, but I'm not 100% sure what it's going to take to get me there. I'm afraid it's going to take my 100% commitment to letting go of my W for good. It's a long story and I won't go into it now, but I have a very good reason to believe that if I let go of her, there will never be anyone else for me and I'm afraid of that possibility. I'm not saying there won't be someone else at some point, just please believe me there's a reason there's depth to my believing my soon to be ExW is the end of the road for me. Some call it coincidence, but I don't believe in that very much anymore.

Somewhere along my path I lost my manhood. I'm trying to get it back while maintaining the lessons I've learned since MLC started. It's just feels really hard to do right now. It's even more difficult when S12 expresses his anger towards his mother and says it would be awesome if I was dating someone. I know he's angry with his mom, but I know that's not the answer, especially in my current train wreck state of mind.