Just so I understand. This is emotionally taxing because of one of her FB posts? You also wish W would say something in a different way? And now you are unsure how to respond?
Thanks for dropping by my friends. Rough, I know what you mean but the reason I came back here, to this city, was so that D8 could see her mom as often as possible. To me, this is still the best option for her until there is closure, no matter what effect it has on me.
^^^^^ This is all fine and dandy but that's not what I am asking. Do you have a set routine or schedule in place?
Well, that was quick. Within the hour they were back with 3 hamsters and a cage. D8 is delighted. That meant that we were now to spend the rest of the day together. I wasn't in the mood to be around W all day so I tried to give them space to be together and at one point went out in the back yard just to sit and meditate. Just curious. Is any of this^^ behavior also something you two did in the past? Like you retreating and disconnecting from her and d8?
Within minutes W was there sitting by my side. We had a bit of idle chat and then it looked to me like W was pensive, and trying to say something. I eventually asked her if she was ok and she said she was but just a bit tired. Then D8 arrived and that was the end of that.
A few more instances occurred where I went to a different room to leave them and W would eventually come in where I was and sit and do small talk.
I listened and validated but nothing much was said as D8 ended up being around most of the time. Sounds as if D8 likes feeling like part of a family.
Just before Bed time, I was talking to W and D8 at the dinning room table and W's phone kept going on (literally a text every 30 seconds), at one point, I looked at the phone on the table and W took it away, as if to hide it from my sight. OR b/c she knows it's rude to keep getting texts when you're with someone in person. OR she saw your pained/irked expression and wanted it to go away...Might she have thought of THAT?
Look, You are mind reading negatively again, and it might not even be accurate. Why do you do this to yourself?
Plus it makes you look NOT so attractive. If you're wrong, you're inflicting pain on both of you AND even if it is OM, HE looks possessive texting that often. Rise above that!
IF you KNEW it was OM, I could see rolling your eyes or just leaving the room, or GENTLY but firmly asking her to "finish her business with him, BEFORE entering the family home"....but you don't know it!
Of course I immediately started thinking about OM and my mood changed. I had to leave. SIGH...detach detach detach
I got changed and told D8 and W I was going to take a motorcycle ride to see if I could ride to work tomorrow. Unfortunately, my tone was cold towards W and I'm sure she noticed. Do you see the risk You are taking if it's not OM? And for her to notice the "cold tone", do you mean to say you were rude to her or angry?
How do you see yourself as being the better man, by being angry/cold to her?
I'm NOT saying "don't set a boundary" but I am saying to know what you're talking about AND make sure your choice makes you look strong and dignfied, not petty or vindictive.
Not always easy to find that fine line Arsene, believe me, I know.
She was nonetheless pleasant and I caught myself on the way out and cheerfully told them both to have a good time and told W I'd see her in the morning for immigration.
I'm now thinking it might be a good time to set a boundary about her receiving texts from OM in our home when we are together. Or at least about her use of her phone while with us. ...UM.....MAYBE you can ask her what she wants to teach D8 about conversational skills, (which are learned from parents mostly)
OR just ask if "it's something that important AND PRIVATE that she needs YOU TWO to leave?" (I sort of love that idea)
OR can she handle it before entering the "family home"...
but so you know, the texting probably isn't an issue to d8 if she's even aware of it, so this is really about YOU and that will show through if you don't handle it calmly.
BTW It can look controlling as heck for OM to keep on calling. You COULD come out smelling like a rose and be the better man if you handle this right.
She's probably embarrassed by the frequency of OM's calls b/c there's only 3 explanations for that many calls.
Either they were having a conversation that could wait (if it was about a gig, that would only take a few minutes)
OR he was constantly contacting her b/c of a fight
AND OR b/c he knew where she was, which is a sign of HIS insecurity, to me.
Don't match his possessiveness, if you get my point. I mean, to me it sounds high schoolish of him.
Maybe some other men around here can help you word it in a way that makes you seem strong and confident, but not angry or weak/hurt....
Maybe even ask her to just turn the cell off WHILE she's talking so she isn't interrupted during d8's time with her. ANOTHER option and thing to do regardless, is for YOU to turn your cell off in front of her "since she's there in person" and you want to teach d8 about conversational skills and how to listen,
OTOH
"Setting a boundary" seems like it's usually for more significant things like issues about D8)...hmmm. This is really all about how it makes YOU feel, which is not a thing detached folks notice so much.
I go both ways on this. It's Not that clear to me.
I'm not sure. All I know is that this affected me and I'm not even sure it's OM. Just a feeling based on their texting habits I've noticed in the past.
DETACH!!! Like you said, you don't even know it's OM. Could be a sibling or friend or job arrangement.
