Still together but trying to save this

[PeteWyo]

true true

[PeteWyo]

So the W text me this morning saying that she was worried for my parents. They are in the midst of this storm and it is pretty bad where they are. My plan was to just text her back with something like "Thank you for the concern". I know Denver said to go black but I don't want to be cold. There are some things that are more important than others and people's health and safety is up there. I probably won't send that until later if anyone has any input...

[PeteWyo]

In addition to advice on the last text I just received this one:

"Don't mean to keep blowing up your phone and you've made it clear you don't want to talk to me, so I'm sorry, but one more thing. Do you think there is any chance the rest of my things might be ready by Friday? I'm off work that day & trying to plan it out. If not that's totally fine too, just curious. Thanks."

Denver, Bond, anyone else. I really need some advice here. I feel so bad being cold and unresponsive. Should I say anything besides yes or no? I so much want to just say, "I DO want to talk to you and tell you all about all the great things that I have been doing and how much I love you and how I want you to come home." Obviously I am not going to do that but this is killing me. I hate seeing her hurt like this, despite what she is doing. I feel like I am pushing her further away, if that is even possible. HELP!!!!

[AnotherStander]

Denver, Bond, anyone else. I really need some advice here. I feel so bad being cold and unresponsive.

Well hopefully I won't confuse things, but I went back and spot read this thread to try and get the picture of your sitch. It sounds like the advice you're getting is to go completely dark, which is the LRT. Personally, and this is just my opinion, I don't think you're in a good position for the LRT. Because of comments like this:

"Well that is a complicated situation. I would love to do some 180s with my wife. But she isn't around. She is staying with a friend and isn't in the house. I basically told her early on that it was the OM or me and it appears that she has made her choice. I would love to continue to be in some sort of relationship with my W but I don't know at this point what to believe. I can't do too many 180s with my W because all of her issues (at least the ones that she has told me about) stem from my anxiety and work stress."

What I'm reading here is that you have some kind of anxiety problem, first let me ask what are you doing about that? Are you on med's for it now? Second, it appears to this point that you've done no 180's. Here's the problem- your W is not interested in resuming the old marriage with the old you. You're not going to be able to attract her back to that, it didn't work and she's done. However, she may be interested in a better marriage with a different you, a you that has done 180's on all your problems and is dedicated to making those 180's permanent. Here's the conundrum- how is she going to be interested in that if you haven't shown her any 180's?

Also, I didn't see any comments from you about how your communication with W was during the marriage. Were you somewhat detached from her and maybe a bit cold in communications? If so, then LRT could very well be perceived by your W as "more of the same" behavior. Michele warns about this in DR.

I'm not telling you not to go LRT, just offering some thoughts so you can make a more educated decision about it. I highly recommend you re-read the section in DR about LRT as a refresher.

[PeteWyo]

AS, Thank you for the quick reply. To clarify my situation. Yes, I had a major anxiety problem that I was not admitting to, not even to myself, and I never sought help. I have talked to all of my friends and family about it and got that monkey off my back. That in itself helped me a lot. Just knowing that I could rely on people and that I didn't have to face my anxiety on my own. I am taking some medication and that is helping and I have been going to a therapist to get to the root of my anxiety issues. All that being said, I believe I have a good start on a solid long term fix to my anxiety. I have been going out in social situations all the time and rebuilding the relationships that I may have damaged by being closed off and recluse. The other issue that I have realized with the help of my IC is setting my own expectations. Not sure whether I have been trying to live up to my father's expectations or my own unrealistic expectations but either way I have reevaluated my situation. I took a different position with my work in an effort to reduce work stress. It is less money but I will be able to focus on and enjoy my friends and family more rather than being obsessed with furthering my career and missing out on living my life! This was a huge step for me.

To be honest other than that, nothing else was brought to my attention as being an issue. Our communication was definitely the problem. In our MC mandated "date" a couple months ago, we had a great conversation, she told me a couple of things that she was upset about in the past. I reminded her of how the conversation went down, and she said, "Oh yeah, you know what? You are right. I think we just had a lot of miscommunications." That is the most frustrating thing to me. So many times throughout our marriage, I would tell her, I just want you to have an opinion. She would just accept my point of view without even voicing an opinion. So I just assumed she agreed. Apparently she did not but would smile and nod and then go tell her friends that I was too controlling. When all she had to do was tell me, "Ya know, I think we should do it this way instead." She has told me that she never did that because she was afraid that we would get into a fight, and she didn't want to get upset or upset me. That fear is unbased since we never fought (like 5 actual arguments in 6 years). So the communication thing does worry me. My anxiety caused me to be recluse, not so much at home with her as when we were out but still there too. So I am afraid by not responding to her, she thinks I am just being a jerk and writing her off when this is far from the truth! I have learned to control my anxiety and I am still working on a long term solution but the medication does the trick for now. I am no longer obsessing over my job and enjoying the relationships that I have. I want her to see that so bad and I fear that if I just go dark on her that she will run away from the possible hurt again. On the other side of the coin, in the beginning of our separation, I was trying to keep things light, sending her funny emails, etc, but never really got any response. I hope my rambling makes some sense.

