I am very fearful that H is acting as if to just get his own way...get four wheeler back at house and get art prints back in house.. manipulating me.
I want to ask him directly...but know this is a bad idea... am trying to think of way to ask that is not against db techniques...
Maybe asking if he really intends to come home and try to make things work with me...that's better than asking him if he is just pretending to go along with things I say to get his own way.
I am very confused...don't want to build up a big huge drama over this...but am frightened. I fear I am trying and he is just putting me on...
We talked tonight and he said he would give ice fishing with me and S a whirl...but then said how much better ice fishing in Minnesota was and how it wouldn't be the same and went on and on about friends and talking on radios and ice houses and how Alaska has none of that...then, spurted out a lot of anger saying something about he didn't want me anywhere near his folks...and he just called.
I asked him if it was ok for me to believe that he was coming home and we were going to go ice fishing and take down the Christmas tree together and work on things....
and he said...Yeah. Very quietly. Very Softly. But he said Yeah.
I guess I am thinking I will have to validate his feelings and act as if things are all right....read an interesting sitch where w acted as if so much ...h got more and more explosively angry because he felt she was not noticing his anger...so...I will validate his feelings ( even though NO ONE ever validates mine) and I will act as if...
Goals...have house clean when he comes home ...keep driveway clear of snow ...go ice fishing while he is home ...NO CONFLICT...solve issues by being solution oriented..not problem focused...
I don't know...maybe a D is just easier, simpler and the best way to go...I'm feeling a bit put out...once again I have to do all the work....why is that? Last night I was excited...now I am feeling let down and almost well, depressed at the thought of him coming home...
emotions running rampant...I do not think I will call him today...not even this evening...
It's time for a break to think....maybe a few dark days will help me...yes, he has indicated he's coming home...and willing to work on things, but somehow that just doesn't seem to be enough to me....why? I don't know...He's just so self righteous and thinks he's so perfect sometimes...He is NEVER wrong...it's ridiculous...it's always MY FAULT when we argue or fight about anything.....
ARGGGHHH..head is spinning...best to have no contact with him today if possible...
Read all of the posts for 1/17/04 to understand where my head is at today....from late last night to early today...I have been a ball of emotion...which JJ or Michelle would happen upon my thread and tell me what the heck to do.... I won't get that lucky though....I need to think for myself..and part of that is thinking...What do I REALLY want?
I hope I got all my venting out on this thread for today. Does anyone else or has anyone else felt this way??? One minute happy at chance to work on marriage again..then next resentful that I am the one doing all the work once again...I mean, really, he acts as if he didn't just take off and take a trip out of family funds...it's all HIS money to HIM...said he was getting as far the f.... away from me as possible...and needed to relax without me and my bullsh*t for a change......
NO apologies...NO taking credit for the way he talked so abusively to me...NOT a thing wrong on his side of the street...I am sick of that attitude..sick to death of it...How do I get him to stop thinking and acting like that by db'ing???? I just have so much fear...I fear that this is a mistake trying again...I fear that he will NEVER change...I fear that I am just staying with him out of fear of leaving him....
and then I feel I love him...I remember good times... I remember the ok times....and I do love him.....I just don't know if I can take being the bad guy all the time...it's always MY FAULT...no matter what it is...
Have you looked up any info on the Borderline PD diagnosis? Rapid mood swings and difficulties self-soothing are very common.
These sitches are painful and confusing enough, but when your brain cannot effectively temper its emotional responses things are much, much, harder.
As for the resentments for having to be the one to do all the work? Oh, my we have ALL felt that particular bite. ...but at this stage it is NECESSARY.
I longed for, expected, mourned for expressions of remorse, of understanding of what I'd been through, reassurances...all of that....LONG before CJ was ready to offer such to me.
Patience, patience.
You might not want to hear all of this, but here we go anyway.
IMHO, Alaska, you are being too pursuing of your H right now. I felt this right from the moment YOU made the "deal" that if you didn't contact him, he would call you each night.
Honey, this is CONTROLLING. And I can sense his resentment from your own posts.
As for your call about the nails and glue...sorry, but that's bogus. It absolutely could NOT WAIT until his scheduled call later in the day?
You asking him about the chair, the tree, etc...I can understand your motives, really I CAN... you're looking for any signs of softening, any hint of reassurance. That's natural, God, I've BEEN there.
But your H is, IMO, NOT in the place to take these gestures in a good light.
Just a wee story: December 2002...(after bomb #2, when I thought OW was history) theh ONLY thing I mentioned about Christmas were the burned out lights outside. CJ fixed them, fairly minor task.
Months later he told me how he felt back then. He felt I was controlling as always, that he HATED even being in the house with me, that he felt like a sorry, weak FRAUD for fixing lights that held NO meaning for him at that time.
Of course THIS year...he did the whole decorating shebang himself, with NO prompting from yours truly.
And in true DB form I must ask....what are your specific goals for the next 9 days?
...but at this stage it is NECESSARY.