SB, I'm so sorry you had to go through that and that the kids had to be a part of it.
I think WAS's usually talk in absolutes. They're trying to convince themselves as well as the LBS's. If they can rewrite their history and say they were never happy, it's easier for them to move on.
If they actually think about it and realize that things were good and now there are problems, it might get them to realize that that could happen with the OW/OM in the future too.
They're just trying to escape and run away from all their problems.
Instead of your H trying to work on his/the M's issues, he's just hoping that he'll magically be happier when the baby is born. I'm sure he hasn't thought about how he's going to deal with that and the OW at the same time.
Again, I'm so sorry that he's putting you through all this. Stay strong and focus on yourself and your kids. Your H has to fight his own inner battles right now.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
About OW. I know he still talks to her every once in a while but sees her even less than that. He can't seem to shake her off. And I know he contacts her so it's not just her calling.
There are signs I've seen these past 6mos that have let me know he is more himself than before. One of the veterans said, they will first reach out to the dog (and he did) then the kids (and he did) and then you. Everyone else is before you. Sad but it's because he will know he damaged you the most.
You need to stay away from him. He has no interest in coming back right now. And that's ok because feelings change. He can so no today but maybe in time you can confuse him about his decision.
H recently told me, I miss you guys when I'm not here. I think about you guys all the time. You're always in my thoughts. He also said, I wake up every morning and wonder if I will regret my decision.
I'm sure these feelings were hidden when the sitch was really bad but once the winds died down, he could see clearly what he was missing out on.
My H also said and still says, it's not about OW. It's about the problems we had. Pfff. Whatever. I said, you betrayed me with her. You broke my trust with her. What happened before her is about us but you involved her in our problems so it is about her now!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Sweetbriar, You did the right thing by stepping in when he was in the process of demonizing you. He should never do this in front of his children. Of course he and the ow haven't thought about the child support that he will be required to pay for the new baby. He's not thought far enough ahead to see just how much his wallent will be impacted w/a divorce.
Seek the counsel of a good lawyer and do it as soon as possible. You need to ensure that you and your children are well taken care of.
Stay NC w/this man because he's going to continue to demonize you until he's got you and everyone else convinced that you are crazy and a danger to him and his family. No more conversations about the relationship. If you happen to get caught in another conversation and when it starts to go south, walk away. You are fighting against a lust crazed man right now and you will only lose. Choose your battles and you want to make sure you are well versed in what you are entitled to.
There's nothing you can do to bring him back and you need to let him go. Allow God to have this problem and work on him. Keep the focus on you and your family...that's what is important right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly..I do have a lawyer and we have court on MONDAY! Im scared to death, especially now that I drove the kids by her house...he will surely be bringing that up...DUMB ME!
We are going to finalize our separation and to agree on money and visitation and the house. I hope that he does have to pay a lot of money...he said today that I was happy to watch him work while I did nothing...raising our family was nothing to him, I guess.
I hope and pray that we will be well taken care of. I dont think that any judge will agree with what he has done.
He just texted my kids a few minutes ago saying that IM using them and to know he loves them...that I want him sad...ugggg
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
I did challenge you to dig deeper, and from your honest effort at that, there is nothing that jumps out that would explain his decision to depart -- sometimes it's just like that -- there are things that go on in their heads that they don't give voice to, so we are left in the dark. Either that, or you cannot see the dynamics because you are too close to them, or aren't able to see them as problematic. Please keep posting transcripts so that we can help.
I've read all of this since I posted last time, and I'll say four things:
1) Don't beat yourself up: *Everyone* falls off the DB program from time to time -- it's incredibly hard and we are all human, going through an emotional time. The best thing that you can do is to learn from it, and then not dwell on it. Most of us are tempted to snoop, because it's a rush, it can become addictive. There is perceived satisfaction in saying "ah HA, I caught you!", but what we inevitably learn is that it hurts us more than it hurts them, so it's important to train yourself NOT to go by OW's house or try to monitor his activities. Easy to say, hard to do, but you have to *train* yourself actively to act differently.
2) Your husband feels guilty: You make multiple references to the fact that your H is guilt-free, happy, has all he wants, etc. etc. Don't believe that for a minute. Your H is tortured. If he didn't care, he would act differently. If he didn't feel guilty, he wouldn't care that you saw him walking into OW's house. If he didn't care, he wouldn't bother texting you to tell you how bad you are. When people are truly done with us and guilt free, they strive to avoid all contact and don't think about us at all. That's not how H is acting. I guarantee you he is tortured by his guilt and self-doubt, despite how he is acting. The only way he gets relief from that crushing guilt is to convince himself that you drove him to it, that you pushed him away, that you didn't do what you should have done, etc. etc. It's a coping mechanism for him to be able to survive his guilt. That's why I and others keep encouraging you not to play the role, don't give him that comfort.
