Originally Posted By: Arsene
AT,

You are right. I need to ponder the issue of boundaries, and I have. RE; the message it sends to W and D8, it's a different one. D8 sees me as a loving father who is working on saving her family. A man who is always loving and caring towards her mother even though she knows I'm hurting. I think the message it's sending her is that conflicts can be resolved without arguing and that behaving in a loving manner is always a good thing.

WRT W, I hope she is seeing a strong loving man who stand by his conviction and is ready to fight for her no matter what. A man who has turned his life around so much in the last few months that she might now be having second thoughts. Remember, that 2 months ago, she would barely talk to me, and then it usually was out of anger.

On the issue of detachment, sigh... I know mate. This is the hardest thing for me to do and it's what I need to put huge efforts on. Yes, I'm hanging on to her every word and her every action and yes they do affect me, more than I care to admit. I think I was coming along well enough but since the R talk, it's been a tough one. I'm working on it mate.

As far as confidence and self-worth is concerned, I have more of that these days than I've had in a long time. I am so sure that what I'm doing is the right thing and I'm pretty confidant that I'm going at it the right way. But that is where I might get shot down. I'm sticking my head out too much. You are right sarge!! Point taken!


While you're pondering boundaries, remember that they're FOR YOU, not for anything else... Meaning they're not meant to be punitive or to make a point. They're meant to protect you from the situations that send you into a tailspin. Simple boundaries like "Let's silence our phones when we're together" or "Please give me an hour's notice before you come over to see D8" are a good start...

As for the impression that you're giving to W and D8... well I absolutely hope you're right. I have no doubt that your D8 sees you as a loving man, father and husband and knows you're doing your best... BUT you have to remember something that we all forget as we grow up... children are FAR more intuitive than we give them credit for... she can probably sense your moods much better than you think. No matter how hard you try to mask the disapproval, disappointment, anger or whatever you're feeling toward W, it's almost impossible to hide it well enough that it's not at least showing up in your body language... something D8 is probably acutely tuned into, even if she doesn't know it.

The good news there is you can quickly change all that... by continuing to detach and setting at least minor boundaries, you're protecting yourself, your emotions and bringing more stability into your moods... D8 will pick up on that too! smile

And I definitely hope you're right about how your W sees you... just know that there are other possibilities there... like there could be a part of her that is wondering how you're so "cool" with the OM situation... how you're still so emotionally available to her although you both know there's someone else in the picture... However, I understand that your sitch is going through an interesting loop right now and you're not looking to rock the boat (to mix metaphors). But maybe it's something to consider to help the detachment and boundary setting.

And on detachment... I wish I could give you some magic advice on how to detach, but as you know, there isn't any. The whole GAL thing definitely helps... and in my case, it was just a combination of GAL, lots of introspection, boundary setting, and a deluge of great advice on these boards that's been helping me detach more and more every day.

And your self-confidence and self-worth... well I realize that sounded a bit harsher than I intended it to, but I wanted to make a point... Although you've certainly come a long way in those departments, I want you to guard yourself against allowing your situation to deteriorate that progress. Trust me, these R talks and their "aftermath" can do a number on ANYONE'S self-esteem.

Just keep on keeping your head down... We're certainly gonna need you to watch our six at some point in the future!