I am really losing it over this. I want to call him...and don't want to call him. So should I just beep him and say, please give me a call tonight at your convenience, if you can? That does leave it up to him...and I can leave it at that...without bugging him anymore tonight.
You have to give him space. You would be putting pressure on him to keep doing this. He would find it to be pursuing from you right now. You sound very much like me in the beginning of this and you are scared right now.
You want to stay in some form of contact with him because of your fear of losing him. You could just end up pushing him away instead of pulling him closer. He needs to heal from all the emotional things and so do you.
I know for my husband, he found it to be too much from me. You are trying to show him that you changed and you have to stop doing these things for him. They have to be for you and right now, you want to stay in some form of contact and I can definitely understand that. As I'm sure most of the people on this board can understand that.
The hardest thing to do is let someone go that you want so badly. It is also harder when you can see the things that you did that pushed them away and they are not being very forgiving or understanding of what you went through. At this time, he can not be that. He has been drained. He has to recharge in order to give you what you need and so do you.
The more you try to do all the things that he said you weren't doing and change the things that you were doing to please him and get him back, he is going to stay away. These changes have to be for you and it is going to take him some time to see the changes.
I know how bad you want to show him and make things right. I know how bad you want to fix things, but things don't get fixed over night. He sees the action that you are taking by contacting the doctor and all that. Now you need to give it time. Remember, time is your friend and time is what is needed right now.
You are right of course. I need to let him contact me. I am just soooo afraid that that will be with divorce papers...and I really do miss him...despite all the things I have said...I actually love this man and miss him a lot. When things are good between us...they are good...but when things are bad they are horrid. Thanks for all the time you have spent with me today, Laurie...I really do appreciate it.
H called right before I was leaving for an AA meeting...I had beeped him before posting to bb...sorry guys and gals...wrong of me...I know...I was obsessing. Anyway...I was solution focused and told him that I didn't feel that no contact would work for me that it was setting me up to fail and setting us up to fight...asked if I did not call or beep him or email him during the day, if he would call me at night...just for a few minutes of conversation each evening... he agreed...after saying at first that he didn't want to talk to me and saying that I had said too many mean things about him and his family...I pointed out that he had said many mean things about me as well..but that I was over being angry with him and that I was now just angry at the whole situation....he said once again that he was sending me a check so that I would have some money...actually...he is very much a material giver so this is a good thing...if he really hated me and really wanted no contact ...he would not be sending money and would not be calling at all....don't you all agree? He still is saying that he can't take anymore of this and that it is always something...but I have a little hope now....and it's only been two days since he's been back at work and we've had any contact at all with each other...so, now, I need to really NOT call him during the day...NOT email him...and NOT beep him....so that he sees I can stick to an agreement and then carry on a nice civil conversation with him when we do talk at night. I need to think of some ways to make him laugh and some ways to keep things light...fun...to bring him down from the tower where he's shooting at me from right now.....any ideas? Last time he got like this I validated him like crazy and it worked...it was sooooo hard on me though...what has worked for others?????
Input please! At least I can sleep tonight...knowing he cared enough to call me...whether he later says it was just to keep me from calling and beeping him during the day or not...(which is what he may say if he gets too angry again) He is capable of saying things like that to hurt me....I need to not take things personally....and back off for now...just focus on good evening talks...that make him notice changes in me...Comments welcomed, desired, needed....please! Help!
You said that you know what worked! So really you answered yourself. Back off, give him space and quit pursuing.
It seems to work for all of us.
LOL, I see you are giving out rewards today! LOL
If you back off and let H pursue you, we'll give you an award! I've been noticing, since Laurie posted to you, that you are leaving the bitterness behind! Good for you!
When you started this thread, I didn't know how to respond. Then on my way home from work I was thinking about it your sitch and remembered something that happened with me and my H similar to you and your H's blow up/fall out.
It was maybe July. I totally lost it with H, my anger was just spewing from me like it never had before. It was awful actually. I suggested a physical blow would be much easier to get over than the pain I was feeling since this all started. The pain from a physical blow would heal a lot fast then the pain that was constant in my life at that time. Anyway, H said that he was finished, that being at OW's was better than being with me. That he was seeing a lawyer and moving the rest of his stuff out of the house. I was so upset that I took everything and piled it into a corner. I think I took it all down so that I could get used to the lower lever of our house without all his stuff. Then about an hour later put it all back. Thought if H wanted to move it out H could move it. I thought for sure it was OVER!
The next day I get a call from H, I was hesitant to answer the phone, but did anyway. In talking with H it was like everything was fine again. H was very pleasant we talked a little bit about what happened and that was the end of it. I was stunned and thankful. I do beleive that was my last "flip out" episode with H, also. These "flip out" episodes were what was keeping H from believing things had changed or were going to change. But they did change. I have learned to sit with those feelings at least for a day or longer, as suggested by everyone here, and it does help.
I don't know what I'm trying to get at here, but since then I have moved forward and things slowly changed for the better.
I determined that going dim worked better for me than going dark. It sounds like that would also work better for you.
Now that you promised to not contact during the day - don't. I speak to my H nightly even if only for a few minutes. But a lot of DBing can take place during even the briefest conversation/
You can do this. Keep busy pursing your goals not your H! YOur goals sound great!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
You and your h are at the place we are....2 wounded animals attacking each other. You and your h hurt so badly, you each want the hurt to stop, but you love each other yet you hurt each other out of your insecurities so then you each withdrawn and get nowhere.
