What should I do? Which technique to use?

[MrBond]

IMHO I really think she isn't the one for you. I mean she threatens legal action after she's practically leeching off of you. And she doesn't want to lift a finger in terms of working on you both.

In your case, you should start putting your foot down and let her go. You're assuming alot of the blame which is wrong and is giving her the impression that she can walk all over you. You can increase your manliness a notch.

[jzoom]

Isn't DB all about "it takes one to tango"?

[MrBond]

It takes one to tango so that it interests the other person enough to come back so that two can tango.

However, look at the history. You're looking at a woman who is biting the hand that feeds her and has not done ANYTHING to show any gratitude. If you're only dating at this point, what's going to happen if you actually get married?

If a woman doesn't care about a good man taking care of kids that aren't even his, a man who is paying for everything, a man who takes care of her AND her family, then you see a woman with know sense of gratitude. When you get married, these problems often get WORSE...UNLESS both spouses recognize each other's feelings and can handle things in a healthy manner.

Your GF doesn't have any fear of losing anything. She's already told others that if you weren't around she'd find someone else. It's probably the same way she left the other marriages. If a broken marriage (much less two) doesn't teach you anything about the needs of your spouse and yourself, then she's going to repeat the same mistake over and over.

[jzoom]

Going to think about this some but I really am trying to DB here, even with the possibility of it taking time.

I know she left a couple of partners b/c they cheated but other than those 2 most of the R's have ended by the guy dumping her. Neither of us were looking to get married anytime soon, I'm really just trying to see if I can get her back into this.

She didn't tell anybody that she would get somebody else, she just said last Thur that she wanted to be on her own.

If I do DB for real, do consistent 180's, then maybe she'll actually come around and step in to tango with me. I haven't been consistent.

Also, what do you think of http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/search?Search=controlling+alpha

I sort of think now that I am the controlling alpha type. I provided beta financially but I wanted full control of everything in the relationship and there was that underlying insecurity. So I need to change and provide some real beta and once I get the R going again get the correct kind of alpha going.

[MrBond]

I remember seeing that blog when I first was in this situation. After awhile I realized it was just a bunch of bull. The "author" claims that he and his W are happily married, which would make understanding being in our shoes very difficult.

He would advocate dumping your GF and finding one who values you. And many of his theories he made up himself. You'll find a whole bunch of these "experts" around the web so I usually don't pay much attention.

[jzoom]

I know it was ultimately my choice but I got caught up in the thinking on that site and was on the forum and they told me to dump her. It's what led to me changing the locks to kick her out.

After reading the book, being on the forum, and reading more of the blog I think there's some good ideas for more stable R's. If you can be the nice guy with an edge I think it'll work. I do think the alpha descriptions there make sense.

I THOUGHT I was alpha but I was controlling. House had to be my way, use my table, had to know her plans all the time, and such. She felt controlled even though I was "beta" financially and tried to tell me she felt controlled, but I wasn't listening. They're focused on sex but in some ways similar to DB. They advocate taking care of yourself and not chasing your partner, just use different terminology.

In a way, I think we needed the blow up of me locking her out. She was faced with no financial support and spurred her to action. I've made the commitment to work on the R no matter how crazy it seems. I'm trying to pull her in and unlike the guys who left her in the past I'm now not acting the way she expects. She is doing stuff for me/the R b/c she's friendlier, talkative, sharing with me b/c I'm not grilling her for info, we did household grocery shopping with her food stamps, and she cooked me dinner and spent days/nights with me. All of these things are moving in the direction of my goals and some are my baby steps/small victories.

[jzoom]

Yesterday after her last text about not being sure if she'd be home even with power we have no more contact until she picks me up. Everything is upbeat and no kids in the car so I'm 99% sure she isn't going to be at home. We are chatting and she's telling me stuff and we are laughing at some things we see along the way home. At one point I ask if she's staying home and she gives me a weird look and I'm aloof about it and she chuckles and jokes about having strange ppl watch the kids in the house. She says I make her laugh and explains that her grandma (who had been giving her grief the entire time the storm was coming and striking) was still giving her grief so she's staying there to shut her up and make her happy; she also thinks a big part of it is that grandma is lonely which she had already expressed to me. She tells me she'll be home in the morning after dropping off the kids for school.

