Back to Square One?

[Wendylon]

How lovely for me to come to my thread and get all this wonderful advice/help/feedback. Thank you very much, MKB, Labug, Tori, Andrew and Regretful

It makes it easy too that you're all advising the same thing: that I try to be more of a wife and less of a mother. I like what you said, Labug, about how I'll know he wants help when he asks. I will look up the Livestrong link.

It is so much easier to be a bit more detached when he's away. Also, since a lot of our communication is by email, I have a bit more time to think about how to be tactful and not intrusive or patronising before I respond. There are a couple of instances where I'm worried he's got the wrong end of the stick in terms of what's required of him logistically in terms of picking up kids etc.. but instead of questioning him/setting him straight, I'll just make sure that I announce things clearly closer to the time. He gets back tomorrow night.

Someone called today to speak to him and wouldn't tell me what it was about. My worst nightmare is that he owes money. He is very bad with finances. We put 50/50 into the joint account and I look after bills etc. I would have trouble running the family without his share. Realistically though, he will at some point not have his share. He earns some of it and the rest comes from loans off the house he inherited from his mother. I reckon that he'll run out in about 5 years at this point. He's someone who comes up with expensive ideas and I'm always the one who brings him down to reality. For example, he wants to take S13 to a special needs ski resort in Austria. As far as I'm concerned, S13 is just as happy staying here. Then again, H is keen on adventure and I'm not. If I'm going to be realistic, I need to accept that we are living above our means and that things will change when H runs through his mother's house.

Another issue is that I'm really not keen on socialising. I love seeing people I like one on one, which I do a lot. I end up spending a lot of my time with people every day anyway and have virtually zero interest in going to parties. I don't drink and I don't enjoy them. I love time to myself. H is more of a party animal--in large part, I think, because he has a few drinks and he just is more social.

On 24 November, we're invited to a party given by university friends of H's. We have to wear moustaches in support of prostate cancer. It's so not my thing. I'm tempted to suggest he go alone but then I sometimes feel left out because he does things with that group of friends and I'm not included. They go to the theatre or whatever and I'm just as happy not going but can nonetheless get a bit insecure that H is happier to be with them than he is to be at home with me.

We've just been invited to a dinner on 9 Nov. I know we're also going to one on 1 Dec. I don't get why people like hosting these things. We then need to reciprocate or end up feeling guilty if we don't. Not sure why I'm ranting about this. It just feels as if people share an interest that I don't share and I don't quite know how to negotiate it. I remember when S17 was young, he hated birthday parties. I used to respond to invitations by saying, "I'm really sorry but S17 doesn't do birthday parties". I wish I could somehow say the same of myself without feeling as if I'm being weird and rejecting of others!

The last time we went out with friends of H's, I thought it was such a waste of my time. The husband kept saying to me, "Now what is it really like for your S13 to be autistic?" and would then hold forth on what he imagined it to be like. It just irritated me.

Generally, I do have a problem with people wanting to spend more time with me than I want to spend with them. The only people that it isn't true of are H and S17 (and occasionally D15)! I love seeing my mother one on one. She often cuts the visits quite short so I guess I would lump her in with people I would like to spend more time with.

Not sure how much this all has to do with Dbing!

Anyway, thank you very much for the support and the opportunity to journal.