Exactly, it's the whole happiness trap thing. They think happiness comes from others and that if they're not happy they just need to change their R. The book The Happiness Trap goes into this at length and about how society and Hollywood give us a completely false perception of life- we’re trained that we’re supposed to be happy ALL the time and if we’re not then something is wrong. Truth is we all experience a full range of emotions each day, happiness is just one of them. It’s wrong to view some emotions as good and others as bad because then we try to chase the “good” ones and push the “bad” ones away. The harder we push, the bigger and badder they are when they return. The book teaches that we should accept all emotions as part of life and quit trying to fight them, but learn to live in harmony with them. Our true goal in life shouldn’t be happiness, but contentment. Because happiness, sadness, anger, etc. are all fleeting. We need to find a place where we can be content regardless of our emotions. I think in a lot of ways that’s what DB’ing is about- teaching us to be content with our situation regardless of what our spouse is doing. Because if we’re content, we will be fine whether the spouse returns or not, and we will be fine no matter how long we decide to stand.
AS, I just wanted to say thank you for all your insight and support on the boards for so many people. I love what you wrote above about emotions and the trap we get into because of society's perceptions and expectations.
I also like what you wrote about the difference between marriages that stay together and those that don't is the willingness of the spouses to work on things. So so true.
You are very wise and very kind and I so appreciate your comments all over the board. Thank you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
