Of course mediation is making him angry. Things are not going how he wants and it is all everyone else's fault. If you would just go along with what he wants, which is obviously best, everything would be fine!
I know it's just about impossible, but try and keep some perspective with OW. She is a miserable, insecure woman with no self-esteem who doesn't think she is worth having a real man all to herself instead of someone else's cheating soon to be ex. Feel sorry for her, feel sorry for how far he has fallen, think they deserve each other (and know that they have a snowball's chance in hell), but do not blame yourself for either of their choices. And do not let their actions reflect upon you.
Just keep moving forward. The only person in this mess you have control over is you, and you deserve to make yourself into the best person and mom you can be.
Focus on you and the kids. You can do it!
He wants no contact, give him no contact. He needs to miss what he screwed up!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
NLW, I would've gladly sad next to you and spilled my iced soda down her back ;-)
On another note, why are we so vindictive towards OW? Shouldn't we be more vindictive towards WAS? They were the ones who broke their promise. OW is just a band aid as someone put it. A sorry one from the dollar store!
I also wanted to get back at OW but now I'm much calmer when I think about her. Maybe it helped that I started praying for her? I seriously don't know. I feel sorry for her that she was beaten by her ExH and was recently beaten by him (after having been divorced from him for 5yrs!) He's a cop and continues to harass her. If it were anyone else I'd feel immediate compassion towards them but not her.
My H must've looked like a knight in shining armor cuz he's so calm and hates confrontations. I hate remembering all this but I need to instead of keeping it all bottled up inside.
NLW, Put down 6in heels and step away from OW. ExH is acting like the knight in shining armor for her right now. Without you in the pix, he will no longer see things through rose colored glasses.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I'm pretty shattered at the moment. The blow-out I had with OW has taken a bit of a toll.
Probably wasn't worth the damage caused to everything, but then again, I don't know if I'd feel much better if I'd just sat there and let her walk triumphantly over my D16's recital with no consequences at a ll.
On vero's question: Why so vindictive to OW?
In my case, I was pretty chilled towards the idea of her and ready to ignore her if I saw her out and about with my stbx.
But when i heard that she was planning to come to my D16's school concert - I think my protective mother instincts kicked in.
I just flipped out when i saw her sitting there like nothing was out of the ordinary. Then I saw D16 straining to see me in the audience as she played her solo. Whenever she looked at me, she saw OW's lupine visage in front of mine (I had to sit behind her). I'm happy (well, not happy; but accepting of) to let OW and stbx do their thing, but if OW tries to muscle in on my kids in unnecessary ways - I'm going to step in.
Any reasonable person would not have attended an intimate performance where the daughter of the man one was having an affair with was playing - and where her mother, the man's wife, was also in attendance.
That, to me was preposterous. And I felt if i let it go without comment, it would be taken as free rein to continue the practice at both my children's schools. I asked stbx to ask her not to go and he told me to phone her myself and tell her as "he was not getting in the middle between the two of us". He said he felt he was being manipulated and I think he meant from both sides.
My feelings of self-righteousness definitely got the better of me here. But quite frankly, at the time, i just acted. My kids were suffering because of that woman and I had to tell her so.
Ride the emotions out and be kind to yourself. You are walking through hell right now. What's done is done, so what is more important is to figure out how to handle this situation if it comes up again.
Definitely do what you need to do to protect your children, but keep in mind that you can't insulate them from all the emotional fallout. Also remember that neither you nor your stbx have any control over her actions. While you would have the option to walk away / hang up in many other situations as a way to set a boundary, you do not necessarily have that option here.
Don't ask stbx for anything. He shouldn't be in the middle and he probably won't agree to be anyways. Get there earlier so she has to sit behind you. Ignore her because she is pond scum and is not worth even half a second of your time.
And always remember - hang in there. It gets better if you just keep putting one foot in front of each other on the GAL path!
(((NLW)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
NLW I just got caught up on your current thread. I may not agree with everyone else but really I don't think it was that bad. I hate that you feel so bad. I DO respect DB. But sometimes, it is contradictory to standing up for yourself. That is what you did. You took out your anger( a little of it) right exactly on one of the people responsible. I will be the first to say DB can and does work. However, you cannot have a relationship with 3 people in it. So as she is the 3rd person then by default she also has blame in this. Perhaps, you didn't choose the best place and time but it's okay. I am fairly certain from what you describe that you did not make a huge scene and that most people had no idea what was going on. Also, by not acknowledging this entire situation for all this time you have not given your H any boundaries whatsoever. In addition, no real consequences. He is finally starting to get an inkling. It is way past time for you to enforce boundaries. If he wants to do something with the kids he needs to ask you first then with your permission he can ask them. Just like anyone else would. He also needs to do it in advance, and be honest if OW will be there. If he comes to pick them up, he doesn't come in. He knocks at the door just like anyone else that doesn't live there. Frankly you are right, he did indeed abandon them. Regardless of your feelings towards him still you need to remember this is NOT the same person you know and love. This is some other being entirely.