My mc told me yesterday that our greatest enemy in this is ourselves and that we do not know how to be nice to each other. Your assumptions, your past hurts are coloring how you react to what your h says and does...and the same for him.
Listen carefully to what your h is saying...do not put yourself into it. In other words, do not read into his words take them for what they are do not assume he doesn't care if that is not what he is actually saying.
Oh, and play nice! My MC not in a belittling way told me to get the book "everything I learned I learned in Kindergarten" and READ IT! Just to get the basics of being nice ...sometimes in the fight for the m we loose sight of common courtesies.
Oh, and some Basic rules of marriage: 1. always return your spouse's calls right away, 2. your spouse should know where you are at any given time, 3. be very clear and specific about what, where, when and who.
Some of this may not suit your sitch but use what you can. Many a time my h and I have thrown in the towel...but our love keeps us coming back to try again. As long as you love him, keep trying....nothing wrong in calling him to say sorry...that is the right thing to do.
A good book that helped me during this process is Getting Back Together. I has a lot of exercises for you to do to get to know yourself better, what it is you need and also points out the postive things that can happen during a separation.
I ditto the no phone calls/contact with him. Dropping the rope seems to get some response from them. And, for me at least, it saved my sanity. I'd email him and then just sit and wait for a resonse and get broken hearted if one didn't come. But, if I didn't initiate anything, whenever he called, it would be a plus and I'd be as upbeat as possible and tried to follow the rule of always ending the conversation first.
This is hard, it is hard to have faith in letting them find their own happiness and trusting it will be you. But that is the best we can do, pray that they find the happiness they deserve.
When the impulse of contact hits, come to the bb to help you get through it.
You have done so much already with your life, I love your responses to Laurie, how about turning them into goals with action oriented steps. Something you could read first thing every morning?
Hang in there, you can do this and we are here to help.
I am giving myself an award for Self Restraint Db'er of the Day.
I went out..used a little money that I really don't have but will have cause ex is sending me some finally...child support...to get hair trimmed...felt good to be pampered...went to Dr....went to post office...McDonald's and AA meeting.
Came home ...cleaned a little bit of house. Did a little work. Am now posting.
Tonight. Will call him as that is our agreement if I don't beep or email or call during day...we will talk for a little while at night. Will wait til 9...that gives him the chance to call me first. Hopefully, he will.
Dr is tapering down meds...wants to see what happens. Thinks now I am more borderline personality than bipolar...I tend to agree after having read the descriptive diagnostic stuff....severe fear of abandonment has always been an issue for me...and fear of intimacy at same time....
Anyway...just gonna tell H that meds are going away...not going to discuss new diagnosis as he will say see...it's always something new....
will just say I am continuing counseling for a while for me til am off meds to buy time...which is mostly true....sin of omission, yes, but it is necessary right now I think....he doesn't understand that this is much better and much more manageable and won't be ready yet to hear that...has been through way too much....am not ready to burden him....
Doctor said that we need to both be angry at couple that was doing this to us....will explain..
Don R. and his wife.
Don R. called in July accusing my H of having affair with his wife based only on some phone calls that went back and forth between our homes...
His kid and ours were on same softball team...enough said for reason for calls they are 12 and 13 year olds...
I bought into it...he had begun calling me and telling me all kinds of bizarre UNTRUE things...but I was in a fragile mental state due to wrong meds and paranoia and insecurity ran high....
Worked through it...pulled myself out of it..db'ed....H and I were doing really well....
We ran into them at a church dinner...they had the nerve to sit down at our table...they knew who we were....we did not know who they were... UNTIL...we were all introduced by mutual friends....
Now...phone calls start ....from women....My H calls and caller id says he is at an Anchorage cell phone number..I am frantic...angry upset overstressed...get way out there...Ruin all I have done with db'ing.......H hates me and leaves after Christmas....I email and email nasty mean things....he stays away and goes right to work....we talk he says he is filing for a divorce (has said this before) because I am not logical or rational enough to go through with mediation or a dissolutionment....says he hates me....
next day we talk again...somewhat better ....no real d talk...he says he will send me a check and agrees to talk nightly if I do not email, call, or beep him during his work day...but says he doesn't really want to talk to me...
Today...no calls no emails no beeps....
Dr. says he would not agree to talk nightly if he didn't have hope of working things out and would not send money either....also says he is going to say many more mean things to me to push my buttons...
I am prepared to validate again and try to bring him back down from his sniper's tower....it will be hard...but maybe this is the last time we will have to go through this...I love him and want my marriage....
I am angry at the couple who had women calling me and had me so upset...since then I have checked and H WAS at work...caller id can make mistakes and if two calls are coming in at once..sometimes one comes in and the other registers I have been told by local phone company... so H was not lying nor cheating and I blew up over some two freaks who want to destroy our marriage for who knows why????? This man and his wife are lunatics... I have since stopped attending THAT church...changed phone number to private unlisted number....and gotten to see doc to get meds under control...
Now....time to work on H...God help me to win him back...
I have soooo screwed everything up ....and yet feel like it wasn't even my fault...doc agrees...but says its up to me to fix things....
Pray for me ....all of you who pray...please...that my marriage will piece back together....
Akgal....
Tonight will focus on no R talk....just hi how was your day...mine was....and act as if....
will possibly tell him what doc said about the Don R situation and how we are both taking our anger out on each other rather than on them....and how we need to stop doing that...but have to find the right way to say that and can only say it if H seems receptive tonight...God will guide me...Satan, get thee behind me!
...sometimes in the fight for the m we loose sight of common courtesies.