I agree with your family on this one, you do need to put a period on this R and move on. The R is over, he's with another woman. If he decides to change that, then you can work on another R with him, if that's what you want.
His R with his kids is up to him. You should do nothing to make it worse by bad-mouthing, etc but it's not your responsibility to make it better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
There's a lot going on and it seems H is blaming you for his agreeing to do things he later regretted. You can't take responsibility for that, don't.
But step back now and let him deal with his life. I know Acc mentioned it a couple of times and I will reinforce, look into counseling for you and your daughters with a good family therapist. There's a book called Depression Fallout which might be helpful to you (I know, when do you have time to read?)
I also want to mention his assertion that you didn't work for all these years-has he ever priced child care, especially quality child care? Has he taken responsibility for caring for the children for any significant amount of time? Is he getting visitation with them now?
I noticed you mentioned at one point that he "helped" with the children. Isn't taking care of your children one of the roles of a father?
But even with all that, you can only work on you.
Who do you want to be in the eyes of your children?
Work toward that.
Have as little contact with him as you can manage, give both of you a chance to calm down and get over the anger. What's happening between you right now isn't good for anyone, especially the children.
Take the high road.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I wrote a whole entry and it is gone:( I will start again... I wanted to say that today was a total washout in more ways than one! Not only is the storm still raging (thank god we still have power) I also cried all day off and on. Tomorrow will be better..it has to be.
H is at OWs again tonight, and was texting us from there a lot today. I totally engaged and it went no where, as I said before. Tomorrow I am starting NC again..especially since he said that my girls and I were evil and he was done. He claims I have killed the relationship he had with them. I also got a text today that said "I had no self esteem when I met OW and now I do and you could have done better to help that" also said that "I am never coming back to you guys...ever" so I guess he is in his happy place at her house 5 mins down the street.
AS...I appreciate the 2x4...I realize that I did a wrong thing and there is no justification to it. I also realize that I tend to want to make H out to be the demon. Hard not to, but I know that I have a lot of blame as well. I have been working on things and myself..slowly but surely. I had a huge set back these past 2 days and feel like Im back to square one. I have a list going about myself..things to work on...things to change, things to eliminate...I trying!
Its so hard to stay on Db mode when H is screaming how done he is and how great OW is. I refuse any contact tomorrow and so forth...in fact, after the evil comment This is a eye opener that he is in no mode to talk to any of us. I hope one day he will regret his decision.
labug..I do have my girls in IC and I am planning on setting up some form of family counseling for all of us together. This cannot go on like this much longer where we are all arguing with H. Especially the girls. They are so hurt and Im scared that they will resent him forever for walking out on us. They really are resentful right now. Im sad they have had to endure this situation, but it doesnt look like its gonna get any better any time soon. The part about not working bugged me too...I have spent the past 14 years being a wife and mom...I hope that the courts see it this way too. There is no price for all of what I have done over the years. I never sat back and "chilled" as he texted to me.
So, H is there now with OW and it helps me to think that he must have some guilt...I hope. Its mean to say, but I want him to be sad for what he has done. Dont know if that will ever happen. I talk to MIL today and she said how sad she is of what is going on. She said that there was awhile when H was not seeing OW and I assume this is when he came back to me and asked to move back home. H tried to inititate ML that weekend. He didnt stay here , but came for the evening and wanted to hide out in the garage while kids were upstairs. I declined but this all makes total sense now. Because like a week later, he changed his mind about moving home and now I know its because she popped up in the picture again. I dont think I will ever be rid of her:( She lives so close that even if we did ever R, I would always worry about seeing her.
I beat myself up about not letting him back in and now, I know that it would have gone nowhere. He would have been back talking to her from our guest room:( Glad I made the conditions, although it seems that her back in the picture was the real reason he didnt really try like he wanted to. I hate her so much!