If you have to deal with your anger do it productively. Meaning, take the steps you need with the custody agreement if for no other reason than your H SHOULD be monetarily supporting the children. I see that for some reason you are resistant to the idea. Maybe it would make it too real? I dunno. Having the agreement doesn't change anything really except that some of your boundaries are then a real thing in black and white. They are also enforceable by law.
I agree too that you cannot insulate your children. It is a very fine line to walk. However, do NOT under any circumstances lie for him or try to cover up what is going on. If you do this it will only be harder on them later. It seems like they have a pretty good handle on what is going on. I would take them to IC anyway. Surely, there are alternatives out there that would be positive. Maybe even go with them.
Last but not least, try to let your guilt go. You did not do this. You did not bring this situation about. You might have contributed to his "reasons" for wanting to. Ultimately, the choice was his. The fall out is his.
For me, the first time my H left, I felt so worthless and ashamed. Like everyone was saying, "Look at her! Her husband left. She can't keep her man!" Really. This is what I felt. The shame was almost unbearable. It took a very, very, very, long time to quit blaming myself and actually see it was H fault and not my own.
As Michelle said ride out the emotions, and be kind to yourself. What you are feeling is normal! Everyone goes through it. You will cycle repeatedly. You will want to launch yourself at his head and tear his eyes out. You will have days where you feel everything is lost and you cry all day. Other days you will feel okay. It is all part of the process. It IS a trauma and as such you will go through the same emotions.
I do need to 'ride out' my emotions. I've never practised that before - just reacted, usually in anger and outrage over what i see as 'gross injustices', 'unfairness' and 'wrongness'.
I definitely need to work on this.
Also on being 'kind to myself'. Never thought about this. I just think about being hard on myself in order to get on and do more. Often used being hard on myself as a justification for being hard on others - especially those i love. I have a big thing about laziness and not trying your best. I bust my gut and do everything to the 'best' of my ability; so should everyone else close to me.
Oh dear....
Good reminder, Michelle, not to ask stbx for ANYTHING. Just seems so weird.
At the moment I can't work out what fuel to buy for the lawnmower. It's a 4-stroke and Google told me I need to buy 4-stroke oil to mix with petrol, but the garage guys said they don't have any and no-one buys it???? Oh, well, grass is now 2-foot high on front lawn, I'll work it out eventually. My dad would have told me if he wasn't so befuddled with old age; lawns were always his big thing!
MKB, I feel like you nailed my perspective on the OW thing. Someone needed to show her what she did to real people. Here is the family - the woman and two kids - that you broke up. These are the lives that you ruined with your selfishness and predatory behaviour. We are not going to go away.
Re the child support - we are currently in mediation and I assume this will come up. I have been trying to get stbx to deal with this through lawyers but he simply will not provide financial details. The view seems to be that i will have to spend big dollars to take him to court and subpoena him. Before going down this route (for which I have 0 finance), it was worth checking out whether a mediator could convince him that he had to reveal his financial situation and records.
Thanks again for your responses, this - and the old one-foot-in-front-of-the-other - is what's keeping me going.
I have gone NC on stbx (and he on me, for that matter) since Monday and I feel so much better! This is the longest we have been without contact (not counting his holidays) since this started 14 months ago.
My birthday is tomorrow so I now have no expectation that he will acknowledge it. At this point, I don't think I care, but we'll see how I feel tomorrow!
NLW, I hope you have a wonderful birthday tomorrow with your kids. Thank God they are healthy and you can be with them on your special day. Be thankfully you have a home and food and all the nice things that surround you.
Sorry for sounding so vindictive about OW. I still feel so much rage when I think of her and the texts she sent me. She's a person like everyone else. When she has kids and a husband of her own, she will doubt his fidelity.
About your bday, make it a bday month! Go out every weekend. To lunch/dinner with different sets of friends and family! Enjoy this bday!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
NLW, here's an idea that gives you some control. The mind and our thoughts are so powerful and that can be put to good use.
Divorce your H in your mind.
Really. Have a little ceremony and make the break. Then each time you think of him and OW or any of his other antics, immediately switch to, "Oh, not my problem, we're D now."
This won't help with your money situation but it may help your outlook. I would go so far as to write out what the D looks like to you and include child visitation and then work toward getting there.
Share your thoughts on visitation in some written form with him. Maybe you'll get consensus.
And if you get a gentleperson's agreement and he flakes, keep track of that. If the kids refuse to go along with it, keep track of that.
Take some of your power back.
Now just a little nudge and believe me, I get how upsetting this must be for you but expectations about the OW like this:
That, to me was preposterous. And I felt if i let it go without comment, it would be taken as free rein to continue the practice at both my children's schools.
You have no control over this but it has control over you. Work on letting this go because what you resist, persists. This will eat you alive until you can come to terms with it.
Maybe the better thing to say to her would have been: "You're welcome to him, you know he's dead broke and has 2 children to support." JK
Really NLW, walk away from him, he has let your contract as wife expire. That may change at some point but right now be done with him. Move forward with your life.
I'm in this process myself, it's tough but it gets better everyday.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
