Hey I don't want to come across as mean or judgemental either, but your take on things wavers at times. I have some challenging questions to pose that I think/hope will prepare you for the hardest questions your w may have for you
Plus now and then you lose sight of how you got here but want to spend time on "knowing why" instead of learning how NOT TO. There's a difference.
Originally Posted By: jeffodie
Keep-Going, I soooo appreciate your words. You have hit the nail on the head , BAM. I need to figure out WHY I felt he need to cheat, again. I have sought out a lot of counseling on this. I'm still working on it.
Is it possible, just possible, that the "reason" is irrelevant? Just do what it takes to stop it.
I say that b/c This is a solution based site, not a "how did my childhood cause it" or a rehashing of the past. Truly - I don't mean to sound snotty at all.
It's just that A LOT OF TIME IS WASTED on re-hashing the past and on a bunch of explanations that alone, achieve NOTHING...the quest is to DO DIFFERENT behaviors so you get different results. I spent way too much time trying to understand WHY my h was doing what he was doing (or what he was doing). And in the end it does not matter WHY...
who cares? Is there a "good" reason? I submit that No there's not. DB101 is "do more of what helps the m, and less/none of what hurts it."
After 31 years of marriage and many struggles, I can say that I have had many chances at affairs and I have been tempted. I work in a male dominated field and my h is gone a lot. At one point he was for some time very busy AND grumpy when home. Yes I was damn neglected AND was raising our kids on my own pretty much.
But still, I don't "get" having multiple affairs (requires such long term deceit) and then wondering why your 2nd marriage is troubled
OR why she'd have doubts. It's reasonable to expect.
You sabotaged both relationships for some reason. (If I were a shrink I'd ask if you love your mom,seriously I would)
Did you cheat AFTER she said she wanted another child...is that accurate?
Did it never occur to you that most women THAT AGE are in a different place than you are, and they DO/WILL want children?
Hey, Not to be snarky but surely the topic came up frequently, and is it your recall that you "both" agreed to only one child?
Sorry but I have to ask this--
Did YOU ever think of letting her go b/c you loved her enough - not to deny her motherhood, or a family with more than one child?
Also you mention "HER M.O." and I think it's your modus operandi that is at issue isn't it? I mean you're the one with the pattern.
Or has your present w had other affairs with married men? I'm not asking to be bitchy, but to know if this is a pattern for her too. You say it was a pattern in your first marriage and you imply that your first wife had multiple affairs.
Is that something that happened after your wife discovered your affairS?
I am currently in a self imposed celibacy run. No sex for 3 months now. That a RECORD for me! Oh okay.
Don't take this the wrong way. My h has been deployed in his Army Reserve Unit, to the Middle East for months now. So I've been celibate for months now too.
This is a RECORD for me!! (Just curious, How does that comment strike you?)
I love being married and I love being n a committed relationship, but it will never work if I keep derailing it by cheating.
Correct-it derails it. But Why do you love being married? What do you mean you love being in a committed relationship? I'm asking for real. What is good about it for you?
if both your marriages had affairs in them initiated by you, then what do you think about your choices to sabotage them both?
I have to figure out why I make the poor snap decision to cheat. I'm currently listening to a Alan Stanly DVD called "Guardrails."
Not sure how snap a decision these are but hey, what about choosing NOT to cheat" even if you want to"??
Also I noticed your concern about money and your wife's request for a $500 monthly increase which is 1/6 more than agreed to (before she knew of the affair.)
I don't know what your income is, or hers, but I don't think this is about her punishing you for cheating, OR at least not primarily. I think she wants what all wives want; security; financial, physical & sexual.
And if you have taken away her sexual security, then she has financial worries too (b/c she'll be on her own without you and with a child to raise alone,
then I can understand the financial concerns.
PLUS she may think you'd be more likely to stay faithful if you have to pay more for cheating.
Maybe learning about why we do something is super important but I know tht It's rare that we willingly say "Yes, I WILL RISK IT ALL for this meaningless feel good moment"...b/c we all rationalize what we do.
We believe, if only for that moment, that we are "right" to do what we are doing...or right enough not to stop "this time."
Usually we feel lonely or neglected and then we get tempted, and in that moment we justify acting on the temptation.
Often we blame the person we cheated on for "making" us cheat or for "Not meeting our needs" so of course we cheat..."anyone in our shoes would have"... and that's why you'll see so much anger coming FROM the WAS so often, which is ironic.
I'm sorry b/c I think my point is that if I were your w, I would not wait around while you figure out WHY you hurt me. I'd just want to Know you won't do it again.
That takes time and consistent change on YOUR end.
And if I wanted another child I would probably feel even more conflicted.
On one hand, I'd want to have another child asap while I had a h around AND I'd probably feel a bit entitled b/c of the affair...
OTOH, given the history/pattern, I'd certainly fear another affair and having TWO kids to raise alone. That would increase my fears of reconciling.
When you say she's "too focussed" on the baby, which you seem to recognize as an excuse, why won't you use her "mommy focus" as your excuse for feeling neglected and cheating on her again?
Surely denying her a second child will be a huge loss to her and will probably create resentment...AND if you do have a 2nd child, you can use her mommy focus as a reason for cheating.
Yikes...You both have some work to do.
But you only control you. And she's not posting here to save the marriage; you are.
And if you do have a 2nd child, you will have to stop needing to travel NOW and get all of her attention.
For most of us, a 2nd child means DELAYING some things Like travel...but travel does happen again and Europe and the islands will still be there. Is it your mortality that is edging up on you?
Regardless, if you don't want to grow old, alone, then
Just don't cheat as your solution. It hurts the mother of your children, and you are hurting too.
