My story - help please

[theUF]

A bit of journaling with a couple questions thrown in at the bottom

So yesterday was a bit interesting, at least introspectively.

To sum up the actions of the day I went after work to pick up S. Had a chat with X while dressing S; nice, polite, even had a few small laughs. Then ;

I asked her how she felt about, and, if she agreed that we should not expose S to other people before a certain establishment had been made and would it be best to notify the other before hand? I was expecting this whole comforting talk where she would "pretend" to spare my feelings. Instead she got upset and angry. I don't remember the conversation in it's whole as it was a bit chaotic, but it went something along the lines of ;

Her: telling me how she had worried about the thing she told me about the day care centre "incident" and how bad she felt if I had misunderstood or read too much into it.

Me: telling her I had come past that and understood, but this was something we had to talk about anyway. (She then changed to upset and angry)

Her: telling me how it is not something that is of current interest, and we could deal with it when it became a problem.

Me: telling her how I understand, but if we talked about it beforehand it wouldn't necessarily become a big problem. But anyway I felt we should not take it lightly.

Her: In a sharp tone expressing how it would never be taken lightly.

And I think that was the end of conversation.

Afterwards the talking got light and pleasant again. I really didn't expect her to react that way, but I try not to read anything into it.

I saw a movie in the evening, and afterwards I put the lights out. The last light is close to the living room window, which has a view over the city. I ended up standing in the window for quite some time, just staring out over the city. I felt my situation sinking in, I could really feel how the facts became a bit more clear. She really left me, I'm alone. I won't be able to see my S full-time. I felt a bit sad, a bit angry, a bit careless. In general though I felt like even with all this heartbreak, I'm still here. I'm still strong. I'm living my life. Along with the negative feelings came a small hint of relief.

Couple years back I struggled with depression/anxiety(and a.attacks). At the same time I had R problems. I didn't seek help. I kept it mostly to myself, but I was a complete mess. I fell completely apart(physically, socially, mentally) and it took no effort to break me time and time again. It was a very hard time and sometimes I felt I would never recover.

When she left I was afraid I would have to go through that all over. But today, staring out the window I realized that I'm still here. Even though this whole ordeal is exhausting, I'm still standing. I'm still keeping my life together and going strong. It felt releaving to see something positive in all this!

1. I felt the need to clarify about OP and S. Maybe I shouldn't have done it? (As I feel I'm not done and moving on)

2. Today she again seeks contact, and she also invited me to spend a couple of hours with her and S tomorrow. I don't know if I can continue this type of "as if nothing" contact. I feel like somewhere down the road I have to tell her I still love her, I hoped for us to be a family, but that I need to focus on me and not that which is lost. Try to keep contact to minimum. Scary thought. Has anyone been through this in a similar way?