Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

First of all, I hope all of you on the east coast are hanging in there. We are thinking about you. I hear that most of the deaths were from falling trees. I have had multiple falling object incidents (3 trees, a television, a light fixture and a gigantic planter falling off a roof) in my life, so I'm thankful to be safe right now.

Secondly, I've given some thought to what you all have said. I know that I deserve better than what I'm currently getting. I know that I should be back in the master bedroom where I belong. I know that my H probably is incapable of changing significantly, at least in the short run, and I know that he's not really being fair right now.

I also know that I should probably suck it up until the first of the year.

For those of you just tuning in, Denver originally told me to give it 90 days. It's been 30 days since I started DB'ing with any success, but those 30 days have been packed with small victories. We're basically back to where we were pre-bomb, which isn't a great place, but it's much better than where we were immediately post-bomb. The other important fact that may have gotten lost is that H is punishing me for having 2 EA's. I am still serving my sentence here on the sofa bed.

With H's birthday, S's birthday and the holidays coming, I think it's probably better not to cause additional stress and strife for the time being. I just want to have nice holidays honestly. I want to enjoy the first Thanksgiving in my new home. I want to have a peaceful Christmas and I want the four of us to spend the holidays together, even if I'm not feeling loved or being loved. This may be the last time we do spend them together. I hate thinking that way, but that's the reality, and frankly, I'm getting more comfortable with that thought.

I used to think that H loved me no matter what, even if he was cruel and distant. I knew that he loved me. Now, I'm not so sure. The texts that I read were pretty much cold and callous, not emotional and weepy. I don't see any signs of love or much caring now and I feel like there's a chance he may have turned off for good, or at least for now. But he does try now and then, and I think backing off the back rubs might help create some demand.

On a total side note, I am working on a new project that I am excited about. I am going to be doing some pro bono work for a health clinic in one of the poorest areas of LA. I will be helping them develop a brand strategy so that they can reach potential patients more effectively. Given that I am still recovering from my horrendous work situation in which I wasn't valued or appreciated whatsoever, this will be a nice change of pace and some excellent GAL.