Thanks for all the valuable input from each and every one of you...am reading and rereading your posts to let them sink into my thick head.
My goals for the next nine days? Well, not so much relationship goals..just overall goals are as follows....
Get article done for Alaska Business Monthly Magazine. Get first chapter of book done for Lucent Publishing Co. Get house cleaned up from holidays. Keep driveway clear of snow. Do not argue with H. Try to be less needy and less controlling. Try to be less available to H.
Try not to think about what he may be plotting. He can and has been cruel and manipulative in the past...I need to let the past go...and just take one day at a time....I have to put it out of my head that he has said before he was only acting to get his own way....but I have some serious fears surrounding this still. Even though I asked him right out if it was ok for me to be thinking that he was coming home and we were going ice fishing and we were going to work on things. Now my over analytical mind is saying it's okay for me to be thinking that...but only because it's keeping the peace...and that isn't what's really going on with him. Geez. I can mind trip myself to hell and back.
Stay sober.
Quoting JJ...One of the things that helped me the most during times like these was making a "decision" to put my thoughts of divorce off to the side. Not really to "never" divorce, but to put that decision off until "next week". And then the next. I noticed that while I was sitting on the fence, and kept focusing with the "daily" and hourly thoughts of what I was going to do, my feelings about it kept bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball.
During each week that I decided that "divorce was not an option" (at least not until next week, anyway! ), it became easier to focus on working my small goals, and seeing that even though things weren't exactly where I wanted them to be, there was some progress being made. Maybe not always in the way that I had envisioned, but there was some positive change going on, nonetheless.
You've come a long way, my dear, and are well versed in what it takes to take things "one day at a time". Try to use these skills to decide to take your thoughts of divorce maybe one week at a time, take any thoughts of divorce off the table for just this one week, and see if this might help you. End of Quote...
Ok, it is getting easier ....but divorce thoughts do still loom in my head...I am trying so hard to trust him, but he has not been trustworthy with my feelings....recently. So it is difficult. He has called me terrible names, threatened me, and hurt me deeply. He has power played with the money situation ...taking me off his account so that I have no power and he has it all... I feel like the typical isolated, abused woman. He just hasn't hit me recently ... although he has hit me twice during our marriage. I don't know...am I a fool? A fool to believe this marriage's problems can be solved?
I am trying also, with my goals for the week, to be solution focused...not problem focused...but it's hard.
I desperately want to go out dancing...just listen to tunes and shake it...forget all about him and problems for an evening...but none of AA friends like going to bars...and one girlfriend who supports me in nondrinking that is nonAA can't go out tonight...ARRRGGH....
