Well, he came home last night. He seemed very tense. Asked what was
wrong, he said he thought I was taking this all as joke. We talked for
two hours. I could not believe how calm I was. All the praying and
reading really helped.
He feels that we have been friends in the marriage but not Intimate
spouses. That he is very unhappy. That he doesn't want to live like
this. I told him we in a sense have wanted the same things for years.
Me a stronger emotional connection he an intimate one. The beginning of
the marriage I felt alone. After reading DR the intimacy chapter is us
to a T.
He told me he went and saw a lawyer yesterday. I just sat there and
listened. He said that there was great financial responsibility, to
make sure that I was taken care of. He told me he did not renew his
life insurance policy. Because he already had one with the company
because of being part owner.
He said he wanted to tell the boys(23,21) because he felt that he was
lying to them. And that was creating to much anxiety.
I spoke up then. I told him I did not want to put the house on the
market, that I want our son to enjoy his first year of law school which is
the hardest, and my other son to enjoy his senior year in college. And
also told him that meant spending the holidays in our home. He said
that they are grown men and they can handle it. I asked him not to say
anything.
He said he talked to a lawyer about things, and the lawyer asked if he
wanted to file and he said not yet. Don't know what that means.
He said the changes that I am doing in keeping the house and making
dinner and getting on with my life is not going to change things. I
reiterated that it was making me feel good. And I was doing it for myself.
Not for him. He said that he was glad I was making a change for myself.
I told him that he has been a perfectionist, do things at there best.
Which is on the things that I love about him.
My personality is that I am a flea. I hop around so much, I don't take
things slow. This is one of the areas that I am working on for me.
Stop, breathe, evaluate, and then move forward. When I tried to say
things and I couldn't get the right words out I stopped. I kept my mouth
shut. And I told him. That my talking out of desperation is what has
partially gotten us to this point. And that it is another thing that I was
changing.
He said he that my idle threats twice when we were real young about
leaving, and then telling him I want a divorce, and then saying if
you're that unhappy then leave have all attributed this. I explained
again that I said those out of desperation.
The last time was this past January. I had become complacent in the
marriage, lazy I admit this. He got upset he brought things out and I
went on the defensive. That is when I said what I did. That has been
the turning point for him. He said he has felt that he has tried for
years to make me happy, and he has. I have been his confidant, his
supporter, care taker, his soul mate. Except for the intimacy.
He feels that if he hadn't had this breakdown an it has been a true
breakdown we would still be living the life that we had. And he doesn't
know if he will be able to get over that. He feels that I am changing
because of that only. I had told him something my god mother told me.
Is that we have to find our own happiness. He felt that when I said
that it was an epiphany for him. He had to find his happiness and right
now it is not with me. He feels trapped because of the financial
obligation to me to stay here. He hates where we live and wants to
move. Something we have both felt. And have many talks about moving over the
years. I told him that I felt with the daily deluge of work issues and
him trying to be a pleaser, and never turning anyone down has also
attributed to this. He never has taking time for himself. Never without
the cell phone in hand. Which made me constantly saying something about that.
I told him that i was glad he has made that change. I admitted that I was wrong to
discourage him in the past about wanting to go golfing on Sunday's.
Because if he had stayed home all we would have done is watched tv. And
I realize the importance of down time. Golfing with friends is
different than golfing with clients. And instead of me mopping around
the house when he was gone I should have taken the opportunity to do
something for myself. Win/win situation. I also told him I had applied
for a job, and that I had also gone to check getting certified to be
able to work in hospice and elder care. He said good. Conversation
over, he made some tea, of course I asked if I could get it for him he
said no. We talked briefly some more. Showed him the program
description of the classes. Then he said he was going to bed. Slept ok,
until early morning stomach in knots again. Got out of bed, said good
morning to him. He was leaving for the gym and work. He also said until
he has researched the program more he didn't want me to enroll. He just
doesn't think that there is enough training in it for me to do what I want
to do. Oh well. He hasn't removed any of the financials or any other documents
that are here regarding the business. I feel that if I go see an attorney
this will prompt him to move forward. I AM FIGHTING HARD FOR THIS MARRIAGE
AND I AM NOT GIVING UP.