I don't have much to add that the others haven't already said, but I do sympathize with your plight, as I am in a similar situation with my husband. We are also still in the same house and bed... It's very confusing, isn't it?
According to most of what I've read or heard (one story even from a friend who decided to divorce), once the person decides they want out, they often leave the marital bed! So, if they can still go to sleep next to you, what does that mean? For me, it's Hope.
Hope that he will change his mind and decide that he DOES love me after all, and that he was confused or lost or something... Hope that we can reconcile our marriage, making it stronger than ever, and be happy again.
I wish you the same Hope.
-FH
Me: 36 H: 42 M: 13.5 T: 15 No kids; 3 cats IDLY: Mid-Jul 2012 I Give In: Early Oct 2012
Im interested in knowing what % of women who give the husband the ILYBINILWY speech actually change their minds and give the realtionship another chance?
My wife has built an emotional wall since d-day and it seems very high!
There do appear to be holes in the armor, but wow, this is easily the most painful, hurtful, stressful thing I have ever been through.
Is it really possible to get her to want me again in that manner after all this time?
Im interested in knowing what % of women who give the husband the ILYBINILWY speech actually change their minds and give the realtionship another chance?
There are no studies on this that I'm aware of. But if you read the success stories in DR and on these forums, you'll see that many mention reconciliation after getting the ILYBINILWY speech. And a lot of those success stories talk about the marriage being better than ever. So there IS hope The below forum is just for success stories, unfortunately it hasn't been updated in quite a while but even the older stories are inspiring:
So, my wife has called me 3 times from her work today. A couple of times were kind of run of the mill stuff about needing this or that etc, but the last call she wanted to vent to me about her work day and how this job was killing her. I listened intently and than validated her feelings. It all seemed to go really well! I think she appreciated being be able to discuss things with me. I just cannot believe that deep down this woman has no love left for me. Keep DB'ing!
I went through a lot of the same things you are going through a year ago and since you are just at the beginning of your journey figured I would try to answer one of your questions about getting the ILYBNILWY speech and the chances of getting back together with your wife.
It took about 7 months before things got back to normal for me so remember it will take way longer than you think but hopefully with the changes you are doing she will figure out that being single with kids isn't better than trying to work things out with you.
My advice is to listen, validate and be the best dad you can be, women love that. Try to be her best friend. Have no expectation as far are intimacy, after about 3 months it gets much easier to deal with that. Try really hard to not have resentment because what I found is if you can wait her out she will come around eventually you can work things out, at least that is what happened to me.
Shaky
M 42 W 41 S 10 D 7 M 15 Years T 20 Years Divorce busted
I went through a lot of the same things you are going through a year ago and since you are just at the beginning of your journey figured I would try to answer one of your questions about getting the ILYBNILWY speech and the chances of getting back together with your wife.
It took about 7 months before things got back to normal for me so remember it will take way longer than you think but hopefully with the changes you are doing she will figure out that being single with kids isn't better than trying to work things out with you.
My advice is to listen, validate and be the best dad you can be, women love that. Try to be her best friend. Have no expectation as far are intimacy, after about 3 months it gets much easier to deal with that. Try really hard to not have resentment because what I found is if you can wait her out she will come around eventually you can work things out, at least that is what happened to me.
Shaky
Shaky,
Thanks for that. I am very hopeful. I almost see this as a chance at a new start for our relationship. I only hope I can get her to see it that way too!
Can I ask how you turned it around? Its very hard to do the best friend thing and not feel any resentment. I am trying every single day though.
We both took our daughter to a medical appointment this morning (nothing serious)and in the discussions with the doctor there were several moments of tenderness between us. I swear for one moment after that she was going to kiss me goodbye, like she had forgotten everything for a split second.
How do you balance doing 180's (when you know you have taken her love for granted) and not looking like you are pursuing her? I am finding this balance difficult.
Having said that, she is calling me and bbm me several times a day. Im hoping this is a good sign for me as well, plus the fact we are still in the same house and bed?
Anyway, I have my first DB phone session at 3pm today. Hoping for a great start / continuation!
Just had my first session with Jody which was pretty awesome. She gave me a lot of good feedback on what Im doing well and where I can make more differences.
Looking forward to our next talk and I hopefully will have some more progress to report by then!
