Your friend means well and she's not walked in your shoes, so she really has not idea what you are going through except from what she sees and hears from you. You will know when you've had enough.
Your h is lashing out at you because you are the only one he can do it to. You are the safe person and yes, he's angry at himself, the world and everything you represent. You know the old saying you hurt the one you love and that's exactly what he's doing right now...I do believe your h feels that you are trying to control and manipulate him into returning home. He doesn't want to feel guilty for what he's doing nor does he want to come home right now. He's having far too much fun over at the ow's house. I'm sure she's stroking his ego all of the time and most likely he's discussing everything that has transpired thus far between the two of you.
Just remember...DB is for you and if you read all of it, you will discover that it's a way to help you cope and communicate w/others. Once you get the hang of it, it will become a part of your day-to-day life.
I'm very sorry that you are still angry and upset w/your h, but you need to find an outlet for these emotions so that your blood pressure/stress level don't go through the roof.
Let go, let God have this matter. Keep your focus on what is important right now...your family and ensuring that you are well taken care of by him through the courts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have another question about the WAS...do the kids play a part?
My girls dont want to talk to him right now because they are angry. Im not sure if this is helping or hurting the effort to get him home. I am trying to encourage them to keep an open mind but they dont want anything to do with him while he is with OW. H called D tonight and she begged him to come home and break up with her and he continuely said "NO, I will not leave her".
I dont want the kids to remain on silent terms with him and I do tell them that he is their dad no matter what. I cannot control what they say to him so my question is...when they beg and cry to him is it different than when the LBS does it or does it have the same effect? They are so sad and desperate for him to come home and my D was crying and telling him that she doesnt want to have a relationship with him unless he breaks it off with her...
I talked to her tonight about H doing what he is going to do now and that we cannot change his mind. I hope Im doing the right thing by them...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Sweetbriar, I was catching up on your thread and read the part that says he blames you for drinking. First, that's ridiculous unless you were forcing the drinks down his throat and Second, have you considered Al Anon? It has helped me tremendously. It follows a lot of the same ideas as DB. Go to 6mtgs before you say no to it. "They will refund your misery."
Also, the kids. WAS respond the same to the kids as they do to LBS. It's sad how they just tune out their kids to justify their behavior. Unfortunately there is only so much you can do as far as how he is hurting them. You can be their rock. They will always know that YOU never left them.
Once you get help, your kids will also benefit from your recovery.
Have you gotten a pregnancy massage? Had a baby shower? Gotten a 4D sonogram? Shopped for the new baby? Maybe that should be how you take care of yourself?
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
veroprado is correct in saying that the WAS/mlcer will respond the same way to the children as they do the LBs. Seeing and hearing the children will create the same type of guilt that they suffer from when they see or hear you, or are reminded of you and the children.
Sweatbriar, you have to understand that there is nothing that will bring him home right now, except God. There's something lacking in his soul and he needs to find out what it is and fix it. It is not you fault that he walked out. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
As for blaming you because he's drinking...no, no, no....don't drink the koolaid! He's projecting on to you his thoughts, guilt and anger....you didn't lead him to the bottle and make him drink it. The same goes for him running to the ow's home and being there w/him....that is a choice that HE made and YOU did not force him to do it. He is a grown man who has made some terrible decisions.
All of our marriages were good marriages, but none were 100% perfect. We all make mistakes, but those mistakes could have been fixed and lessons learned...the WAS/MLCer harbors resentment and stuffs it down until everything clashes together and then comes out spewing. Don't take on ownership of his issues...they are his and his only to own.
Good luck today. I'll be thinking of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Agree with everyone -- DB is not a plan to get him home, it is a strategy to help you survive this that may sow the seeds for a new relationship with H in the future. Call your carrier and get his number blocked so he can't text you.
Set a boundary that you will not be spoken to disrespectfully. If he starts that leave the conversation. If he persists in harassing you and the girls get a restraining order.
Give him space, the more space you give and the less you engage the more likely he will want to have a new relationship with you. It is counter intuitive.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Today I went to visit my lawyer about the upcoming court date. We went over what will be in the final separation...mainly money, and visitation but there are also going to be things like:
H cannot bring kids around OW H cannot drink around kids or have been drinking H must cease these "adult companion" talks with D14 H must carry me on Insurance Neither H or I will talk about other in front of kids
This was most of it. While I was there in her office, H's lawyer called and she took the call...they want to settle out of court, which will save me tons of money. So, as long as the monney looks right and the visitation too, and all the extras are in there..then I wont have to testify against H, which will be so much easier. I was really anticipating that.