Yeah, it grates my nerves b/c not long ago when she was trying to prove to me that she was committed to our R she was telling me, "I come home to you every night, I sleep in bed with you every night" and now it's the reverse.

So anyway, I don't get upset or argue or reason or beg or anything, I just go with the flow and take it for what it is.

This morning she would have dropped the kids off by about 8am and it's a little after 9am when she finally walks through the door. I had to fight some very bad thoughts b/c I figured it shouldn't have taken her that long to get home, I'm worried maybe she's seeing another guy or something. I start repeating DB rules to myself, that I can't snoop, worry, and I can't ask any questions about her whearabouts, no matter how hard it is I can't ask.

I've shaved and showered and got myself looking and smelling good. I'm starting some bacon and I'm cheerful when she walks in and ask her how she is. Yup, looks like she's gotten a shower and she's dressed and doesn't have any of her bags so I start wondering again but I DON'T ask any questions...I keep reminding myself that her grandma probably let her use the shower and not some more terrible thought of being with a guy...I think my brain is messed up sometimes.

She says she's hungry so I tell her I was just getting breakfast started for US. We eat and she's texting and on the phone, I'm making sure that I don't keep looking over and stuff like that, just going about my business and letting her go about hers. It's time to go and we are chatting in the car.

She says how she has to get her homework done tonight. Now I'm wondering why she can't get it done during the day b/c she didn't have any of the kids walking through the door. So I say, "the baby is at daycare, right?" and she says yes so I say, "oh, thought you could get it done during the day, I know you have your appointment..." and she starts saying how she has to go to the bank for her grandma, go to Wal-Mart for baby formula after her WIC appointment, and has to go to the kids school. I ask about the school and she says it's b/c they claim she owes money so she has to find out what's going on. I'm sympathetic to this, just "geez, that [censored]". I asked about that b/c I'm trying to show interest in the kids b/c that is very important to her and that's what the "old me" was like.



Here's where I'm not sure if I was backsliding or still doing a good detached 180...

As we get closer to my work she starts opening up info again around me. She's talking about all of these appointments she has and how she's just trying to keep up on everything and I'm just like, "yeah" "ok" "hmmm"...

She brings up this birthday party next Sat and figures out that she won't have the the two older kids and will need to check with her brother about watching the baby. She says, "...this f**king birthday party so people get off my ass about not seeing me" so it doesn't sound like she really wants to go, she just wants to shut people up like with her grandma. I'm really not saying much b/c inside I'm pissed...once again, next Sat when she doesn't have the kids she'll be taking off for the night without me...I know I have no control over it and if I try I'm going to mess up the little bit of effort I've put in.

Then she switches to telling me about how she's been hearing all of this crap about her sisters domestic situation and she doesn't have a lot of sympathy for her b/c of her sisters actions. Also, Mon night during the storm she had been telling me how she was fighting with some of her friends. I'm trying to take the positive from this stuff that if she's feeling stressed b/c of friends & family instead of me, the focus isn't on me anymore. It's more like the early days when she would vent to me about her friends & family and I was just there listening to her, not criticizing or trying to fix anything.

She drops me off and when I get inside I check my calenar. I don't have anything planned for next Sat so I think to myself, "what would the 'old me' do?" The "old me" would want to help her and help reduce her stress with trying to plan things. So I text her, "Just looked at my calendar. The 10th is next Sat. Is the bday party just that night? I'll watch the baby for you." She responds after a few mins, "Thanks my brother will".

So now I'm thinking, "crap, did I just backslide? Was that not the proper 180? [censored], I bet she's going to be gone most or all of Sat night and that's why she doesn't want to answer me. Is she lying to me again? Is she going to the bar with her friends or out with some guy? Should I just have not said a word about it?" So I'm getting really upset and trying to focus on work and stop thinking about this b/c there's nothing I can do about it, anything else I try at this point is going to make matters worse. I keep reminding myself that maybe she just doesn't want to make me feel like she's taking advantage of me, she expressed that concern a week ago when I had given her some money for grocery shopping so maybe she just doesn't want to give me a reason to complain that she's "using me and walking all over me".

