Sweetbriar, They need the time to focus on themselves and the only way to do that is to leave them alone as much as possible. Keep in mind, the affair is only a symptom of the depression/mlc, just as alcohol, spending, gambling, internet, drugs, etc. If they aren't allowed to experience these things full throttle, they won't get to the point of working through their pain and hitting bottom.
Oh, they do have time to focus on their issues, especially at night, when it's quiet and there is nothing to keep them busy. There will be times when he will zone out and sit around thinking about things and the ow and other self-medications can only work for so long before he goes searching for something new. The novelty does wear off at some point for each of them.
If we are in contact w/them or trying to get them to interact w/us, as well as "expecting" them to act like adults and face their responsibilities on the home front, they can't focus on facing their own issues and then healing.
Your h is not only caught up in his affair (lust) right now, but his new found freedom w/no responsibilities. He's a teenager all over again and he's wiser this time around because he knows what he can get away w/and has the money to do so. Many of them are not as wise as they should be because of STDs and using protection...they tend to forget about that aspect of things.
BTW, they do tend to compartmentalize all aspects of their lives right now and that's how they manage to function in the "real" world.
You may want to read the thread "Why They Run Away". It will provide you w/some insight into their mlc minds.
I'll take a look at your thread and provide you w/my opinion.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, I have read as much of you stuff as I can find and would love to talk to you. your words have been the ones I copy and past into pdf to read over and over.
I just finished my thoughts on why they run. I would really appreciate it if you would look over my thread as I think I may be on the verge of ruining some really hard work. I lost my bootcamp with zig - I really miss her.
Thank you, in advance if you come join me.
Sorry again!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
H also has had plans for his "new life" he hasn't done at all. Never has ridden his mountain bike since he moved out. No journaling, extra gym workouts, etc. Just parties. And drinks.
Hi, RH I have been reading over your thread (it was the name I gotta say).
Your story has some familiarities to mine especially the part that you still have compassion for your h.
Yesterday my h was so down and now he gets cold so easily ( no warmth in this man) I felt so bad, covered him and an hour later listened to him spew about how his "new life" he was after didn't work.
Like yours he's done nothing other than begin smoking, smoking pot, and now some drinking is entering the mix. All his dreams for a better like un met.
Your h sound like he's still trying to maintain a link to you. My H doesn't want to leave me, or if he does move out wants to remain tethered.
Is this fair to us, would a clean bandad pull be easier. I rather need the contact but I feel as if I'm only hurting myself...because nothing is better no matter what I do.
Your S sounds awesome to be able to talk to h. My adult S"s don't even try any more, I feel silly sometimes when they see me talking or laughing to H, like they can move on why can't I.
You say your numb - that's were I can really relate as well. I call it my zombie state. I'm getting a little better these days but I'm still not happy happy girl, and I swear my face has aged way to fast.
Your right they are suffering and sad. I have so much sympathy for that sometimes I want to throw up, because he is not having any for me. It makes me sick to think It's all so one sided.
We can't help loving the men we chose, the father of our children, the future we worked to so hard to achieve. We should be reaching our better years, making plans for the future.
Well, I am reading your posts and learning as I go. I wish you the best in your journey.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
dawnmarie, Where are you posting your threads? I'll be happy to read your thread and give you my opinion and/or suggestions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
RH, Just catching up with your sitch and want to say that you are far from weak. All of us who have gone the extra mile to help our MLC spouses and through the process we have become the stronger person. Keep your heart soft and know that we will make it through.
I do want to say that i admire your son very much for standing up to his dad, that took tremendous courage and speaks well of you and your H.
One aspect of your sitch that i am trying to learn from is the boundaries you are setting and the balance you are trying to reach to keep your sanity. I know i pay a tremendous emotional price every time i spend time with my W especially when the time spent has been encouraging. I respect the boundaries you have set and even thought your H did not agree with your statement "And I said, "and you will wish it was you?" he will be wishing it was him if he doesn't wake up soon...
Be positive and continue to do the things that bring you peace (biking...)
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
Hopeful, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I, too, do so much better when I don't see H. I have stopped seeing his reaching out to me as an indication of a desire for reconciliation. Its more a need for reassurance. Still, VERY tough on the emotions.
dawnmarie, hello, and I'm so sorry you are also on this terrible journey. I agree with much of what you said -- except I don't think it's one sided. Below I say what my H said when I asked him about his thoughts on my feelings. They are just too wrapped up in their own pain to even begin to think about ours! (I'm aging much too fast too)
GALbaby, thanks for the birthday wishes. Hot tears rolled out of my eyes more than once that evening. It was just killing me thinking this is probably our last holiday as an intact family. But our S13 seemed happy and enjoyed the family routine.
Sweetbriar, snodderly's advice IS awesome isn't it? For now, I think my H's main companion is the bottle, but I'm dreading the day it's an OW. I'm so sorry you have this broken perfect life.
