Hi AKgal, I haven't posted to you in forever but I have to put my 2 cents in on this. Maybe it will help, I hope so. I deal with these feelings of resentment and anger ALOT! In my sitch I really have to rely on my faith...it is the only thing that helps at times.
First I have to tell myself, I have a big part in the way the R has deteriorated. Yes, H is just as guilty, but this is where we decide if it's worth it to hold onto those negative feelings. I have let God minister to me and that helps me forgive. I am not normally a forgiving person, so that is a HUGE thing for me.
We also have to realize, these WAs are very hurt and disillusioned, too. I think we tend to focus in on our pain and anguish and feel that the WA is happy and satisfied without us. As a defense mechanism, they do act hard hearted and say the most awful, hurtful things. But we have to KNOW that they are scared and hurting, as well. If we put ourself in their shoes, we can find some empathy for them.
Basically what I am saying is we have to decide what we really want. I think we all have learned this R and M thing is not walk in the park. It is a JOB and very hard work! Selfishly we want to protect our heart and feelings, and that is human. But if we love this person enough to fight for our R, and realize it might not ever be perfect, we need to forgive and start over.
It takes ALOT of effort for me but I am doing well. I have let the Lord give me what it takes to deal with it. I can't do it alone. I pray on a daily basis that He would take my insecurity, selfishnesss and unforgiveness and cast then away from me forever. He is doing so. I still have those days where I let the negative stuff creep in, then I have to try extra hard.
Let God guide you, I know you are a spiritual person. We need to let go and let Him lead us. I agree if you are having and off day, don't contact H. I will blow it when I am emotional and negative. I have alot of verses from the bible that I use to strengthen me.
You have come so far in your DBing journey. Your H is still in the game so focus on that! Don't let the negative thoughts plague you. Is the material stuff important enough for him to lead you on for? I doubt it. When someone is truely "done" I doubt they will try so hard when they can get the stuff back in D court. You take care of you and relax a bit. Let your faith make you strong and be kind to you and your H! I will keep you in prayer. God bless!
I must agree with Shiny and Sad-and-Lonely. They have put it in a nutshell. We have all felt everything that you are feeling right now and you are feeling everything that your husband has felt.
Most of the time we are allowed to feel these feelings in order to understand where the other person is coming from. That is how we develop compassion for the other person. If you never felt what they were feeling, how could you understand where they were coming from.
I can guarantee you that before he left and said the things that he said he felt the very same way you are feeling now. He just didn't know how to come out and say it.
The reason for the dbing is to help you change and help you to see what you were doing in the relationship that helped to bring it where it is. We all have a hard time looking at ourselves. Then when we do see what we were doing and change it, we automatically expect them to just come running back. We know that we are making changes and we finally got what they have been trying to tell us, but we forget that it took us how long to figure out what we were doing. It took them how long to get to the point where they are at now and then overnight we want them to return and work through everything that they have been going through.
It doesn't work that way as much as we would like it too. We have to give them time and ourselves time. The problem with it is, is if they were to come back as soon as we figured out what we did, what is to say we wouldn't go back to the same old routine. We have to make the changes perminant. Then we have to give them the time to trust those changes and then make their own.
I would love to have my husband back right now, but he is not ready and the Lord isn't finished with him yet. If he were to come back right now, we would probably end up here again because he has not completely healed. Without being completely healed, then he has not let go of all of his resentment. Just as you have not let go of all of yours. Then if I were to do something that reminded him and brought all those feelings back, then we would be right back here again.
As much as you would like things to go back to what they were before all of this happened, they never will. Your relationship is going to change. It is going to become stronger, but you have to be patient in order to get there.
All the anger and everything that you are feeling inside, has to come out and has to be dealt with, but not while he is there. Then to him it would just be more of the same behavior that you had before. You are trying to show him that you have changed. Well, you are starting to change and become a better person, but it is going to take time and patience to get there.
So give yourself some time and just work on you and what you are feeling. Get all the resentment and bitterness out. Learn to forgive him for the things that he has done and remember the things that both of you have done is a reaction to the things that we around you during that time.
Quote: Does anyone else or has anyone else felt this way??? One minute happy at chance to work on marriage again..then next resentful that I am the one doing all the work once again...
Yes, Alaskangal, yes! I know JUST how you feel!