3) All you can do is not make things worse: So now you know that OW is still in the picture. As long as that is the case, there is *nothing* you can do to bring him back to you. One useful way to find peace with that is to surrender to it. Say "I surrender to the fact that I cannot change this". Repeat it to yourself over and over. There is nothing you can do. H's involvement with OW must run it's course -- which it will, because it's not real. Their relationship is based on mutual self-deception, and eventually reality will intrude, but it will not be on your timeline or of your making. All you can do is not push him farther away, you cannot bring him closer.
4) Go no-contact: You can't "kind of go" no contact, you have to go full-on no contact. I encourage you to call your mobile provider and tell them that you want to block text messages from H's number. I encourage you to block him on Facebook. If there's an emergency, let him call you, but no more texts, it's not good for either of you. I also suggest that you explain it to H and ask him to respect it: "H, I seem to be making you upset lately, and that's very hard on me. I need to protect myself and my emotions by taking a break -- I ask that you not contact me unless it's to discuss logistics with the girls. I don't want to have conversations about anything else. This is not to punish you, it is to protect me, and I ask that you respect it."
Although this is terribly painful, it will bring you peace as time passes. The more emotional distance you're able to achieve, the better you will eventually feel.
Keep us updated Sweetbriar, we are here for you.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Tomorrow I am starting NC again..especially since he said that my girls and I were evil and he was done. He claims I have killed the relationship he had with them.
I know this is hard, but you have got to quit getting drawn into the texting matches! Leave him alone to sort through all this. I'm sure at some level he knows he's to blame for the bad R with the kids, but he's trying to reflect it onto you. When you don't reply it's like you hold a mirror up and all his ugly texts just bounce back in his face.
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I also got a text today that said "I had no self esteem when I met OW and now I do and you could have done better to help that" also said that "I am never coming back to you guys...ever" so I guess he is in his happy place at her house 5 mins down the street.
Really? He doesn't sound happy. Not at all. He sounds extremely bitter and angry. I bet OW is starting to wonder why in the world he sits there spewing hateful messages hour after hour. And you can bet he's also bending her ear non-stop. It will be interesting to see how much she can take.
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Its so hard to stay on Db mode when H is screaming how done he is and how great OW is.
But that's EXACTLY what DB'ing is for! You detach from his craziness and work on yourself. He sends nasty texts, you ignore them. He calls you and starts ranting, you tell him to call back when he's calm. If he calls you calm and wants to talk, THEN you talk. You do not engage him during the storm, wait until it's calm! Meanwhile, work on yourself! Get out, meet people, go to church, do lunch with friends, walk, bike, fly a kite, whatever it takes to get back in touch with you!
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I hate her so much! Do you think that the WAS has some guilt while with her, even if he says he is done? I cannot help but to hope that he is suffering some. I know that is mean, but honestly, I want him to suffer and be sad. I hate thinking he is happy.
It's OK to vent, but just make sure you're not harboring a lot of anger towards H and OW. DB'ing isn't about anger or revenge. It's about detaching yourself from that situation and from all the nasty thoughts that go with it. Release all that negative energy and focus on you and your PMA. It helps to realize that your H is not thinking rationally right now, internally a storm is raging and he's completely confused. Think of him is being ill, because that's not far from the truth. You should feel sorry for him instead of angry towards him. OW is just a symptom of his illness. The happier and more content you are, then the faster your H will realize the problem is him and not you. You need to be the polar opposite of his accusations. That means no more driving by OW's house and no more nasty texts!
I hope and pray that we will be well taken care of. I dont think that any judge will agree with what he has done.
Is your state "no fault"? I'm just asking because if it is then there isn't any sense in trying to demonize your H to the court, because it won't factor into the decision and it may create a lot of animosity between you and H.
Sorry to hear you have to involve lawyers, that rarely works out for anyone but the lawyers.
Sweetbriar, When you go to court tomorrow, dress to the nines and treat him as a business partner who has broken his contract w/you. You now need to look at your situation as a business deal gone sour. Do not engage in any conversations w/him. It is now up to his lawyer and your lawyer to negotiate the arrangements.
Do not demonize him in court or to anyone. Speak only to your lawyer about such things as to what he's doing.
If your h raises a complaint about you driving by ow's house, your lawyer can reply that is it a public road and any and all can drive on it. Now, if she leaves on a private lane, then you may have an issue there.