Snodderly, I'm glad you think it was alright to comfort him. He seemed to need it so much and it seemed to help him work through some things. I read several of your posts elsewhere yesterday and it helped me get through the day. Especially the advice of turning back my focus to me and my family. Helped me to stop just crying and looking out the window!
Journaling my thoughts:
I've got these thoughts about H and what he said that won't rest until I write them down.
S19 told me, when describing his talk with H that he seems "driven to do this thing", which is exactly what I feel too. My DB coach and L described the same thing. S19 also said H told him that H still loves me. I think that was comforting for S19.
On Sunday I asked H what he thinks when he thinks about how I feel. H (through tears) said he doesn't think about it. He said that as hard as it is to be doing what he is doing....it must be much worse to to have it be done to you! So whenever his mind wanders to thinking how I feel, he steers far clear of it because he can't bear to go there.
When he bought his Mercedes at the end of July, he was almost normal for 2-3 weeks. Then he announced he is ready for D.
He is looking, looking hard as Snodderly said. He told me he is watching other people trying to figure out what makes them happy.
Whenever I mention friends of ours that appear to be happy after working through a crisis, he is scornful. He says we don't know what the man is thinking. He might be miserable. So I don't know who he knows that is happy. He said all of his friends now are single but he is looking at people in R's to see what makes them joyful.
He cried bitterly with both me and S19 and said the absolute best thing is for him to come back but he says over and over again "I don't know how to make it work."
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "you made a poor choice with me".
He seems so depressed. The drinking, crying, sleeping, shaking, feeling like a failure.
He seems to want to contact me plenty. And to feel he is part of the family. I remember this summer him seeming to want to be as far away from me as possible on visits and now he is drawn to me as the moth to the flame.
He asked S19 to do a chore the other night in the house that I had asked him to do weeks ago but didn't. (GALbaby thinking of your son) H asked again and said S19 glared at him but did the job. H told me privately that he felt like S was giving him a look like "you don't live up to your responsibilities, why should I live up to mine?" Guilt?
I had an abnormal routine doctor checkup yesterday and H is concerned. He called and texted a bunch. I won't know more till next week.
We got into the $ amount on the phone. He said he is getting advice from his mother and others that he should pay only a year of spousal support b/c they say I'll move on and get with someone else and he'll be paying for our household. This kinda talk REALLY pi$$es me off, especially coming from his mother. But H pointed out she has always treated me like crap, why should she change now?
So...just getting these emotions out. I feel about H like a child. I'm so worried about him, yet I have to get a solid commitment for my future from him, despite how that'll hurt him. I told him I want half his take home salary for five years until S13 turns 18. It'll give me some flexibility with not having to work immediately and minimizing the impact on our home.
H says, "and half of everything else?". I said "yes". I listed all the ways I have contributed to the family and his current financial success and our great boys. I pointed out those things just "didn't happen". I said if we don't care for S13 now it would be a huge mistake.
H texted me later and said he would think about what I said and he was going to go and get drunk.
We have a L appointment for tomorrow afternoon at 3 pm together. Presumably to file. I'm anticipating some hugging in the parking lot afterward. Lol! It all seems so surreal to me.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, Well, he is on his way on the train bound for no where. Yes, he is very much driven to have this divorce over and done with. He is very torn between staying married and divorcing you, but the call of the wild is calling him and in hid mind, he thinks that divorcing you will set him totally free to do whatever he wants w/o feeling guilty. I hate to tell him, but the price of his freedom will not make him feel better at all. The first 6 mths after the divorce he may be on a euphoria high and then it will drop and that's when he will find out that he can run, but he can't hide from his inner self speaking to him and reminding him of his family and the good life he once had.
Right now, he's going through the phase of beating himself up and that is the clinical depression talking. He'll go through that for a while and then move on to other things. It's a gradual climb up the mlc mountain for them.
I do not blame your son for giving him the eye when his father asked him to his chore. There may be some resentment that will surface if your h continues to ask S19 to do his chores, that he was suppose to do. I hope not, but time will tell.
As for spousal support, don't listen to your h about providing it to you for one year, etc. People are telling him what he should and shouldn't do...the law will decide what is proper in the way of spousal support. In many instances, the lbs are granted spousal support for a period of time until they can find employment. There are times that spousal support will continue unti the lbs remarries. Share the information that he conveniently told you w/the lawyer. BTW, I don't think it's adviseable to share a lawyer. It's better to have your own who will fight for your rights solely, but it appears that you and your h are sharing one at this point. If, what I am reading is correct, stand your ground and do not waffle on what you and your children need to survive.
Drinking is his self medication to drown his sorrows. It helps for a short period of time, but the pain is still there when he sobers up. Do not feel sorry for him, he made this mess and now he's going to start seeing the reality of what his actions have created.
Good luck w/the lawyer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, having not done this before, I'm not sure if we are sharing the L or not. The L said he is representing me only and he will make this clear to H if he decides to come along. The L said he will tell H he is free to seek his own legal counsel.
I think H just wants to save $. Does this still sound like an okay thing to do?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