So I decide my best option at this point is to not respond at all. I remember someplace in DB saying that when you're unsure of how to act, do nothing. So I don't respond to that text, not even with an "ok". Since I don't respond after a few mins I get a text from her, "They don't see her a lot". I still have not responded to that and I have a lot of ppl in the store, so I don't even have to lie and say that it got busy at work if/when I finally respond.


So here's my question, that whole interaction after I said I'm not sure if I backslid or not, did I backslide? Was me offering to watch the baby without her asking a good 180 considering I'm trying to be that supportive friend, father-figure, guy she first met?

[jzoom]

So I calmed down and I was just going to respond "ok" but thought, "what would the 'old me' do?" So I sent, "Ok, that's nice" and two seconds later got "Yep" as a response.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I know it was ultimately my choice but I got caught up in the thinking on that site and was on the forum and they told me to dump her. It's what led to me changing the locks to kick her out.

After reading the book, being on the forum, and reading more of the blog I think there's some good ideas for more stable R's. If you can be the nice guy with an edge I think it'll work. I do think the alpha descriptions there make sense.

I THOUGHT I was alpha but I was controlling. House had to be my way, use my table, had to know her plans all the time, and such. She felt controlled even though I was "beta" financially and tried to tell me she felt controlled, but I wasn't listening. They're focused on sex but in some ways similar to DB. They advocate taking care of yourself and not chasing your partner, just use different terminology.

In a way, I think we needed the blow up of me locking her out. She was faced with no financial support and spurred her to action. I've made the commitment to work on the R no matter how crazy it seems. I'm trying to pull her in and unlike the guys who left her in the past I'm now not acting the way she expects. She is doing stuff for me/the R b/c she's friendlier, talkative, sharing with me b/c I'm not grilling her for info, we did household grocery shopping with her food stamps, and she cooked me dinner and spent days/nights with me. All of these things are moving in the direction of my goals and some are my baby steps/small victories.

jzoom,

Sometimes dumping them is what you have to do! You where already dumped but hanging onto this little thread and starving and taking the crumbs you where being fed.

It wasn't until dumping her, that you had a real shot at any relationship. It's a quick decisive manuever, that if you know you are doing the right thing you will feel a whole bunch better immediately.

Also now they aren't recieving your love, time, financial support - propping them up into their affair.

Perfect.

[DaddyLongShanks]

jzoom,

Looks like you gained a whole bunch of ground on the breakup. It almost like it reversed it. Now that she's thinking about what she and she wants, its switching back.

Think about the things which feed her ego which led to your problems in the first place...

I'm not the expert here, just been following this subject matter on several websites since 2007 following my getting cheated on and dropped. I had the evil cheater type of situation where they are trying to inflict pain and damage.

In any case. You might be focused and too reactive on HER stuff. I'd find a way to run in my own direction right now if I was you, and not to be reactive to her.

I know how hard it is to truly not get PISSED, but once you are pissed you are flipped...

You have to be cool about all this. I think the feeling is, that you found some things which worked - it put things back right for a while. But she is going back to her ways.

You have to literally not care what happens one way or another, so you will not get angry anymore. It may take alot more time
for her to decide she wants to take of her relationship with you.

Usually people don't know that unless they lose it, or they are at risk of losing it. You realized that when you dropped her.

In bar environments and party environments, I think I would find a way to get myself invited - and REALLY enjoy myself if she was there or not. Enjoy yourself more than her even. If she goes in there by herself, she will use it as a way to connect and get closer with others and not you... Unless you are around a crowd which truly shuts you out or is feeding you negativity - I know that can be very hard.

Also when she goes and studies. Perhaps you have some material you can study too. Study for your career, read some books you are interested in.

Find a way so you are doing a bit more together.

That's my thoughts based on what information I was given.

Good luck and stay in touch with us.