The closer I get to H and the more we are getting on, the more I have feedback from friends and family that I must be mad, when H is so selfish, arrogant, did a runner, bunked his responsibilities, (or tried to), put me down, blah blah blah.
So, why am I trying to save my marriage? When he is grandly telling me that he won't come back to me, it will never happen etc. EVERYTHING seems to be about what HE wants!!! What HE sees, what HE feels, what HE decides, what HE thinks will work, what HE thinks I am like etc etc.
I'm really the villain here, right?
But, I did marry him, we did have good times, I do love him still, we do have a daughter, EVERYONE has flaws and annoying things, we can fall out with anyone - parents, siblings, friends, children etc. Working on things you have seems to be the better option that always believing that change is the answer - that other people are the problem, never us or our behaviour.
Here's a quote I like - by James Joyce I believe.
"Really, the secret of having it all, is loving it all"
Remember Alaskangal, if you undertake to DB, you will come out of this a winner, whether you save your marriage or not; you won't turn into a bitter and twisted and grief stricken basket case! You need to keep things 'nice' for your son.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I'm glad that others have chimed in here, to let you know that being a "ball of emotion" can be a perfectly normal thing for you right now. Keeping a check on these feelings can be so tough, and so overwhelming at times. It really makes it difficult to keep your focus on what you want, and can make it hard to really decide what it is that you want.
It seems pretty obvious to me that you DO still love him, or else you wouldn't be having such difficulties with what you're going through right now, is that correct? Maybe there's just a lot of frustrations about how your marriage is going right now, which is perfectly understandable. Things seem to be on the fence, and look to you like they could go either way.
One of the things that helped me the most during times like these was making a "decision" to put my thoughts of divorce off to the side. Not really to "never" divorce, but to put that decision off until "next week". And then the next. I noticed that while I was sitting on the fence, and kept focusing with the "daily" and hourly thoughts of what I was going to do, my feelings about it kept bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball.
During each week that I decided that "divorce was not an option" (at least not until next week, anyway! ), it became easier to focus on working my small goals, and seeing that even though things weren't exactly where I wanted them to be, there was some progress being made. Maybe not always in the way that I had envisioned, but there was some positive change going on, nonetheless.
You've come a long way, my dear, and are well versed in what it takes to take things "one day at a time". Try to use these skills to decide to take your thoughts of divorce maybe one week at a time, take any thoughts of divorce off the table for just this one week, and see if this might help you.
Quote: And in true DB form I must ask....what are your specific goals for the next 9 days?
Yes, that's where I would go next, too!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks for all the valuable input from each and every one of you...am reading and rereading your posts to let them sink into my thick head.
My goals for the next nine days? Well, not so much relationship goals..just overall goals are as follows....
Get article done for Alaska Business Monthly Magazine. Get first chapter of book done for Lucent Publishing Co. Get house cleaned up from holidays. Keep driveway clear of snow. Do not argue with H. Try to be less needy and less controlling. Try to be less available to H.
Try not to think about what he may be plotting. He can and has been cruel and manipulative in the past...I need to let the past go...and just take one day at a time....I have to put it out of my head that he has said before he was only acting to get his own way....but I have some serious fears surrounding this still. Even though I asked him right out if it was ok for me to be thinking that he was coming home and we were going ice fishing and we were going to work on things. Now my over analytical mind is saying it's okay for me to be thinking that...but only because it's keeping the peace...and that isn't what's really going on with him. Geez. I can mind trip myself to hell and back.
Stay sober.
Quoting JJ...One of the things that helped me the most during times like these was making a "decision" to put my thoughts of divorce off to the side. Not really to "never" divorce, but to put that decision off until "next week". And then the next. I noticed that while I was sitting on the fence, and kept focusing with the "daily" and hourly thoughts of what I was going to do, my feelings about it kept bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball.
During each week that I decided that "divorce was not an option" (at least not until next week, anyway! ), it became easier to focus on working my small goals, and seeing that even though things weren't exactly where I wanted them to be, there was some progress being made. Maybe not always in the way that I had envisioned, but there was some positive change going on, nonetheless.
You've come a long way, my dear, and are well versed in what it takes to take things "one day at a time". Try to use these skills to decide to take your thoughts of divorce maybe one week at a time, take any thoughts of divorce off the table for just this one week, and see if this might help you. End of Quote...
