Re OM I didnt explain it v well on here. Had a long discussion with coach about my action - which should be to let it run its course.
However, when W raised OM, one of the things she said was he understands her, in relation to the fact OM left his W earlier this year.
Coach said that a normal reaction would be to rubbish OM etc etc, that she may be expecting that reaction from me. But if I had it in me to champion him instead, and say something along the lines of "its good that you have such a close friend who is helping you through this", then it would be the complete opposite of what W would be expecting me to say. It would show I am not threatened by OM and give the added benefit of strength/self confidence - attractive qualities. It would also make W comfortable talking about him instead of hiding it, which builds trust until eventually she may confide in me instead of or as well as OM.
Does that make sense? Its a long shot when really I want to knock OM into the sea and drown him (and thats being nice). But I can see how it could work. Lets face it, I have nothing to lose when the other option is to say and do nothing.
As I say I am not sure I could say it convincingly enough to mean it without W seeing through it though.
Another quick point forgot to add re OM. My own research into MLC is that MLCer views the spouse as the enemy - the reason for why the feel like they do and the barrier to them achieving happiness. But we knew that already. They want to hate the spouse.
The OM is her person to confide in - her hero. Who will validate those feelings W has about me and offer advice (usually in his benefit). By telling W no contact etc etc or rubbishing OM, I am strengthening their bond and view that I don't understand her and that I am trying to break up their friendship - i.e. ruin W happiness.
By championing him then maybe (and s alight maybe) this will help W see me differently. That I am not the enemy trying to make her unhappy/ruin her fantasy and in fact there to support her as well.
Interesting. Like our buddy Cadet likes to say, much of DB is counter intuitive.
My fear would be that when you feel like this:
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when really I want to knock OM into the sea and drown him (and thats being nice).
which is of course understandable, you may build up more and more resentment while doing the “champion OM act” until you can’t take any longer and then explode in anger. Maybe this is why your coach asked if you thought you “had it in you” to do this. I also thinks wives, and even husbands, who are (or were) close, can usually tell when their spouse is lying.
Then too, I always wonder if wife would think "hay cool, H is ok with this" when clearly I am not. I think it may be better to let her know my true feelings instead of playing some fake game. IDK
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY just seen ur earlier post, lol, they are confused! See what happens tnite. Sort of reminded me of when kids used to sneak into our bed when they were younger
Re ur last post u make a good point and it was v much if I have it in me. Which I don't! I am doing a good job of blanking the EA out most of the time because I know W will not cut it off. She still does not see it as an EA - just good friends. W has not mentioned it since so I will just let sleeping dogs lie at the moment and deal with things as they arise.
I don't want to undo the work I have done by giving W anymore excuses to scream and yell! There has been more of that from W since BD than our entire 13yrs put together. I will keep on my path which at the moment is to be the best dad I can be for S whilst he goes thru this. Everything else needs to take a backseat until we have a good routine established again.
I will of course continue with 180s etc. When does a 180 stop becoming a 180 and normal behaviour? A lot are just becoming roputine now.
Appreciate I am posting a lot at the moment but am I seeing any signs. I know its early and I am accepting S, but...
Shortly after BD(before I discovered DB) W complained her slippers were starting to wear. So when I was in town I got her a new pair (wrong I know!). She kept them in the back, and got her old slippers repaired n continued wearing them.
Tonite when I got back home she had the new slippers on. I even checked the old ones and they looked ok to me.
I mean slippers, I can't believe I am looking at slippers as a sign...but...piecing together 1 or 2 other possible signs: - Communication has improved a lot. - Secrecy is less, she even leaves her mobile lying around and keeps her FB page open when I walk in the room. - She tells me about her plans for the day instead of just vanishing, she tells me where she is going in the evenings - we have had a couple more civlised conversations re living arrangements, furniture etc. - she mistakenly got into the M bed last night, she is sleeping in her own bed tonight - and now yes, the slippers
Not that I am thinking major breakthrough, just small signs things are improving.
Or am I just a fool?
The other thing is I thought about offering to help clean the house. W looked exhausted and I felt for her. The house she is renting is a mess apparently inside. Its a decent place, but needs painting, cleaning etc. Or is my current strategy of giving her the time to do it, by looking after S the better one?
She looked like she cld use the space from me as well.
Yes, I agree you have some small positive signs there, (although I'm not convinced on the slippers, lol ) but don't get too excited. You have a way to go and most certainly will have negative signs too. The key is to not to get too excited, or too depressed when these signs appear.
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The other thing is I thought about offering to help clean the house. W looked exhausted and I felt for her. The house she is renting is a mess apparently inside. Its a decent place, but needs painting, cleaning etc. Or is my current strategy of giving her the time to do it, by looking after S the better one?
On one end you can play tough and do nothing so she see's what she's missing and learns that the grass isn't greener on the other side. To me this smacks of "Teaching her a lesson" which seems too vindictive to foster lasting love. Why would she come back to a H who barely gives her the time of day?
On the other end you can be the best friend and do everything you can for her, to show how much you love her. To me this smacks of "Doormat". Why would she come back when her new life is so comfortable and she still has you to take care of many of her needs?
You need to find a happy medium that you feel is right for your particular sitch. This "happy medium" can fluctuate as time goes on. You know, the whole "Reward positive behavior" thing.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Mid text exchange I told her to let me know if she needed help. She text back we cld discuss. I left it at that, if she needs me she will ask. She has a couple of friends helping her and I am keeping the main household going and looking after S whilst she gets organised, which W does show appreciation for.
Still no shouting! But W mum getting on W nerves now interfering with the move! W taking offence because she thinks MIL talks to her like she's stupid! Points out the obvious. W still carries a lot of anger for her mother from childhood. It keeps creeping out occasionally.
Getting along fine with W and just letting her do her thing. Not looking forward to the actual move tho! But I am starting to picture post S without as much negativity and it will help with detachment.
W set out early today to work on her place. Me n S had a chilled out day as were both full of a cold n the weather is awful . But he helped me do the vacuuming and the wash basket is empty. It was nice spending time in the house with S.
DB continues along the right path. Did not txt W all day. She text about 7.30 sayin'how r u both?' And did I mind if she stayed later at her place or does she need me back for S. I replied sayin were both good, take as much time as u like. She replied saying thanks, I rly appreciate it.
Again, not a lot to some, but I feel much less tension in the air and our communication continues to improve.
Being with S is great therapy tho as we do have a good time together. His behaviour has been great too.
. But he helped me do the vacuuming and the wash basket is empty. It was nice spending time in the house with S.