So I took the kids in there first ever trick or treating tonight. We went with friends and their children. The kids loved it, we were gone maybe a little over two and a half hours. They got so many lollies I don't know they will be able to eat them all lol


They called H when they got home, he called them back in Skype. I could see him but was standing where he couldn't see me. He looked so sad. He wasent interested in talking to me but that's okay. I'll live and I'm not going to let it ruin my night.

After he hung up I heard my children talking,
S8: Well I guess Dads really not coming home this time, He's been gone for ages.
D9: He had been gone a really long time.
S8: It's okay we're over it by now
D9: we're not over it that much
S8: I am, I'm used to it by now, I'm used to him not being here.
D9: I'm not really over it.

frown What a crappy situation. I really don't think H has realized the extent this has/is affecting them.

I just want to state that H wasent all bad, all the time. He does have a lot of good points. He is kind and will do anything to help anyone, unfortunately the children and I were not a top priority a lot of the time.
There were times when we were just not all the time.
He can be sweet and loving.
He was a really great Dad at one stage.

Thinking back on it now, I think it is a MLC, I'd have to say that if I'm right, he's about two years into it. He has always had these bad points but I'd have to say it really escalated in the past couple of years.
About 18 months ago was when the exercising and new clothes, aftershaves etc started.
His moods became much worse and much more frequent.
He can go from a good, happy mood to be seriously pissed off, then remorseful, upset and than happy again in a matter of about 5 mins.
It seems he moved out as soon as he possibly could afford it. Right after we had just finished paying off a bunch of debts.
There's no way he could have moved out any sooner because of finances. Well unless he stopped spending money on crap every week.

Everyone says how he is a real Jekyll and hide!
He can be the sweetest most caring, generous guy one minute, then the most moody, aggressive arse hole the next.

I do see an "alien" in him. He's indecisive, very indecisive. That's one thing H has never been. Lately I've heard/ seen a lot of that.

As for me, it really is bittersweet. I love not having that tension, aggression and moodiness in my life, I love feeling free! I love not having to worry about what H will say. I can do what I want, when I want without having to worry. I can buy the clothes I like, without worrying what H will say. I can cook without worrying if it's good enough. Right now everything I do IS good enough! I'm doing my best and I don't have anyone there to tell me my best is not good enough!

On the other hand I do miss him. I miss the fun we had together, I miss seeing him playing with the kids. I miss his randomness and spontaneousness (Is that a word? Lol)
I miss his cuddles, the way he couldn't keep his hands off me.
I miss going for long drives with him. I miss the way his energy can brighten up the room. I miss his quirky sense of humor. I miss his kind, caring side.
I miss how he was always there for me when I needed him the most.
I miss his laugh, his smile, I miss him.

I do like me a lot better now though. I have had a couple of people comment that I seem happier now. ( I'm not at time but at times I actually am because I'm starting to feel like I can actually be me.)
I have had comments that I look really good too. I have lost a little bit of weight, I'm not overly big but I do have weight to loose. Mainly my legs and arse lol.
I have been loosing weight but I think that's just stress and the fact that I don't have H making midnight snacks for me anymore, lol

It's just so strange today. Half of me is happy, excited and at peace but the other half is just sad and wants to analyze everything.
Half of me wants him back sooo badly, the other half says no way!
I feel a strange sense of peace and contentment but yet I feel confusion and discontentment.

I don't think I have ever felt so many emotions at one time. It's a weird life right now.

M: 29, H: 31
D: 9
S: 8
T: 13 Y
M: 9 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012
~~~~
Worrying does not empty tomorrow
of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths