The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

AS...I am, unfourtunately, harboring some anger towards them. I just have a hard time with the disrespect of him staying at her house 5 mins away with his family here. Its hurts so badly, I cannot even explain the sadness I have felt today. H honestly broke my heart into a million pieces today with the nasty things he said. Calling me ugly and telling me I will never get another man? Telling me he drank because of me...saying that he loved OW more than me...very, very hurtful things...got me right to the core.

I am having absolute NC now, and will see him in court next Monday the 5th. VA is not a no fault state. It can be fault or no fault. I, of course, am going for adultry, but this is mostly about money, visitation, insurance and who resides in the house. I mostly filed because of money...he was too quick to threaten to not pay me or forclose on our home...so I needed to have some security for the year of our separation. Im still scared, I never wanted our M to come to this, ever!

As far as the OW hating the messages, I was thinking that she is probably sitting there talking about how crazy I am and my kids are. That maybe she is egging him on to what to write or how to feel. She is his person right now that makes him feel so wonderful.

Snodd...I do plan on remaining calm and composed during court. I see my lawyer tomorrow to discuss and she will advise me of what is to come and how it will be on Monday. I do not plan on having contact with him at all..just get in and get it done and get out. I will be a mess inside. This is so much more emotional with the pregnancy..I cannot help but to think that if I wasnt pregnant I could maybe handle myself better when these things between us happen. But, I cannot wait to have my baby boy to love. I just know that it will be very bittersweet because H will not be here to do that bonding.

I just cannot stop obsessing about what he is giving up and how he thinks it is worth it...its been 7 months since he has met her now and I thought for sure they would have fizzled out by now. I know it has been back and forth with them because most of that time he was back with me off and on..but ultimately, he said today that he loved her and couldnt leave her.

Not looking good for me and our R...in fact...sometimes I get so upset I wonder if its worth the wait? Patience is SOOO hard and days like today I dont feel like I will ever get better. Something about the way he was acting today and was so "real" when he talked about their relationship made me realize that its really over. I do wonder if maybe he came here today to just upset us becuase he was so upset last night. He had to get us upset too so he said all those things and although are probably his real feelings, he never has said them until today. He also said he wasnt going to lie anymore, so I have to assume these feeling are real.

Acc..I will surrender to this now..I have to. I have no choice and I do know that. The only thing is, I believe it could be real..the way he clings to people for a boost, he could be with her for a long time:( I want to bad to believe that its a fantasy he is living right now...

I have NOT been a snooper..so I dont know what possessed me to drive by her house on Sunday. And...to make things worse, the fact that he was outside walking in! I just dont know why that timing happened like that...maybe I needed to be jolted back to reality that he is still with her. Who knows..but whats done is done and yes, Im not planning that adventure again..I am the one who has hurt the most since Sunday...

Im planning on reading sections of DB tonight. I have read it twice, but sometimes just picking out bits and pieces that pertain to me helps. My girlfriend told me that maybe I need to stop reading about R and not be on a forum about R....because there isnt going to be one. I know she is trying to help, but I just feel like the advice makes me feel better and as tempted as I am to throw in the towel already (H has only been gone from house 3 months) that Im not ready yet...