Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Feeling pretty good today. I'm taking the kids out this afternoon for their first time trick or treating. It's not hugly celebrated here and H never let them go before. So they are really excited.

I was walking around the shops today and looking at all the Christams stuff and I actually started getting really excited! It's strange because usually this is a really stressful time of year for me. If anything it's going to be a lot harder to prepare for it this year. It's going to be a tough one emotionally too but yet I found myself looking at all the decorations with excitement and a strange sense of peace.
It's going to be a very strange Christmas but I'm actually looking forward to some parts of it.

Some parts hurt like hell because H would usually put up a heap of Christmas lights. (He offered to do it this year but I haven't decided yet.)
We would take the kids to look at Christmas lights together, "Be Santa" together. The Six week Christmas holidays are usually so family orientated. H gets five weeks off, so it the one time of year we have sooo much family time together for weeks at a time. Usually go camping and stuff.
Its going to suck when he has the kids so much, especially knowing they will be going on a family holiday without me.

These things do make me sad and tear up, so I was suprised by my feelings. I'm so looking forward to decorating the house with the kids and singing and dancing around the house to Christmas carolls with them.
Just feels really bittersweet.

H called lastnight and we set up Skype so he could "See" the kids. He called a few times. He sounded really tired and kinda sad.
It was strange seeing him talk to the kids on Skype. I ended up going in to another room and leaving them to it. His was playing up and wouldn't let him call, only let me call him.
Today he called a few times in the morning, I missed the calls and called him back later. He has deleted Skype and reinstalled it, he wanted to see if it was working.
M: Are you going to wait until the kids get home from school and then try it?
H: I guess so
M: I have heaps of stuff to do today.
H: I have been feeling so tired lately, I've been sleeping heaps but still feel so tired.
M: Maybe it's the heat?
H: I've been getting heaps of sleep though.
M: Probably drinking too much then?
H: No, I didn't drink yesterday or the day before.
M: Maybe your getting sick then?
H: I doubt it, I don't feel like it, I'm just so tired and I don't know.
M: Well I don't know.
M: Anyway I'll let you go and speak to you later.

He just sounded so down.
I really don't know how I feel about that.
My heart wants him back so badly but my head screams No.
I'm actually starting to feel better about myself lately.
His comment a few nights ago, making sure he told me he was out on "our" boat, really hurt. It stung. He knows how much I love being out on it and how much I miss it but yet he feels the need to rub that in my face!
What kind of person does that? That's just mean to do to anybody let alone someone he used to love, to the mother of his children, the woman he spent 13 years of his life with.


I love him and I miss him but he was right about one thing, I do derserve better. I dont see him ever treating me the way I derserve. I'm not letting him abuse me or put me down any longer. I'm not going to keep teaching my children that it's okay to be treated like that because it's not.

I'm not perfect but I think I'm a pretty darn good person, mother, friend etc.
I'm a work in progress and will be for a long time. I like me, I'm learning to love me.

I dont do some of the girly things like pluck my eyebrows ( Never one have I touched them lol) or straighten my hair. All my girlfriends get a shock when the find out I don't do thoses things. I don't do them because I don't need to do them.
I'm just lucky with those things.

I'm not prepared to start doing those things for him. I should not have too.
I do have some 180 I have been doing but I'm not changing those things for him.
Love me or love me not.
I am me, not who he wants me to be.