Lawyer assured me that I will be taken care of financially either way, as H is still resuming relationship with OW and he needs to take care of us completely. Now prayers that I get the amount of money I need to pay all my bills and support my kids!
So, I didnt cry much today at all..big step from the past few days. It was better to get up and get going today..helped. Tomorrow I have IC and that will be nice also to vent and get some advice on moving on from H and OW.
D11 got text from H that he wanted to come by and see her costume tonight and help carve pumpkin. The last time he was here, he caused so much pain so I decided to tell her that he could not come over to carve the pumpkin. She started to cry and said that Daddy always does this with us, but I stuck to my guns. I may have made the wrong decision in some eyes, but honestly, I cannot let him just waltz in during the fun times only. I just think that when you walk away, you give up the fun stuff.
My D was fine in a few mins and we carved a wonderful pumpkin. Well, all the sudden, H is in the driveway! He texts D that he is there and she went outside to see him. He asked to see the pumpkin and I just was mad but stayed calm. It want complete, so instead he took the girls to 7-11 to get them slurpees and got the $20 each. H told them "if mom says Im bribing you, tell her I am". I am happy when he gives them money...its less I have to dish out! He brought them back and asked to come in and write me a check which I agreed to. He also asked if he could take kids out to dinner tomorrow night and I said yes. H asked for a picture of the costumes and kissed them goodbye.
I later found out that he had also texted D14 and said the he was thinking about coming back and staying one night a week here!! Can you beleive that??? D14 asked him if he is willing to give up OW and he responded NO, I knew it would be a bad idea.
My issues here are...why is he asking D11 to come carve pumpkin without asking me? If he had asked me, I could have said it wasnt a good time and it would have saved her from tears because it wouldnt have been an option. Also, why is he texting D14 that he was thinking this one night thing..Im the wife and the one who is head of the house...its not up to D. He really does have crazy thoughts sometimes:( I will say that is also in the court paperwork, that he has to go through me first.
It really upsets me to be around him now since the confession of love for OW and him calling my ugly. It makes me self consious to be in front of him now...and to make matters worse, when I was driving D14 to friends today, we were driving RIGHT BESIDE OW on the road. This was the first time I have ever run into her in our town:( She has personalized plates, so you cannot miss her. She saw us... This put me into anxiety mode...because the ugly thing is in my head and that she is better than me. I hated to have to see her....and no, she is no better than me in any way...but hard to see in my head now that he has said it:(
My head seemed to be in a little bit of a better place today. I actually told my neighbors across the street of my stich today. They are older than us, and have been so kind to us always. They live directly across the street and yes, they knew something was up because they saw H pack his car and he hasnt been here. They were sad and the man said " I always thought you guys were so good an set...you always were doing everything". I filled them in today and the wife pulled me aside and said to not give up...they had the same issue when her kids were young and he had an affair on her. She said to never say never, as they are happier than ever now:) What a nice story...wish mine would end that way...I wanted to badly to grow old with H.
I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween...my kids had a nice evening despite the fact that H was the one who always took them trick or treating. D14 went with friends to hang out, but D11 got candy and guess what? We made it through a holiday without H:)
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Sweetbriar, Wow SB. My H would've done the same. After all the times I've told him not to come, he will still show up! One day I had my cell on silent he text me. "I feel as if I'm bothering you." But then he continued calling. I wonder if your H struggles with boundaries?
What's his family like when it comes to boundaries? Will they also do things after you've asked them not to? Just wondering. This will make it harder for you to enforce them.
And Halloween with your girls! How fun! This year S4 finally understood that people give out FREE CANDY! lol!
And OW sighting. D@m $itch! Can she at least MOVE to another city! jeez! These events are not in your control. The question to ask is, what are you going to do to keep your serenity when things like this happen?
Please consider Al Anon. I wish I had gone the day I found out. Instead I committed to it when I had already been in this sitch for 7mos. Finally, after 6mos in the program, I'm feeling like my old yet new and improved self.
Take care.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I'm sure he does not think your ugly. He choose you Once. Good on you for stepping up and taking over your H's role with the halloween stuff. He sounds really confused.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
