I have a question. Yes, I have done things wrong. However, the paperwork is literally with the courts now. Does a LRT have a chance to work with the small amount of time I have left? It is what is recommended in the book with my situation. I have shown some 180's, but like you said, it takes time.
Don't think of it as just having a small amount of time left. As Cadet often says, a divorce is just a piece of paper. People do reconcile after D. LRT can sometimes work in a small amount of time, but usually not. Don't get hung up on it, you've got plenty of time.
Alright, I've never been through this before so I don't know just what has to happen for police, judge, etc to believe. I know she doesn't want to go to a shelter b/c she'll lose custody of her middle child. I also KNOW that it's her problem.
I am also trying to look at it in a positive light. We haven't been fighting and the longer she stays here the more she can see my 180's.
I see what you mean about proof. At this point I'm sure they'd ask why she took so long to report being pushed.
Ok, so she isn't a WAS but I told her I was sorry and didn't really want her to leave, that I didn't actually want to break up with her, so it's no longer my wish. So what now?
Ok, that makes more sense about LET & 180's. Right now I've been focusing big time on 180's. Yes, this weekend was the start but I'm keeping focused on the 180's. Even tonight sitting here after the power went out. What I'm attempting to do is be nice, friendly, and helpful to be that guy she remembers but I'm doing it in a way where I'm not focused on an R, rather that it's the guy I want to be and it'll be her lose if she leaves me.
I'm not doing MMSLP style stuff right now. I wanted to validate her feelings without agreeing with her which is why I said, "I'm sorry you feel like I don't listen". I didn't agree that I don't listen but I recognized that's how she felt at the moment. One of the DB rules is don't argue about how they feel, so I didn't.
Power is out due to the storm. She's trying to decide if she needs to stay with family so the baby can stay warm or if they'll be ok here. I'm not arguing with her or giving her a hard time even though I want her to stay. I'm just acknowledging that she has to do what's best for the baby, whatever that is.
So maybe I worded it wrong when I said I gave her space for the weekend. I'm giving her space whenever she seeks it. I'm just enjoying being with her when she's willing to be around me.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I'm a nutshell, yes. I didn't say it is right, it just is.
In our last arguement this past Wed she said she's acting the way she is b/c of the guy I've become. She said I'm pushing her buttons. My actions influence her actions. So I think I finally got it through my thick skull that it takes one to tango and I needed to break the negative cycle and get a positive cycle going instead.
Ever since Thur things have been better. Peaceful and at times actually very nice and enjoyable. It's still not where I want it but compared to what I was doing before it's an improvement.
I have a ways to go and know I can't do these 180's for a few days and go back to more of the same. I'm avoiding bringing up R talk at all, I'm just acting differently.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Ok, so she isn't a WAS but I told her I was sorry and didn't really want her to leave, that I didn't actually want to break up with her, so it's no longer my wish. So what now?
Now you work on yourself. Stick with your 180's and give her time and space. If she still wants to leave then let her. Tell her you understand why she feels that way and you support her decision. This is validating her feelings without agreeing or disagreeing with the move itself. That's what you want to do. It's HER decision, you're just supporting her.
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Ok, that makes more sense about LET & 180's. Right now I've been focusing big time on 180's. Yes, this weekend was the start but I'm keeping focused on the 180's.
Good. Stick with them. Keep sticking with them until they're no longer 180's, they are part of the new you. That's the goal- for them to become a natural extension of you.
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I said, "I'm sorry you feel like I don't listen". I didn't agree that I don't listen but I recognized that's how she felt at the moment. One of the DB rules is don't argue about how they feel, so I didn't.
Pretty good, but remember it's about validating emotions. So first you want her to share her emotions about this. Say something like "it sounds like you're frustrated because you feel like I don't listen, are you frustrated about that?" And if she says yes then say "That sounds difficult for you, I'm sorry you feel frustrated." IE, "frustrated" is the emotion you're trying to get to and validate. Or it could be "angry" or "upset" or "anxious" or whatever.
Thanks, I have been focusing on being the "old me" which is all the 180's I need to be doing. When I'm unsure I ask myself what I would have done back then and as long as it doesn't go agains a DB principle/rule and passes the "will this get me closer or further away from my goal?" test then I go ahead and do it. If I have any doubt I don't do it.
The "old me" is the me I had worked hard to become and I let the stress that developed after her and the kids moved in cause me to backslide.
She said that me not listening irritates her so the emotion was irritation. What was very difficult was that I was late for work, there were customers waiting, and she was stressed from not sleeping well. So it looked like it was going to get tempers flaring quickly and I had to diffuse as fast and as best as I could so that I didn't lose my cool and so that I could get into work.
She was sick again yesterday and we had another decent morning. Things are messed up right now b/c of the hurricane and not having power all night. I'm sticking to my 180's and even when I told her that we had power back at home after talking to a neighbor she said she isn't sure she's going to stay at home tonight. This was in text and I immediately got upset and could feel my temper rising, so I didn't respond and we haven't texted or talked since she sent me that text.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I get what you mean though about figuring out the underlying emotion at times like that. Right now I don't think she's going to wait around for that mirroring/paraphrasing stuff. Also, she already had felt like I minimzed her feelings, that I just didn't care. So does me saying "I'm sorry you feel _______" continue to minimize her feelings? Should I just say, "I'm sorry I ________ you"?
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Oh, and after the almost arguement in the car about me not listening.....later in the day when she picked me up she was cheerful with me and it was like that never happened that morning.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Oh, and after the almost arguement in the car about me not listening.....later in the day when she picked me up she was cheerful with me and it was like that never happened that morning.
Your in this microfocused analyzing all her actions and moods phase that many of us have gone through.
It's usually not productive unless you can pull yourself out of it quickly, or if you are already detached and going to gain ground in a painless manner then I say go for it.
Most of the time people are in this microfocused mode trying to find the magical combination of words or actions which will be the key to get the spouse to act correctly. It does not work!
What is going to work is doing some of the non-intuitive backwards actions which will shift someones frame of reality.
When your dealing with a wayward, after some period of time it's like it was someone who you where only dating who has moved onto the next. They've told you countless times they are done and don't you get it. Or you are the nice "overweight or less attractive" friend whose a perfect fallback because you won't go anywhere.
LOL. Start to look at it how they look at it. And if any of you where former cheaters, just remember how you used to look at it.
When their gone, maritial contract, history, love etc don't matter.
They LOVE their OW/OM. They are the love of their life.