Do you think that the WAS has some guilt while with her, even if he says he is done? I cannot help but to hope that he is suffering some. I know that is mean, but honestly, I want him to suffer and be sad. I hate thinking he is happy. I am not a mean spirited person, but these past 2 days have really gotten to me...Its time for anger to set in instead of sadness.
I pray hard everynight that I will wake up happier and that he will be one step closer to realizing what he is giving up. I just want him and her to break it off so badly. Part of me has hope it wont last because of the numerous times they have broke it off, but another part of me says that she has no kids at home and no hubby, so they can live it up at her house whenever they want.
Is it normal to be okay if he doesnt come back, but to want that affair to end. She is the OW to me and I just want them to be done so bad...
I know I am just venting tonight...I am loving all my feedback because I know my friends and family are sick of hearing it all the time. I appreciate everyone who reads and comments to me!
TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER...IT HAS TO BE...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Sweetbriar I've been thinking of you all day and wondering how you're doing. You're experiencing a terrible storm in more ways than one.
I wish I was posting at the time that I had that blow out with OW n H but I was only reading the books at the time. The advice you've been given (NC) is the best advice you can get.
If I could go back then I would've turned off my cell for my sanity. Everytime I got a text I would cringe.
Today, my relationship w H is so much better than a year ago when all this happened. He was a total A$$h-le last year and did and said things that were NOT him. He says he thinks back at that time and he was not himself.
Have you ever been depressed. Maybe post partum depression? You say and do things that are totally out of character. I was willing to give up my kids and runaway! The same holds true for WAS. He is experiencing a depression and OW is his drug. He won't let her go because she pumps him up. Keep this info to yourself because it will help you later.
And no, H would've NEVER left S4 in the car like that before all this and much less now. His priorities were all screwed up.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Guilt is a horrible, nasty emotion on all sides that gets nobody to a good place. Leave those thoughts behind.
Will he have regret? Mark my words he will. He sounds quite like an adolescent. The idea that she boosts his self esteem is fleeting. It wont last. But you need to let go and give these things time to take hold. As long as your behavior supports the negative role he has given you in this narrative he will stay bound to it. Change his story line by stepping away, being a great mom and focusing on you.
I urge you to not take the advice to apologize to your H and his harlot. It will cement you in their minds as the guilty party. Just ensure it will never, ever happen again. I dont believe it will. You saw what you needed to see, now you can move forward.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Is it normal for your STBXH to say he still loves you but doesnt want to be married? I guess thats kinda the same things as I love you but not in love with you??
Yup...ILYBINILWY. 180's help you strip away all the extraneous baggage, I think. It helps get rid of the "do I want you here because I am scared to be alone?" the "how do I do this?" etc. Then you get down to the nitty gritty-love. If it is still there, you dig in and really begin the long haul. If it all comes back around you are ready to start again
If it doesn't, then you have a solid foundation to continue on.
Are you and your family okay? Yes, it's a new day and it's time to start by going NC. NC will help you find your balance and your focus, which should be on you, your unborn child and your children. Of course, right now, you are looking at a clean up later in the week into next week. Worry about that chore when the weather is better.
Your h does feel guilt and shame and it will only get worse as he continues moving forward on the mlc path. He is angry at the world and is lashing out at you. It is not your job to build up his self esteem or make him happy. He is the only one that can do those things and I would venture to say that his parents or someone in authority didn't do that when he was a child. He is definitely acting like a teenage bully.
Step away from his drama. If he texts about the house, yard or the welfare of the family, you can respond, but other than that...don't. You do not need to be bashed over and over again by him.
Sweetbriar, you can't fix him because you didn't break him. Right now, he's trying to break your spirit to get what he wants. Stand up straight and hold your head up high...you've done nothing wrong and are still standing for your marriage. He's the one that walked away and should be walking around w/his head down and his tail between his legs.
Today will be a better day....go NC for your well being today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We are safe! The storm was bad last night, and we do have one uprooted tree in the back, far from the house, but other than that, we are good!
