The crack in my perfect life...

[Accuray]

Sweetbriar,

I did challenge you to dig deeper, and from your honest effort at that, there is nothing that jumps out that would explain his decision to depart -- sometimes it's just like that -- there are things that go on in their heads that they don't give voice to, so we are left in the dark. Either that, or you cannot see the dynamics because you are too close to them, or aren't able to see them as problematic. Please keep posting transcripts so that we can help.

I've read all of this since I posted last time, and I'll say four things:

1) Don't beat yourself up: *Everyone* falls off the DB program from time to time -- it's incredibly hard and we are all human, going through an emotional time. The best thing that you can do is to learn from it, and then not dwell on it. Most of us are tempted to snoop, because it's a rush, it can become addictive. There is perceived satisfaction in saying "ah HA, I caught you!", but what we inevitably learn is that it hurts us more than it hurts them, so it's important to train yourself NOT to go by OW's house or try to monitor his activities. Easy to say, hard to do, but you have to *train* yourself actively to act differently.

2) Your husband feels guilty: You make multiple references to the fact that your H is guilt-free, happy, has all he wants, etc. etc. Don't believe that for a minute. Your H is tortured. If he didn't care, he would act differently. If he didn't feel guilty, he wouldn't care that you saw him walking into OW's house. If he didn't care, he wouldn't bother texting you to tell you how bad you are. When people are truly done with us and guilt free, they strive to avoid all contact and don't think about us at all. That's not how H is acting. I guarantee you he is tortured by his guilt and self-doubt, despite how he is acting. The only way he gets relief from that crushing guilt is to convince himself that you drove him to it, that you pushed him away, that you didn't do what you should have done, etc. etc. It's a coping mechanism for him to be able to survive his guilt. That's why I and others keep encouraging you not to play the role, don't give him that comfort.


3) All you can do is not make things worse: So now you know that OW is still in the picture. As long as that is the case, there is *nothing* you can do to bring him back to you. One useful way to find peace with that is to surrender to it. Say "I surrender to the fact that I cannot change this". Repeat it to yourself over and over. There is nothing you can do. H's involvement with OW must run it's course -- which it will, because it's not real. Their relationship is based on mutual self-deception, and eventually reality will intrude, but it will not be on your timeline or of your making. All you can do is not push him farther away, you cannot bring him closer.


4) Go no-contact: You can't "kind of go" no contact, you have to go full-on no contact. I encourage you to call your mobile provider and tell them that you want to block text messages from H's number. I encourage you to block him on Facebook. If there's an emergency, let him call you, but no more texts, it's not good for either of you. I also suggest that you explain it to H and ask him to respect it: "H, I seem to be making you upset lately, and that's very hard on me. I need to protect myself and my emotions by taking a break -- I ask that you not contact me unless it's to discuss logistics with the girls. I don't want to have conversations about anything else. This is not to punish you, it is to protect me, and I ask that you respect it."

Although this is terribly painful, it will bring you peace as time passes. The more emotional distance you're able to achieve, the better you will eventually feel.

Keep us updated Sweetbriar, we are here for you.

Accuray