Ok, it is getting easier ....but divorce thoughts do still loom in my head...I am trying so hard to trust him, but he has not been trustworthy with my feelings....recently. So it is difficult. He has called me terrible names, threatened me, and hurt me deeply. He has power played with the money situation ...taking me off his account so that I have no power and he has it all... I feel like the typical isolated, abused woman. He just hasn't hit me recently ... although he has hit me twice during our marriage. I don't know...am I a fool? A fool to believe this marriage's problems can be solved?
I am trying also, with my goals for the week, to be solution focused...not problem focused...but it's hard.
I desperately want to go out dancing...just listen to tunes and shake it...forget all about him and problems for an evening...but none of AA friends like going to bars...and one girlfriend who supports me in nondrinking that is nonAA can't go out tonight...ARRRGGH....
Ok...he is off work now and he can call. I am not going to call him tonight...no matter what. He can dial a phone. He can make an effort.
I am not going to call. I promise myself...so, what to do? I have to kill a few hours...Robin Williams is on HBO...gonna go watch him and laugh...Son is spending night with friends...dog is spending night barking at moose out back...in and out ...in and out...that dog is a pain in the butt tonight..LOL...he just hates having moose in HIS yard....it's making him crazed.
Great...now there are two obsessed souls in my house...my dog and me...LOL
Ok...it's 8 and I still haven't called him. He hasn't called me either. It's a Mexican Stand off...the agreement is that we speak every night...if I don't call or beep him during the day...and I didn't at all today...so now I am wavering...thinking that by 9 if he hasn't called I will want to call...but argh...am confused....
Well..chose the lesser of two evils...didn't call, but beeped him and asked him in a light tone of voice to give me a call before he went to bed. We'll see.
He just called. We talked for a bit. I did a bit of a 180 after reading in Divorce Remedy for a while tonight. I mentioned us doing some work around the house and said how I thought we should continue with that, since it made us both happy. We are both very happy when working on our home and get a sense of pride from making our home look nice. I also asked him where he wanted his clothes, as I had put them in the spare room. I asked if he wanted me to leave them there or if he wanted them upstairs in our room. He said he planned on sleeping upstairs.
I said good, because I am horny. I asked if he was, he did not respond. I said, well you must be a little. Again no response, so I let it drop.
Now, the 180 is this... I am always the one saying things are going to work between us. So, tonight I said, working on the house is a good idea as if things don't work between us then it will just improve the value of the house for when we have to sell it. He did not comment. I hope it got him thinking that he is not the only one who can think about working on things...but also think about divorce. Now, I know this may seem a strange tactic...but I am always the one saying things will work, let's work it out...we can be happy, etc. I guess the 180 was to make him understand that I have some reservations, too, and that maybe he is not in as much control of things as he thinks. I am always the needy one who pursues as he withdraws..that is our pattern. So, tonight, I realized I need to once again break that pattern..I have done so in the past...I can do it again. Tomorrow, I am going to try and be busy ...too busy to call him tomorrow night. I have plans to go out with a friend at 9..so will spend time between 6-9 when I wait for him to call...getting all dolled up and then will get out of the house....let him wonder a bit. Have to be careful though...don't want him to think I am drinking...I am not, but that thought would send him reeling. I know my drinking hurt him and he couldn't take it if he thought I had started again...so need to be careful of making him too insecure...as to my whereabouts.
I got off the phone first saying good night and did not say I love you.
That was another 180 for me.
He is sick right now and I felt sorry for him. He also sounds very depressed. I hope he feels a bit better tomorrow.
I feel better today. Am hoping he is really going to make an effort to make our marriage work...but know that I can only control myself and my actions. Have to continue to let go and let God.
Can someone tell me what each of the five love languages are? Does anyone know? I am interested in figuring out which is mine and which is h's.
I am affection and word driven. I love presents.
H is more into me being domestic and keeping house looking nice and cooking good meals, etc. He does need to be told he's done a good job a lot when he does something around the house...always wants me to come and see...
I think we both could do better at reassuring each other that we appreciate each other's good points and talents. We have done little of that in the last two and a half months or so...the months before that were getting so much better... anyways, any love language experts out there?
), it became easier to focus on working my small goals, and seeing that even though things weren't exactly where I wanted them to be, there was some progress being made. Maybe not always in the way that I had envisioned, but there was some positive change going on, nonetheless.
