Still together but trying to save this

[PeteWyo]

I guess I just worry that if she doesn't find out the things I am doing to better myself she won't even consider getting back together as an option. Ultimately, I have come to accept that as a possible outcome and I know I will be ok either way. I just don't want to shut the door on the possibility by doing something wrong or shutting her out. I know her, and if she doesn't hear from me at some point she will just assume that there really is no going back and make no attempts to contact me any more, even if she ever really wanted to. She was never the person to initiate contact because she was afraid of what would happen, if people would like her. Hell, she didn't even really meet many of our neighbors because she is that afraid of it. She is not talking to any of the people that have seen the positive changes in my anxiety, including her sister. I guess, I don't need any more false hope and I certainly don't need to be second banana or be a door mat. I just don't want to miss an opportunity to tell her how well I am doing. She actively avoids contact with me and just sent an email saying I never respond to her. Which isn't actually true, but, I dunno. I'm torn.

[PeteWyo]

All the while, the OM will be telling her, "Well if he really cared about you, he would at least respond, right?" I'm not sure of the status of that whole thing either because she isn't around and she doesn't tell anyone what is going on. I guess I am just a little emotional right now after moving her things out yesterday. There is another load that needs to go at some point too, I just am sick of feeling so alone and helpless. I know I will be a better person either way, it is just hard, as you all know...

[MrBond]

"I guess I just worry that if she doesn't find out the things I am doing to better myself she won't even consider getting back together as an option."

She apologized to you. It sounds like it's something that she needs to go through to sort out her own thoughts and feelings. Didn't sound like she blames you at all.

In fact, it sounded like she wanted you to be "okay" with her decision and not judgemental. Regardless of what, it doesn't matter what she thinks.

You continue growing and improving your life. If you can outpace her in this aspect, it may serve as the beacon that draws her back.

[PeteWyo]

Listen, I agree with what you are saying. I guess I am just looking for a little more of an explanation as how me being perceived as a jerk is going to help in this situation. What would be the harm in responding to her her email by saying that I am better than ok? Wouldn't that let her know that I am moving on and that I am bettering myself? I'm not saying I'm right, just looking for a little clarification I guess.

[Denver_2010]

I guess I just worry that if she doesn't find out the things I am doing to better myself she won't even consider getting back together as an option. Ultimately, I have come to accept that as a possible outcome and I know I will be ok either way. I just don't want to shut the door on the possibility by doing something wrong or shutting her out. I know her, and if she doesn't hear from me at some point she will just assume that there really is no going back and make no attempts to contact me any more, even if she ever really wanted to. She was never the person to initiate contact because she was afraid of what would happen, if people would like her. Hell, she didn't even really meet many of our neighbors because she is that afraid of it. She is not talking to any of the people that have seen the positive changes in my anxiety, including her sister. I guess, I don't need any more false hope and I certainly don't need to be second banana or be a door mat. I just don't want to miss an opportunity to tell her how well I am doing. She actively avoids contact with me and just sent an email saying I never respond to her. Which isn't actually true, but, I dunno. I'm torn.

Bond is right. I COMPLETELY understand how you are feeling right now. Remember though, DB is counter intuitive. Our normal responses to these types of situations usually only end up making things worse.

Your initial, normal, response to her last text is to respond with "It's okay babe I forgive you... ". I think that you should do the opposite. Either don't reply at all as Bond suggests, or, short, concise response:

"Thank you. Talk to you soon."

Who cares what OM is telling her. It doesn't matter what you do, he is going to be working against you. If you say that you've changed, he's going to tell her that you are just saying that to get her back. If you don't respond, he's going to say that you would be fighting for her if you cared. It doesn't matter what you do. So put that out of your mind. Either your W will see through his b.s. or she won't.

There is no guarantee that what we are telling you will work. In fact, the odds are probably not good. That is reality. DB worked for me, and I happen to think that it gives you the best chance.

[PeteWyo]

There is no guarantee that what we are telling you will work. In fact, the odds are probably not good. That is reality. DB worked for me, and I happen to think that it gives you the best chance.

I know, I have accepted that. The most frustrating thing is that everything that she supposedly had issue with was such a misconception that she carried with her because she didn't confront or ask me about. This whole thing would have been so fixable and quite frankly still is. I know that is not the reason to take any action. Just venting I guess. I can air out my frustrations to you all I guess. Most days I am holding it together and detaching without much issue. Today is just a bad one for me I guess. I just needed some support. Thank you.

[PeteWyo]

Just got another email from her, "The storage unit is emptied out, please let me know when I can get the rest. Thanks again for doing all that."

Just an update since this is the only communication we have.

[Denver_2010]

There is no guarantee that what we are telling you will work. In fact, the odds are probably not good. That is reality. DB worked for me, and I happen to think that it gives you the best chance.

I know, I have accepted that. The most frustrating thing is that everything that she supposedly had issue with was such a misconception that she carried with her because she didn't confront or ask me about. This whole thing would have been so fixable and quite frankly still is. I know that is not the reason to take any action. Just venting I guess. I can air out my frustrations to you all I guess. Most days I am holding it together and detaching without much issue. Today is just a bad one for me I guess. I just needed some support. Thank you.

Your situation is not unique from others here. Most WAS's had misconceptions about the LBS that could have been fixed with the proper tools.

You are not going to be able to convince her of that right now. It's not going to happen until OM is out of the picture and she has taken some time to truly think about the situation.

The longer you put off an actual D, the better chance that you have of that happening.

I wouldn't respond to that last text that you got from her. Go dark on her now. Let's give it two weeks and see what happens. Then reassess.

In that time, GAL and try to find some happiness man. I know that it's hard. But you have to figure out how to do it on it your own right now.

[PeteWyo]

Fair enough. I'll do it, but I'm not going to like it... :b

[Denver_2010]

Fair enough. I'll do it, but I'm not going to like it... :b

LOL! But in all seriousness, what else are you going to do? The way that I see it, doing nothing right now is your only play.