So I decided that since today has been a kinda down day for me anyway, I might as well just get some other things moving along which aren't exactly mood-boosters... Might as well get as much of the crap out of the way as I can right now!
So I decided to finally take the step to tell my landlord that I'm going to have to move into a new place... As I'm paying FAR too much for a big place which my W and I picked out together... and I'm clearly not using all this space anymore. I hope he takes it well, as he's been very kind to me during this sitch, allowing me to split rent into two payments and not minding if I'm a few days late... although It seems like he's quickly tiring of that and it's just time to move forward...
Then I contacted my Realtor, letting her know that I'm in the market for a new place, hopefully MUCH cheaper than the one I'm in, but it needs to have a backyard for my puppy... The thing is, it's awfully hard to find a small-ish place with a backyard that's not in a very shady area of town... But she's good and I'm sure we'll find something... Now coming up with deposits, moving expenses, etc. will be a challenge during the holidays, but I've put this off far too long.
It's very nerve-wracking to be going through this right now... I mean aside from the sentimental value of the place I'm currently in, there's just something frightening about signing another year-long lease in South Florida...
I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the hope I have for the future of my sitch... as having to break this new lease would be an EASY thing to do if things improve there...
But it's still absolutely frightening to me to be doing this... These last 5 months have been the only time in my whole life that I've lived all alone... I always told myself that I should do that for a while before "settling down", but clearly I didn't... And now, the last thing I seem to want to do is go shopping for a new place all on my own.
But it's just another step I've got to take. I'm sure it's the right thing to do in the long run, as the place I'm living in now holds an awful lot of memories of a now dead-and-buried relationship, and a fresh start in a new place might be just what I need to keep my forward progress going... I don't want to get stuck, spinning my wheels and starting to wonder what actions I could be taking to move the sitch along... which is what tends to happen when I get stuck these days...
But normally I can whine on these boards a bit, get feedback from you good folks, and before I know it I'm back to where I need to be.
It sounds like you are doing really, really well AT. I didn't see any real backslide in your previous update. Only normal occurrences. Things like that are going to happen. It is normal, and natural. Part of the process.
Keep doing what you are doing. Hang in there.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks Denver. It means a lot to hear that maybe I'm not doing as bad as I felt I was this morning...
With all this talk of detachment, moving forward etc... It's hard to have days like today... When W crosses my mind during even the most trivial of moments... Like grocery shopping and realizing I'm still picking up HER favorite brands of things, even if they aren't my own...
And it's especially tough knowing I'm powerless to change the situation. My strength and conviction lies only in myself... something I'm still not completely comfortable with.
I've spent my whole life putting other's happiness before mine... knowing that if I could make someone else happy, that would, in turn, bring a smile to my face... But these days, I'm having to focus on simply trying to make MYSELF happy without the input or aid of others... and that's still a bit foreign to me.
I do know, deep down, that I'm going to be okay... that even if W and I never reconcile, I'll be able to live a happy life... even a fulfilling one. But there's still that nagging feeling that I could have or could currently be doing something MORE...
Oh well... I'm sure tomorrow will be better than today was, as thankfully these down days are just that now.... days... rather than weeks! I'll just go spend some time on other people's threads, giving advice that I should follow myself... Then I'll make some dinner and cuddle up on the couch with my puppy while watching an awful horror film... as that always cheers me up!
Thanks Denver. It means a lot to hear that maybe I'm not doing as bad as I felt I was this morning...
With all this talk of detachment, moving forward etc... It's hard to have days like today... When W crosses my mind during even the most trivial of moments... Like grocery shopping and realizing I'm still picking up HER favorite brands of things, even if they aren't my own...
And it's especially tough knowing I'm powerless to change the situation. My strength and conviction lies only in myself... something I'm still not completely comfortable with.
I've spent my whole life putting other's happiness before mine... knowing that if I could make someone else happy, that would, in turn, bring a smile to my face... But these days, I'm having to focus on simply trying to make MYSELF happy without the input or aid of others... and that's still a bit foreign to me.
I do know, deep down, that I'm going to be okay... that even if W and I never reconcile, I'll be able to live a happy life... even a fulfilling one. But there's still that nagging feeling that I could have or could currently be doing something MORE...
Oh well... I'm sure tomorrow will be better than today was, as thankfully these down days are just that now.... days... rather than weeks! I'll just go spend some time on other people's threads, giving advice that I should follow myself... Then I'll make some dinner and cuddle up on the couch with my puppy while watching an awful horror film... as that always cheers me up!
I get ALL of that. Did all of those things too. Like I said, normal and natural IMO. It is good that you recognize what is going on. When it happens, picture a big stop sign in your head... signifies the need to stop the line of thinking. Then go distract yourself by doing something to make YOU happy.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey guess what? The sun came up again today! Yup, just have to remember that dark days don't last long and the next day is always right around the corner.
The chill was still very much in the air this morning, but it didn't extend to my mood... In fact, I even got a "Stats Report" from the blog I created for W for our anniversary telling me she'd visited it again late on Saturday night... if only for a few seconds. Still didn't affect my mood.
Now I'm just heads down at work, trying to hit some deadlines and dodging my boss, who is in an AWFUL mood... So I'd better stop updating this board for now!
I've spent my whole life putting other's happiness before mine... knowing that if I could make someone else happy, that would, in turn, bring a smile to my face... But these days, I'm having to focus on simply trying to make MYSELF happy without the input or aid of others... and that's still a bit foreign to me.
Yet not entirely a bad thing, either -- wouldn't you say?
AT serious. 1) Never trust a cop in a raincoat. 2) Beware of enthusiasm and of love, both are temporary and quick to sway. 3) If asked if you care about the world's problems, look deep into the eyes of he who asks, he will never ask you again. 4) Never give your real name. 5) If ever asked to look at yourself, don't look. 6) Never do anything the person standing in front of you can't understand. 7) Never create anything, it will be misinterpreted, it will chain you and follow you for the rest of your life.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
The best way I like to think of it.......you have been fired from the role of husband. Unless you are treated as a husband, and she wants to act like a wife, forget about it.