This morning, while both myself and my girls were still in bed, H calls and says he is in the driveway and needs to talk to all of us. In hindsight, I should have said that we are all still sleeping and refuse to let him in, but I woke up the girls and let him talk to us. He was there to tell us that he loves his kids, but that he also loves his OW and that he is dating her. He was there last night and that he isn't going to lie anymore. NO secrets.
He went on to say that he is "NEVER coming back and that we need to understand that...marriages end and that he is not in love with me anymore...he loves OW" He said that I was a monster our "whole marriage" and that is why he cannot ever be with me again. I then stepped in and said that I will not let him come in and talk about me that way in front of the kids. He told the kids that his personal relationships have nothing to do with them and he didnt leave them...he left the marriage. Well, even my lawyer said that he made the choice to leave all of us for OW, so in essence, he left us all.
H went on to say that he cannot wait for baby to be born and that it may help him with his sadness. (once again...looking for something to make him feel better) and he also said that OW cares about him which we dont. He told the kids that he doesnt appreciate their disrespect towards him and that he is a great dad. He said that the definition of a good dad is someone who provides for their kids and loves their kids and my D14 said, no that isnt...its someone who doesnt walk out on their kids.
I didnt say much at first, but then when he started to attack that I have out all this stuff in the kids head and telling my kids that "your mom is killing my relationship with you gilrs" I got mad:( I then started to be mean back. It didnt go anywhere good from there..we went back and forth in front of the kids when I asked him to speak to me privately instead.
My poor kids had to hear us fighting yet again, and I hate that. I also just reassured H why he loves OW and not me.
I walked H to the door and he said "you are so ugly..you will never find another man" and he left:( That made me so sad he said that...never has he said that.
So, after he left (and lots of other things were said) H called and I said that its not fair he gets to come make a wreck of our morning and then leave once the kids are very emotional. He said that he just does not want anything to do with me and that he would never come back to live in our home again...he wants to be with OW. This is the first time he has really been open about her, so I guess they are an official thing. H said that he know everything about her and she is a good lady:( OF course, here I am taking care of the house and his kids and unborn baby, but she is the good lady. I did kinda show a mean streak, I admit, but I felt cornerned by him.
H claims that he has suffered for 2 months at his parents crying everynight over his kids and that he had stopped seeing OW for awhile, but he always has loved her. He even went as far as to say that "we never had a honeymoon phase" and that he always was unhappy.
I admit, that I didnt make things any better today, but I was totally caught off guard with him coming over and Im sad again today. I really believe that this is the end. He was very sure of himself that he loves her and he is never returning to our family. He says he knows what he stands to lose...
H also mentioned that we are at rock bottom and I advised that I am not. He says he has no money and that Im "out all the time". I don't spend any money on anything except my kids and the household...period.
So now, I continue to move forward. Its so hard after hearing all of those things. Just a knife cutting me again and again when he talks about how great OW is. I just dont see that relationship ending any time soon:(:( I want to believe you Snodderly when you say that he does feel guilt and shame, but he doesnt act like it at all. H did say that he was so sad the night before that he wanted to end his life and die...I guess OW talked to him and that maybe prompted his visit?? Who knows...
His vist got us nowhere except me a bit angrier. I just dont feel like there is any chance...Im beginning to get discouraged that there is too much that has been said and done to ever R?
He is certainly NOT walking around with his tail tucked...he is acting like IM THE BAD ONE and that he has a great relationship now that he was owed. I guess that when they meet someone else who is meeting their needs, the wife get thrown in the trash.
One more weird thing...after all the mean, vicious things , he did say to me while on the phone, "I do love you and care about you but I dont want to ever be married to you again"
UGGGG....
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Vero, I should have mentioned, that I have never had depression but I do have anxiety. I cannot be on meds right now because of baby...but probably will go back on them after baby is born.
The drug reference, I have read about that before. He is addicted to the feeling that he has with her now. I know that. But my fear is that he will remain addicted because of how needy and depressed he is.
Is your H still with OW? Are they doing well or do you even know?
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
