G, I hear what you're saying, and you're not being too blunt with me at all. At this point, I don't think that's possible. If I had left off "you were late," it would have gone something like this:
C: BTW, if you’re going to help me out by taking S12 to school, then I need for him to be there on time. He needs to be there by 7:50. H: I know, I had him there on time. C: No, you didn't. H: Yes, I did. I even asked S12. ... and it would have proceeded from there pretty much the same.
Soul, I hear what you're saying. It's not my intention to make him feel inferior. How do I approach this? First, it's not like he was charged with murder and he needs to defend himself against life in prison, so I don't get the giant wall of defense. Second, I wasn't screaming at him and yelling and ranting when I presented this. Two sentences!
So I would try this: C: BTW, if you’re going to help me out by taking S12 to school, then I need for him to be there on time. He needs to be there by 7:50. H: We were on time. I even asked S12. C: If you're going go take him, then I need you to leave the house by 7:35 so that I'm comfortable he's getting there on time.
At this point, one of two things would likely happen. He would either agree to do so but never actually change his behavior, then we would be arguing whether he left at 7:35, or whether he ever agreed to it in the first place. Or he would accuse me of being controlling because he says he doesn't like to be told what to do.
So I keep looking at this exchange trying to dissect where it goes wrong, as this is very typical. The fact is, even if presented without criticism, I get an immediate argument. Therefore, I just shut down the communication. In a case like this, I would notice that H can't get him to school on time and I would just take him myself from then on, no comment to H at all. H would offer to take him, I would decline with a pleasant "No, thank you."
I've done this with pretty much everything in life. I've withdrawn. There is no inter-dependence. I look at everything as being something I have to handle as a single parent/person. Meanwhile, he keeps wanting things from me. I've read on Harley's site that this is a recipe for divorce, because it builds resentments and barriers. I see that. I'm there.