[PeteWyo]

AS, I am open to another opinion. How would you respond to her at this point?

[PeteWyo]

Oh and to clarify, I don't want to go back to the old marriage either. Now that I know about her fear of confrontation, I would be so much more understanding about that. I just honestly never knew. I will admit that I can stand behind my opinion strongly. I like a good debate though and have always been willing to compromise. But I can't compromise if I don't know there is a difference in opinion.

[PeteWyo]

Ok, update. I did cave a little. I sent her a text back that said:

"Sorry, I have been all over the place these last few days! I will try my best to get the rest out there ASAP, Friday might be cutting it close though with the storm. Parents lost power but I think it is back on. Everyone is safe. Thanks for the concern."

I hope that wasn't too much. I just care so much for her and I know that her feelings are hurt because she wasn't getting anything back from me at all. I realize she is probably just looking for vindication at this point, but above all I don't want her to be unhappy. If this just helps her move on from me then so be it. I'll be OK either way.

[PeteWyo]

I feel like I am being a 16 year old girl posting text messages on here looking advice, Geez. But I want to get it on here so that you all can help me make an informed decision on what to do. I promise I don't obsess about this all day. I realize when reading through other poster's threads that I am probably only reading about a fraction of their day when they are dealing with all this. The nature of this forum is such that everything seems so focused because that is what we are all posting about. Anyway, her response to my last text was,

"Okay, I'm sorry, I figured you were busy but I was just worried. If not Friday that's ok I totally understand. Thanks again:)"

[Denver_2010]

Okay... I need to clarify. Maybe I should not have used the word 'dark'. The definition of what 'dark' is around here differs.

Personally, it is VERY rare that I would suggest to go completely dark, no contact whatsoever.

Maybe the better word is 'dim'.

Anyway, what i mean when I say go dark/dim for now is don't initiate contact. When your W initiates contact, and she will, keep your responses polite, short, and to the point. I also advise people NOT to open the door to keeping the conversation going by asking questions. Let the WAW do the heavy lifting on keeping a conversation going. If she wants to keep talking, she will make it happen. That's my opinion.

Your W initiated contact today and you responded quite well IMO. Your response was polite, short, and to the point. You didn't invite her to engage in more conversation. It was REALLY GOOD. IMO

Do you see how she is finding reasons to contact you? I realize that we had a major storm and that she needs to figure out how to get all of her things, but her texts seem to be frequent. To me anyway.

Also noteworthy to me is the fact that she keeps bringing up this notion that you clearly don't want to talk to her... she's sorry for bothering you, she will get out of your hair, she knows that you can't wait to get her stuff out of your house, etc.

IMO, she is wondering what is going on in your head. I stress that this is my opinion only, and I do recognize that I am mind reading (not recommended). I absolutely could be wrong. So please read this with extreme caution. I don't want to get your hopes up.

My point is that I do see progress with what you are doing. I'm making that point because I don't want to see you change anything up right now IF it is working.

I have to disagree with AS a bit. At least I think that I'm disagreeing... maybe I'm just not reading his post correctly, but LRT does not call for complete no contact. It is more along the lines of what I describe above... dim.

I also disagree that you are not in the place for LRT. There is an OM and she has told you that she wants a D. MWD is clear that those are two scenerios where you should be in LRT. I agree with her.

As long as OM is in the picture, she will not be open to really accepting your changes. She will not be open to any kind of R with you.

Your goal is to confuse her thinking. Make her wonder if she is doing the right thing by being with OM. You do that by making her wonder if she is losing you, that you are no longer an option for her. You do that by being polite and kind when you talk to her. YOu do that by working on your 180's and letting her notice from afar... and if you do it right, she WILL see it.

Your 180's are important for sure... for you, first of all. But so that you are ready to truly show her that you have REALLY changed if and when the opportunity arises where she will be open to it.

I highly suggest that you continue doing what you are doing. And I reiterate that I think that you are doing really well right now.