Learn to step back from this situation. Arguing and trying to justify yourself, as well as pointing out what he's doing wrong is going to get you absolutely no where fast. The more you do this, the madder he is getting and I don't like the way that he's texting your children and saying to them about their mother. It's almost like he's trying to turn them against you.
I think it is a very wise idea to call your carrier and ask how to block his texts and his number from your phone. You need to do this because it's keeping you spun up and yes, you are reacting in a knee jerk manner. Don't forget...he may very well be keeping each and every message to try to use against you....not trying to upset or scare you...but....no more texting!
You can do this, you have to do this for your well being and the well being of your unborn child. Cut the ties w/him and let him go. He needs time away from you and the responsibilities to get through his anger, lust and demonizing of you. The less you fuel his fire, the less justification he has to use against you.
Do not wait to go NC, do it now!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
AS...I am, unfourtunately, harboring some anger towards them. I just have a hard time with the disrespect of him staying at her house 5 mins away with his family here. Its hurts so badly, I cannot even explain the sadness I have felt today. H honestly broke my heart into a million pieces today with the nasty things he said. Calling me ugly and telling me I will never get another man? Telling me he drank because of me...saying that he loved OW more than me...very, very hurtful things...got me right to the core.
I am having absolute NC now, and will see him in court next Monday the 5th. VA is not a no fault state. It can be fault or no fault. I, of course, am going for adultry, but this is mostly about money, visitation, insurance and who resides in the house. I mostly filed because of money...he was too quick to threaten to not pay me or forclose on our home...so I needed to have some security for the year of our separation. Im still scared, I never wanted our M to come to this, ever!
As far as the OW hating the messages, I was thinking that she is probably sitting there talking about how crazy I am and my kids are. That maybe she is egging him on to what to write or how to feel. She is his person right now that makes him feel so wonderful.
Snodd...I do plan on remaining calm and composed during court. I see my lawyer tomorrow to discuss and she will advise me of what is to come and how it will be on Monday. I do not plan on having contact with him at all..just get in and get it done and get out. I will be a mess inside. This is so much more emotional with the pregnancy..I cannot help but to think that if I wasnt pregnant I could maybe handle myself better when these things between us happen. But, I cannot wait to have my baby boy to love. I just know that it will be very bittersweet because H will not be here to do that bonding.
I just cannot stop obsessing about what he is giving up and how he thinks it is worth it...its been 7 months since he has met her now and I thought for sure they would have fizzled out by now. I know it has been back and forth with them because most of that time he was back with me off and on..but ultimately, he said today that he loved her and couldnt leave her.
Not looking good for me and our R...in fact...sometimes I get so upset I wonder if its worth the wait? Patience is SOOO hard and days like today I dont feel like I will ever get better. Something about the way he was acting today and was so "real" when he talked about their relationship made me realize that its really over. I do wonder if maybe he came here today to just upset us becuase he was so upset last night. He had to get us upset too so he said all those things and although are probably his real feelings, he never has said them until today. He also said he wasnt going to lie anymore, so I have to assume these feeling are real.
Acc..I will surrender to this now..I have to. I have no choice and I do know that. The only thing is, I believe it could be real..the way he clings to people for a boost, he could be with her for a long time:( I want to bad to believe that its a fantasy he is living right now...
I have NOT been a snooper..so I dont know what possessed me to drive by her house on Sunday. And...to make things worse, the fact that he was outside walking in! I just dont know why that timing happened like that...maybe I needed to be jolted back to reality that he is still with her. Who knows..but whats done is done and yes, Im not planning that adventure again..I am the one who has hurt the most since Sunday...
Im planning on reading sections of DB tonight. I have read it twice, but sometimes just picking out bits and pieces that pertain to me helps. My girlfriend told me that maybe I need to stop reading about R and not be on a forum about R....because there isnt going to be one. I know she is trying to help, but I just feel like the advice makes me feel better and as tempted as I am to throw in the towel already (H has only been gone from house 3 months) that Im not ready yet...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
D14 had a full blown panic attack tonight about some girls at school being mean. She then started talking about how she has "no dad" I, of course, reassured her that she does have a dad and he loves her very much, but after this morning and him coming over and then this girly stuff, it put her over the edge. She has had panic attacks before and she is okay now, but it was scary and the first things I wanted to do was call H.
Im so sad and lonely and when these things happen, I wish I had my H to help me along!
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
I, of course, reassured her that she does have a dad and he loves her very much, but after this morning and him coming over and then this girly stuff, it put her over the edge. She has had panic attacks before and she is okay now, but it was scary and the first things I wanted to do was call H.