Still together but trying to save this

[AnotherStander]

AYes, I had a major anxiety problem that I was not admitting to, not even to myself, and I never sought help. I have talked to all of my friends and family about it and got that monkey off my back. That in itself helped me a lot. Just knowing that I could rely on people and that I didn't have to face my anxiety on my own. I am taking some medication and that is helping and I have been going to a therapist to get to the root of my anxiety issues.

Great, it sounds like you're making a serious effort to get that under control. Most of your 180's will probably come naturally as a result of controlling that.

Apparently she did not but would smile and nod and then go tell her friends that I was too controlling. When all she had to do was tell me, "Ya know, I think we should do it this way instead." She has told me that she never did that because she was afraid that we would get into a fight, and she didn't want to get upset or upset me.

Yeah, my W is/ was much the same. It makes communication VERY difficult. All I can offer on that is just ask a lot of questions! "How do you feel about this?" "I was thinking we could do this, but do you have another idea?" And if she offers an idea, don't react negatively, but make it sound like the best thing ever! "Wow, I love that idea!" What's funny is I've found that even if I don't totally like my W's idea, if I tell her I do then eventually she'll find the flaw in it herself and tell me about it later.

That fear is unbased since we never fought (like 5 actual arguments in 6 years).

Ha! Yeah, I'd say W and I had a big fight maybe 6 times in 20 years! Yet despite that rarity she was scared to death of confrontations. So that's a big 180 for you and me both- we've got to demonstrate to our W's that they need have no fear of confrontations. For me that has meant that when an issue comes up (and they do even after S), we sit and talk about it calmly adult-to-adult and I ask W for her input, and show her complete respect in the conversation.

Oh and to clarify, I don't want to go back to the old marriage either.

Good, because if your focus is on a new, better R then your W will perceive that is your goal. Going back to status quo won't work.

Ok, update. I did cave a little. I sent her a text back that said:

Yeah, that looks like a good response!

IMO, she is wondering what is going on in your head. I stress that this is my opinion only, and I do recognize that I am mind reading (not recommended). I absolutely could be wrong. So please read this with extreme caution. I don't want to get your hopes up.

My point is that I do see progress with what you are doing.

My W behaved similar to that early on after BD, but it was driven out of guilt. She was trying to do a temperature check on me not because she had any interest in reconciling, but because she was concerned about what she had done to me. I learned this later from my brother.

I also disagree that you are not in the place for LRT. There is an OM and she has told you that she wants a D. MWD is clear that those are two scenerios where you should be in LRT. I agree with her.

Good point. It sounds like most of his problems stemmed from the anxiety issues and that is now under control or close to it, so W is probably seeing that as a 180. It may take some time for her to believe it's permanent, but the groundwork is there, so LRT may not be such a drastic move as I thought before.

Your goal is to confuse her thinking. Make her wonder if she is doing the right thing by being with OM. You do that by making her wonder if she is losing you, that you are no longer an option for her. You do that by being polite and kind when you talk to her. YOu do that by working on your 180's and letting her notice from afar... and if you do it right, she WILL see it.

Yes, this!! And by not applying any pressure. No R talks at all. Always show her PMA, confidence, contentment, strength.

Apparently my wife has had issue with me being too "money oriented". I take a couple of issues with this. I have always been a financially responsible person. In fact when I met my wife, she was in a bad place financially.

Good grief, are you and I married to the same woman?? My W also had financial issues that I helped her resolve, I gave her advice but let her make the decisions. Then she had more financial issues after we married, but she kept them a secret from me because she was afraid of the confrontation. When I found out about it we worked out a plan to get her on better financial footing. She was thrilled at the time, but now I'm hearing the same things about me being too money oriented and controlling.

I take major issue with that.

Don't, just let it go. That's just her current perception, it's part of rewriting of history to support her desire to walk. The way it's playing out in my case is W is out on her own now and overdraws her account about once a week. I brought us out of all debt, even our house and cars were paid off. Credit cards paid off every month. Very comfortable financial position. I would imagine at some point she'll start asking herself if I really was being "controlling" with the money, or maybe I was just being prudent. But she's got to figure it out on her own.