Also, it really felt like she wanted to talk but didn't know how to say what she wanted to say. I'll see how she is in the morning at immigration.
Did you always "communicate" this way with each other? So much mind reading and guesswork. I know it's partly cultural and partly b/c of your temper issues in the past, but you've been together awhile now and she's seeing you being CALM, (right?)
Make sure she feels safe enough to talk to you. You clearly need to hear it and she needs to say it'
or you're creating all this out of nothing much. So, back off. Detach/GAL.
If it's important enough AND if she's sure enough of what she wants to say, she'll speak to you.
ALL you can do is make it clear you can handle what she says and are available to listen. (And do handle it)
So much easier to just SPEAK/LISTEN...albeit calmly and without judgement...but no more guessing games.
Good luck buddy.
Arsene... Brother... I think it's about time you seriously start considering the "boundaries" thing you've been kicking around in your head.
Although these conversations might, at times, seem like a thaw in the situation, your reaction to them for hours/days says otherwise.
Ask yourself what message you're sending to both your W and your D8 right now... by continuing along the path you're on, being there for her emotionally while OM is still very much in the picture.
It hurts to think this (TRUST me I know) but as long as you're there fulfilling her emotional needs whenever OM drops the ball there, she's FAR less likely to ever reconsider her decision... She's got a best-of-both-worlds thing going right now... fun with the OM and the "safety" of marriage whenever she needs it.
I won't go into a huge script on how to set boundaries right now, because I think you need to simply ponder it for a bit and decide WHEN it's right for you... IMO, this path is not a good one for anyone involved...
I'm thinking of writing this as a comment to her status:
"Everything which has been lost can be found"
Should I?
Don't worry, I know the answer to that.
Arsene... Where's the detachment? I totally understand the desire to get swept up in any glimmer of hope, but I'm quickly understanding that, in your situation, this glimmer of hope is taking over your entire life... You're spending, at least what seems like, almost every waking minute pouring over things with your W... trying to figure out how to move along the process, to change the sitch... how to continue being there for her... and then on the other hand knowing there's an OM in the picture... getting upset when she texts (or receives texts from) him, beating yourself up every time you think that he's picking her up...
I know I just wrote this... but where's the detachment? And where are you on coming up with some boundaries for YOURSELF?
What about your confidence? When are you going to find that? Your sense of self-worth? Your ability to function on a day to day basis without having W's actions constantly clouding your every decision?
Arsene, these are the lost things you need to find before anything else. I know I'm being very harsh here, but I don't want to see you continue down this path... this sense of things moving in a good direction and things warming up... only to see her swing back to OM on a more consistent basis and leave you devastated...
You've done some great work on yourself, but now it's time to protect your emotions a bit...
We need you to keep your head down in this foxhole soldier!
I then went through my correspondence and FB and a few minutes ago, obviously after her gig tonight, W changed her status to:
"Why do we have to lose before realizing the value/price of a being/existence/presence/someone?" (translated using online translators).
This is all very emotionally taxing. I wish that if W had something to say, she just came out and said it. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight.
Instead of laying awake at night, why not just ask her what this means?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I then went through my correspondence and FB and a few minutes ago, obviously after her gig tonight, W changed her status to:
"Why do we have to lose before realizing the value/price of a being/existence/presence/someone?" (translated using online translators).
This is all very emotionally taxing. I wish that if W had something to say, she just came out and said it. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight.
Instead of laying awake at night, why not just ask her what this means?
Hmmm... I wouldn't advise that.
How about you just let it go and stop trying to mind read. Maybe she's doing some true thinking about her life, maybe she isn't.
The answer will reveal itself in time.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I then went through my correspondence and FB and a few minutes ago, obviously after her gig tonight, W changed her status to:
"Why do we have to lose before realizing the value/price of a being/existence/presence/someone?" (translated using online translators).
This is all very emotionally taxing. I wish that if W had something to say, she just came out and said it. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight.
Instead of laying awake at night, why not just ask her what this means?
Hmmm... I wouldn't advise that.
How about you just let it go and stop trying to mind read. Maybe she's doing some true thinking about her life, maybe she isn't.
The answer will reveal itself in time.
I'm curious. Exactly what is the fear in asking her to clarify this public comment? She put it out there and obviously knew he would see it, yet he needs to pretend it's not there? Seems like a game to me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
This is how I look at it FY. Why bother with the wondering, worrying and over analyzing, it does no good. In my opinion it’s better to focus our energy elsewhere. I think it’s much healthier to make a mental note of her comment and then move forward with life.
You say a game? Yes, it’s a game IF you decide to worry, wonder, ask, etc…It’s actually NOT a game if you let things like this go.
