I think I see the picnic!

[2chiquitos]

Thank you Arsene,
You're right, once I get that ugly feeling I need to do the exact opposite and hope to GOD that it will eventually stick in my brain.

I used to blame everyone for everything. I would be angry over things that no one had control over but me!

When I'm alone, like you, is when I feel the anger rise up and I'm able to work with it. It's during interactions that I just react. I miss the opportunity in that split second to STFU and think. It's just a simple work, think. But when you think you are able to reflect on the anger and it's origin as you said.

[2chiquitos]

RegretfulLA,
I'm amazed at the things I could've done had I reacted on my anger. I could've been sent to jail, seriously!

Well, I was brave today. I asked H out on a date. I said, how about we go out to eat and leave the kids with your mom. He looked at me like, Why, what do you want to talk about? I said, just cuz, we don't have to "talk". He said, oh so we'll just be mute (laughing). I said, no you know what I mean no heavy R talk. He said, yeah that sounds really nice.

Ok. so what the heck am I doing? you're probably wondering. This is not practicing detachment! No, it's not but last weeks conversation sparked something in me. Also, it helped not to see him so much this last week. I missed him but not enough to want to go back to our old arrangement.

I looked up Retrouvaille. I want to bring it up to him but on another occasion. I have a feeling he'll say, yes.

Also wanted to give more detail about last weeks conversation.
I brought up why I think our R wasn't going well. He said, you still sound upset and resentful about that stuff. I said, that's not what I'm upset about. I'm mad that you had to f$k me over in order to learn all this.

So yeah, it was totally coming from a place of anger and hurt.

Today at IC she said, you can only work on yourself. He can help you to work on that anger. He also has a role to play here.

That got me thinking. Yeah there are 30% of marriages that reconcile because resentment breaks them apart, but is the WAS willing to work on this resentment or are they afraid? How much of it is resentment and how much of it is the WAS fault for not helping to mend the R on their end?

[mamabird]

If your H is willing to work through this with you, good on him. It takes a big man to own his sh!t. Mine is nowhere near that point, but you have been in this a lot longer than I have.

In the end, yes, you can control you and that's about it. You are getting there, I can feel it. Just knowing that you are angry and wanting to change that is a great start. Start by working on recognizing the very first physical sign that your anger is rising up - a tickle in your throat, a tightness in your chest, feeling hot, whatever. And then practice just STOPPING right there.

[labug]

That got me thinking. Yeah there are 30% of marriages that reconcile because resentment breaks them apart, but is the WAS willing to work on this resentment or are they afraid? How much of it is resentment and how much of it is the WAS fault for not helping to mend the R on their end?

Well, Vero, when you figure that out let me know!

[needgrace]

yes, me too, vero!

you sound so strong lately vero and i admire how you are growing in self awareness. that is awesome. (((((((((((( )))))))))))))

[bustingout]

me too Vero!

Good luck today and let us know how it goes. Stay strong and have no expectations.

((((((( )))))))

[2chiquitos]

Before dinner H said, hey I don't have gas money. How about we skip dinner so I can put gas in the car?

Me: Seriously? Why don't you ask your mom for money? (she always lends him money!)

H: She lent me money yesterday.

Long silence. I wanted to leave! I wanted to say, ok well I'm going I'll see you later. But I didn't. that would've been me feeling sorry for myself so I stood up to the situation and said, I want to go to dinner.

More silence. H: ok. Let's go.

We went to get tacos. yum and talked about all the same stuff we talk about. work, the kids, money, etc.

Before the sitch I used to criticize the decisions he made at work. H said he stopped talking to me about work because of that. When it comes to money, he'll talk about how we should get new cars once I start working again. I listen and validate. Oh yeah that would be great. Old me: What? Seriously H we don't have money for that and I'm not planning on going back to work anytime soon!

But now, how important is it for me to express myself? He's telling me his ideas. I like his ideas but I don't have to stomp on them like I used to because they weren't practical.

We ate talked and I dropped him off so I could go to my Al Anon mtg.

It was nice. No he's not moving back in tomorrow. No we didn't ML and No he didn't apologize profusely. We just chatted. Baby steps...

[Soul.Searching]

Thats a good start! Especially the fact that he still did take you out to dinner!

[mamabird]

Good for you for insisting on dinner. A similar thing happened with me and my H a few days before our BD. The difference was, my H clearly didn't want to be at dinner and it was miserable for both of us. Wish I'd been more tuned in back then.

It sounds like the two of you are making a lot of progress.

[2chiquitos]

Thank you SS and RegretfulLA

The last time we did something just the two of us was before he moved out. Old MC suggested we go on a date. It was terrible. He forgot and I cried. We went and I was quiet the whole time. We watched a movie and it was so awkward. That was July '11.

So if I compare those two dates, this one was GREAT!