The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

I wrote a whole entry and it is gone:( I will start again... I wanted to say that today was a total washout in more ways than one! Not only is the storm still raging (thank god we still have power) I also cried all day off and on. Tomorrow will be better..it has to be.

H is at OWs again tonight, and was texting us from there a lot today. I totally engaged and it went no where, as I said before. Tomorrow I am starting NC again..especially since he said that my girls and I were evil and he was done. He claims I have killed the relationship he had with them. I also got a text today that said "I had no self esteem when I met OW and now I do and you could have done better to help that" also said that "I am never coming back to you guys...ever" so I guess he is in his happy place at her house 5 mins down the street.

AS...I appreciate the 2x4...I realize that I did a wrong thing and there is no justification to it. I also realize that I tend to want to make H out to be the demon. Hard not to, but I know that I have a lot of blame as well. I have been working on things and myself..slowly but surely. I had a huge set back these past 2 days and feel like Im back to square one. I have a list going about myself..things to work on...things to change, things to eliminate...I trying!

Its so hard to stay on Db mode when H is screaming how done he is and how great OW is. I refuse any contact tomorrow and so forth...in fact, after the evil comment This is a eye opener that he is in no mode to talk to any of us. I hope one day he will regret his decision.

labug..I do have my girls in IC and I am planning on setting up some form of family counseling for all of us together. This cannot go on like this much longer where we are all arguing with H. Especially the girls. They are so hurt and Im scared that they will resent him forever for walking out on us. They really are resentful right now. Im sad they have had to endure this situation, but it doesnt look like its gonna get any better any time soon. The part about not working bugged me too...I have spent the past 14 years being a wife and mom...I hope that the courts see it this way too. There is no price for all of what I have done over the years. I never sat back and "chilled" as he texted to me.

So, H is there now with OW and it helps me to think that he must have some guilt...I hope. Its mean to say, but I want him to be sad for what he has done. Dont know if that will ever happen. I talk to MIL today and she said how sad she is of what is going on. She said that there was awhile when H was not seeing OW and I assume this is when he came back to me and asked to move back home. H tried to inititate ML that weekend. He didnt stay here , but came for the evening and wanted to hide out in the garage while kids were upstairs. I declined but this all makes total sense now. Because like a week later, he changed his mind about moving home and now I know its because she popped up in the picture again. I dont think I will ever be rid of her:( She lives so close that even if we did ever R, I would always worry about seeing her.

I beat myself up about not letting him back in and now, I know that it would have gone nowhere. He would have been back talking to her from our guest room:( Glad I made the conditions, although it seems that her back in the picture was the real reason he didnt really try like he wanted to. I hate her so much!

Do you think that the WAS has some guilt while with her, even if he says he is done? I cannot help but to hope that he is suffering some. I know that is mean, but honestly, I want him to suffer and be sad. I hate thinking he is happy. I am not a mean spirited person, but these past 2 days have really gotten to me...Its time for anger to set in instead of sadness.

I pray hard everynight that I will wake up happier and that he will be one step closer to realizing what he is giving up. I just want him and her to break it off so badly. Part of me has hope it wont last because of the numerous times they have broke it off, but another part of me says that she has no kids at home and no hubby, so they can live it up at her house whenever they want.

Is it normal to be okay if he doesnt come back, but to want that affair to end. She is the OW to me and I just want them to be done so bad...

I know I am just venting tonight...I am loving all my feedback because I know my friends and family are sick of hearing it all the time. I appreciate everyone who reads and comments to me!

TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER...IT HAS TO BE...