Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

Hopeful, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I, too, do so much better when I don't see H. I have stopped seeing his reaching out to me as an indication of a desire for reconciliation. Its more a need for reassurance. Still, VERY tough on the emotions.

dawnmarie, hello, and I'm so sorry you are also on this terrible journey. I agree with much of what you said -- except I don't think it's one sided. Below I say what my H said when I asked him about his thoughts on my feelings. They are just too wrapped up in their own pain to even begin to think about ours! (I'm aging much too fast too)

GALbaby, thanks for the birthday wishes. Hot tears rolled out of my eyes more than once that evening. It was just killing me thinking this is probably our last holiday as an intact family. But our S13 seemed happy and enjoyed the family routine.

Sweetbriar, snodderly's advice IS awesome isn't it? For now, I think my H's main companion is the bottle, but I'm dreading the day it's an OW. I'm so sorry you have this broken perfect life.

Snodderly, I'm glad you think it was alright to comfort him. He seemed to need it so much and it seemed to help him work through some things. I read several of your posts elsewhere yesterday and it helped me get through the day. Especially the advice of turning back my focus to me and my family. Helped me to stop just crying and looking out the window!

Journaling my thoughts:

I've got these thoughts about H and what he said that won't rest until I write them down.

S19 told me, when describing his talk with H that he seems "driven to do this thing", which is exactly what I feel too. My DB coach and L described the same thing. S19 also said H told him that H still loves me. I think that was comforting for S19.

On Sunday I asked H what he thinks when he thinks about how I feel. H (through tears) said he doesn't think about it. He said that as hard as it is to be doing what he is doing....it must be much worse to to have it be done to you! So whenever his mind wanders to thinking how I feel, he steers far clear of it because he can't bear to go there.

When he bought his Mercedes at the end of July, he was almost normal for 2-3 weeks. Then he announced he is ready for D.

He is looking, looking hard as Snodderly said. He told me he is watching other people trying to figure out what makes them happy.

Whenever I mention friends of ours that appear to be happy after working through a crisis, he is scornful. He says we don't know what the man is thinking. He might be miserable. So I don't know who he knows that is happy. He said all of his friends now are single but he is looking at people in R's to see what makes them joyful.

He cried bitterly with both me and S19 and said the absolute best thing is for him to come back but he says over and over again "I don't know how to make it work."

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "you made a poor choice with me".

He seems so depressed. The drinking, crying, sleeping, shaking, feeling like a failure.

He seems to want to contact me plenty. And to feel he is part of the family. I remember this summer him seeming to want to be as far away from me as possible on visits and now he is drawn to me as the moth to the flame.

He asked S19 to do a chore the other night in the house that I had asked him to do weeks ago but didn't. (GALbaby thinking of your son) H asked again and said S19 glared at him but did the job. H told me privately that he felt like S was giving him a look like "you don't live up to your responsibilities, why should I live up to mine?" Guilt?

I had an abnormal routine doctor checkup yesterday and H is concerned. He called and texted a bunch. I won't know more till next week.

We got into the $ amount on the phone. He said he is getting advice from his mother and others that he should pay only a year of spousal support b/c they say I'll move on and get with someone else and he'll be paying for our household. This kinda talk REALLY pi$$es me off, especially coming from his mother. But H pointed out she has always treated me like crap, why should she change now?

So...just getting these emotions out. I feel about H like a child. I'm so worried about him, yet I have to get a solid commitment for my future from him, despite how that'll hurt him. I told him I want half his take home salary for five years until S13 turns 18. It'll give me some flexibility with not having to work immediately and minimizing the impact on our home.

H says, "and half of everything else?". I said "yes". I listed all the ways I have contributed to the family and his current financial success and our great boys. I pointed out those things just "didn't happen". I said if we don't care for S13 now it would be a huge mistake.

H texted me later and said he would think about what I said and he was going to go and get drunk.

We have a L appointment for tomorrow afternoon at 3 pm together. Presumably to file. I'm anticipating some hugging in the parking lot afterward. Lol! It all seems so surreal to me.