Well, he came home last night. He seemed very tense. Asked what was wrong, he said he thought I was taking this all as joke. We talked for two hours. I could not believe how calm I was. All the praying and reading really helped. He feels that we have been friends in the marriage but not Intimate spouses. That he is very unhappy. That he doesn't want to live like this. I told him we in a sense have wanted the same things for years. Me a stronger emotional connection he an intimate one. The beginning of the marriage I felt alone. After reading DR the intimacy chapter is us to a T. He told me he went and saw a lawyer yesterday. I just sat there and listened. He said that there was great financial responsibility, to make sure that I was taken care of. He told me he did not renew his life insurance policy. Because he already had one with the company because of being part owner. He said he wanted to tell the boys(23,21) because he felt that he was lying to them. And that was creating to much anxiety. I spoke up then. I told him I did not want to put the house on the market, that I want our son to enjoy his first year of law school which is the hardest, and my other son to enjoy his senior year in college. And also told him that meant spending the holidays in our home. He said that they are grown men and they can handle it. I asked him not to say anything. He said he talked to a lawyer about things, and the lawyer asked if he wanted to file and he said not yet. Don't know what that means. He said the changes that I am doing in keeping the house and making dinner and getting on with my life is not going to change things. I reiterated that it was making me feel good. And I was doing it for myself. Not for him. He said that he was glad I was making a change for myself. I told him that he has been a perfectionist, do things at there best. Which is on the things that I love about him. My personality is that I am a flea. I hop around so much, I don't take things slow. This is one of the areas that I am working on for me. Stop, breathe, evaluate, and then move forward. When I tried to say things and I couldn't get the right words out I stopped. I kept my mouth shut. And I told him. That my talking out of desperation is what has partially gotten us to this point. And that it is another thing that I was changing. He said he that my idle threats twice when we were real young about leaving, and then telling him I want a divorce, and then saying if you're that unhappy then leave have all attributed this. I explained again that I said those out of desperation. The last time was this past January. I had become complacent in the marriage, lazy I admit this. He got upset he brought things out and I went on the defensive. That is when I said what I did. That has been the turning point for him. He said he has felt that he has tried for years to make me happy, and he has. I have been his confidant, his supporter, care taker, his soul mate. Except for the intimacy. He feels that if he hadn't had this breakdown an it has been a true breakdown we would still be living the life that we had. And he doesn't know if he will be able to get over that. He feels that I am changing because of that only. I had told him something my god mother told me. Is that we have to find our own happiness. He felt that when I said that it was an epiphany for him. He had to find his happiness and right now it is not with me. He feels trapped because of the financial obligation to me to stay here. He hates where we live and wants to move. Something we have both felt. And have many talks about moving over the years. I told him that I felt with the daily deluge of work issues and him trying to be a pleaser, and never turning anyone down has also attributed to this. He never has taking time for himself. Never without the cell phone in hand. Which made me constantly saying something about that. I told him that i was glad he has made that change. I admitted that I was wrong to discourage him in the past about wanting to go golfing on Sunday's. Because if he had stayed home all we would have done is watched tv. And I realize the importance of down time. Golfing with friends is different than golfing with clients. And instead of me mopping around the house when he was gone I should have taken the opportunity to do something for myself. Win/win situation. I also told him I had applied for a job, and that I had also gone to check getting certified to be able to work in hospice and elder care. He said good. Conversation over, he made some tea, of course I asked if I could get it for him he said no. We talked briefly some more. Showed him the program description of the classes. Then he said he was going to bed. Slept ok, until early morning stomach in knots again. Got out of bed, said good morning to him. He was leaving for the gym and work. He also said until he has researched the program more he didn't want me to enroll. He just doesn't think that there is enough training in it for me to do what I want to do. Oh well. He hasn't removed any of the financials or any other documents that are here regarding the business. I feel that if I go see an attorney this will prompt him to move forward. I AM FIGHTING HARD FOR THIS MARRIAGE AND I AM NOT GIVING UP.
I urge you to seek legal counsel and not share what you have learned. Your h has already advised you that he has seen an attorney and knows what the bottom line will be when it comes to finances, etc. You can't rely on him to be honest w/you. Do the research so that you know what your rights are. If you don't want to do this, then google the law for your state. Knowledge is power.
Many of the comments that he has shared w/you are mlc lingo and come from the book of "script". Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does. I'm glad you advised him that you are doing certain things for you and that you feel better about it. Continue to make changes and they have to become permanent and they have to be for you, not him.
One thing, why does he have to research the training and determine whether it is enough for you? If this is a career field that you are interested in, you need to be the one to research it and make sure it is right for you. Your h, may appear to be helping you, but it comes across as controlling you and your future.
Keep your expectations at zero and do not rely on this man to help you when he really starts rolling down hill in mlc. As long as you are going along w/his program the way he wants, he will be nice. However, the minute you start to question his authority or knowledge, the monster will come home to roost.
Today is a new day...start your google searches and go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Funny thing snod I did all the research for this. He even told me the other day that volunteering was good but that I really need to get trained. At a loss again.
I may be reading your thread wrong, but it sounds like he is trying to control and manipulate you by telling you he's going to research this program, re not enough training, etc. I would go w/my gut instinct and if you think it's something you want to try, go for it. Each of you may come away with a different perspective on the program...the questiion I have is this...who is planning to participate in the program...you or him?
This is your life and ultimate goal...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ME! When he told me about that he wanted to research this. I just kept quiet. I knew my time would come and it came tonight during dinner. I asked if he had a chance to research the school. He said he hadn't. Then I told him I had. Also told me each state is different with regards to the number of hours required. Calif. and TX requiring the most hours. I did my home work. I can get a job at the hospital, senior center, nursing home, hospice, home health. Doest pay much but it is something that really feel strong about. He was very silent when I got done. Then my neighbor who has her elderly mother called and I went over coffee and cake to visit.
I'm proud of you! You let him know that you had done the research and I'm sure he was surprised that you had. Now, go for what you want! You are doing this for YOU, not him! Do not allow him to discourage you from reaching your goal.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks. I tell you guys have been a world of inspiration. This is not over yet. In sickness and in health. I still love him. but I am not going to toyed with.
