Riding the Bull

[25yearsmlc]

Just a quick update. W came back from the pool with D8 and we had a pleasant family dinner. Once d8 was in bed, I walked W to the gate to let her out. She asked me for some advice on how to act in a situation with one of her gigs (Owners left the country for a month telling her to keep going in every Saturday but left no instructions to staff about payment - now her musicians don't want to go in because they didn't get paid last time). I didn't really offer advice but I told her to follow her instinct and do what "she thought was the right thing to do" with a smile.

She then smiled and said:"By the way, thank you for the discussion this morning. It helped me a lot". I told her I thought I talked too much and she said: "No, not this time. It was really helpful. Thanks you so much."

I didn't ask for an explanation as I didn't think she was offering it but I simply said I was glad I could help.

Just my intuition, but I think I'd have said "oh thanks. I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me when I talk too much b/c it's something I'm working on & can use the feedback..."



Then she left on foot to meet her lift so I suspect OM was picking her up somewhere,

again with the self inflicted pain...



but I'm not sure as she referred to it as "these guys are on the way".

OMG ...Arsene, learn from this^^^.

[2chiquitos]

I'm guessing your talkative and express yourself a lot? So you're 180 is holding back on the unnecessary talk and laying low? Is that right?

If it is, you're doing great!

Thank you for stopping by my thread. I really appreciate your advice.

[Arsene]

You are welcome Vero. Actually, it wasn't one of my 180s but it is something that I should really work on.

Now I know that I've been up for the last few days and perhaps today is the withdrawal I'm suffering but I feel a bit blue. This compounded by the fact that W just sent me a text asking me if she could bring a friend over at my house to practice on Thursday morning.
I know that in the past (it seems like years ago) I had told her she could even come around if she needed the space for her singing lessons since I have the piano at the house, but I'm not really feeling comfortable with having someone who might actually be a mate of OM practicing in my house. She didn't say who so I imagine it's someone I don't know and frankly I want nothing to do with her new "friends" at the moment.
I'm thinking of simply replying with the following:

"Sorry W, but I don't feel comfortable with this so I'd rather not. Thanks for understanding."

What do you think?

Another thing is that on Thursday morning we were supposed to go to immigration again. I wonder if she's forgotten. It'll also be my 47th bday. Sigh!!!

[Arsene]

Well, that was quick. Within the hour they were back with 3 hamsters and a cage. D8 is delighted. That meant that we were now to spend the rest of the day together. I wasn't in the mood to be around W all day so I tried to give them space to be together and at one point went out in the back yard just to sit and meditate.

Just curious. Is any of this^^ behavior also something you two did in the past? Like you retreating and disconnecting from her and d8?


No it isn't. It's just the sitch which sometimes makes it uncomfortable to be in the same small house.

I listened and validated but nothing much was said as D8 ended up being around most of the time.

Sounds as if D8 likes feeling like part of a family.

Yes she does and I don't resent her that. In fact, I love it when the three of us are together.

RE: the phone incident, I was calm when I looked at the phone but after she took it away in such an obvious manner the thought crossed my mind that it was probably OM. Re: conversational skills, She wasn't answering it but the phone kept beeping every once in a while. She usually looks at it when there is a break and I move away. Re; me being cold, it was just that. No anger or rudeness, just no warmth.

I know I need to detach more and try not to be affected by this. I'm working on it. You are right that hopefully I could come out looking good as in my view it is a sign of immaturity and insecurity. I once found a convo between them on D8's phone (W had borrowed it for a week while her phone was getting fixed) and the gist of it was:"Hi hon!" "hi" "what's up?" "nothing, what about you?" "sorry it took a while, I ran out of credit, lol" - Kind of teenager in love thing. It surprises me that W actually goes for that. We used to talk about people doing that and found them annoying.

Maybe she is just really head-over-heels head-in-the-fog right now, but I hope that if she does come out of it ever so slightly, she will probably get annoyed by it again.

RE: the way we communicate. not really, we use to communicate very well (at least I thought we did) but now it seems she wasn't really telling me anything. I'm the kind who has his heart on his sleeve and who used to say it like it was so she always knew exactly where she stood, she on the other hand, sounds like she kept it all in.

I hope that she will feel safe enough to open up more when she decides to talk about us (if she ever does).

In the meantime I need to DETACH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks 25

[tori2012]

Arsene, if you feel uncomfortable having the friend over to practice, it's okay to say so. Your email to her sounds okay. She might be upset about it, but what can you do.

I see the OM as an escape. She's running away from something--her responsibilities as a mom/ W? Her past? Career frustrations? It's good she's opening up to you more. If you don't judge or criticize, or get offended, she'll open up even more.

We're here for you ((()))

[roughenough]

Hey Arsene. I hope you’re doing well. I am noticing a lot of focus on W. What's it going to take to change this? Take care my friend.

[roughenough]

Have you ever thought about a SET SCHEDULE? It doesn't seem like you have one. Please correct me if I am wrong but it seems like you allow W a “come when you want” philosophy? If that’s the case, you might want to consider getting into a routine. It’s good for daughter and yourself. All this “come and go” stuff doesn't seem right. Kids also really like structure. Getting a “routine” in place can be beneficial. I know you have your daughter most of the time but does your daughter know the days she’s with mom or is it hit and miss?

[2chiquitos]

I agree with roughenough. It took me over a year of separation to come up with a real schedule and it's helping my recovery a lot!

[Arsene]

Thanks for dropping by my friends. Rough, I know what you mean but the reason I came back here, to this city, was so that D8 could see her mom as often as possible. To me, this is still the best option for her until there is closure, no matter what effect it has on me.

Tori, Thanks for your comment to my question. I also appreciate what you say about OM and how she might just open up even more if I keep doing what I'm doing.

I was out watching that blues band I hope to manage, with a friend and I got home to a lovely note from my D8 which told me how much she loves the "new" daddy and in the end saying that "we will be back to a happy family like before but daddy will be changed to the happy one". It brought me to tears of course.

I then went through my correspondence and FB and a few minutes ago, obviously after her gig tonight, W changed her status to:

"Why do we have to lose before realizing the value/price of a being/existence/presence/someone?" (translated using online translators).

This is all very emotionally taxing. I wish that if W had something to say, she just came out and said it.

I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

I'll hold off before telling her about my decision on practice with the friend.

[Arsene]

I'm thinking of writing this as a comment to her status:

"Everything which has been lost can be found"

Should I?





Don't worry, I know the answer to that.