I am giving myself an award for Self Restraint Db'er of the Day.
I went out..used a little money that I really don't have but will have cause ex is sending me some finally...child support...to get hair trimmed...felt good to be pampered...went to Dr....went to post office...McDonald's and AA meeting.
Came home ...cleaned a little bit of house. Did a little work. Am now posting.
Tonight. Will call him as that is our agreement if I don't beep or email or call during day...we will talk for a little while at night. Will wait til 9...that gives him the chance to call me first. Hopefully, he will.
Dr is tapering down meds...wants to see what happens. Thinks now I am more borderline personality than bipolar...I tend to agree after having read the descriptive diagnostic stuff....severe fear of abandonment has always been an issue for me...and fear of intimacy at same time....
Anyway...just gonna tell H that meds are going away...not going to discuss new diagnosis as he will say see...it's always something new....
will just say I am continuing counseling for a while for me til am off meds to buy time...which is mostly true....sin of omission, yes, but it is necessary right now I think....he doesn't understand that this is much better and much more manageable and won't be ready yet to hear that...has been through way too much....am not ready to burden him....
Doctor said that we need to both be angry at couple that was doing this to us....will explain..
Don R. and his wife.
Don R. called in July accusing my H of having affair with his wife based only on some phone calls that went back and forth between our homes...
His kid and ours were on same softball team...enough said for reason for calls they are 12 and 13 year olds...
I bought into it...he had begun calling me and telling me all kinds of bizarre UNTRUE things...but I was in a fragile mental state due to wrong meds and paranoia and insecurity ran high....
Worked through it...pulled myself out of it..db'ed....H and I were doing really well....
We ran into them at a church dinner...they had the nerve to sit down at our table...they knew who we were....we did not know who they were... UNTIL...we were all introduced by mutual friends....
Now...phone calls start ....from women....My H calls and caller id says he is at an Anchorage cell phone number..I am frantic...angry upset overstressed...get way out there...Ruin all I have done with db'ing.......H hates me and leaves after Christmas....I email and email nasty mean things....he stays away and goes right to work....we talk he says he is filing for a divorce (has said this before) because I am not logical or rational enough to go through with mediation or a dissolutionment....says he hates me....
next day we talk again...somewhat better ....no real d talk...he says he will send me a check and agrees to talk nightly if I do not email, call, or beep him during his work day...but says he doesn't really want to talk to me...
Today...no calls no emails no beeps....
Dr. says he would not agree to talk nightly if he didn't have hope of working things out and would not send money either....also says he is going to say many more mean things to me to push my buttons...
I am prepared to validate again and try to bring him back down from his sniper's tower....it will be hard...but maybe this is the last time we will have to go through this...I love him and want my marriage....
I am angry at the couple who had women calling me and had me so upset...since then I have checked and H WAS at work...caller id can make mistakes and if two calls are coming in at once..sometimes one comes in and the other registers I have been told by local phone company... so H was not lying nor cheating and I blew up over some two freaks who want to destroy our marriage for who knows why????? This man and his wife are lunatics... I have since stopped attending THAT church...changed phone number to private unlisted number....and gotten to see doc to get meds under control...
Now....time to work on H...God help me to win him back...
I have soooo screwed everything up ....and yet feel like it wasn't even my fault...doc agrees...but says its up to me to fix things....
Pray for me ....all of you who pray...please...that my marriage will piece back together....
Akgal....
Tonight will focus on no R talk....just hi how was your day...mine was....and act as if....
will possibly tell him what doc said about the Don R situation and how we are both taking our anger out on each other rather than on them....and how we need to stop doing that...but have to find the right way to say that and can only say it if H seems receptive tonight...God will guide me...Satan, get thee behind me!
