Riding the Bull

[Arsene]

Well, here is the "summary" of today's intense convo.

I’m not quite sure how to write about today’s event in a way that would properly describe them, without going through lengthy explanations on the topic of metaphysics but I’ll try to make it as short and sweet as possible while keeping the story clear and easy to understand.

First, this morning was another immigration “date” with my W and when I picked her up at 9 am, I tried to be cheerful although I was a bit apprehensive due to the end of the previous evening. W looked cold and reserved as she arrived so I kept the conversation short and to the point and we left. I didn’t really want to get into a convo with her today anyway so it was fine with me that we were all business.

At immigration, again, all business and at one point, I asked her if she was ok, to which she replied she was, that it was nothing. Then a bit later, in the middle of filling in forms, she started telling me about how the night before, after leaving, she had gone to a jazz appreciation group which is based in the same housing complex where I am (3 minutes walk from my house) and of which she used to be an active member. She had told me before that she didn’t feel comfortable going there anymore because she felt judged and people asked too many questions. On arrival, apparently the lady in charge, who is usually a very kind and friendly lady, made a loaded comment about W not coming around anymore and this p1ssed W off. She went on to me about how people shouldn’t try to change others and get involved in what isn’t their business and be nosy and how she’s disappointed that the lady was like that. She seemed to have taken it really hard so I validated her feelings and listened until she was done. We did the immigration thing and then, as she had told me she was hungry, I told her I’d buy her breakfast to thank her for her help. So off we went.

By then her mood had improved a bit and she was a bit more pleasant. We got to a restaurant and ordered and then she started talking again about how she didn't understand why people always tried to interfere with others and how everybody seemed to make things harder for others and that life would be simpler if everyone didn’t make things more complicated for others. On this I told her I understood how she felt but I didn’t quite agree with it.

W asked me why not, and this was the start of a very interesting conversation on metaphysics, which both W and I had often talked about in the past and which both of us enjoyed thoroughly. In fact, when we met, we both had read “Conversation with God” by Neale Donald Walsh and it was a recurring topic of discussion between us in our early days. I started reading it again last week and much of what transpired in the discussion can be found within this book and within the Brahma Kumaris Rajyoga Meditation techniques which I am now studying.

The ideas discussed are nothing new and I even read about this on a thread on this site. It’ s the idea that our thoughts are creative and that what we are living through today has been created by ourselves through the process of our thoughts. Basically , you expect the worst and you get it, just because you expected it. This means that you can’t blame anyone for what is going on in your life since it’s your own creation. A new twist on the old “Reap what you sow” business. This means that if yesterday’s fears created today’s situation, then today we can choose what tomorrow will be by doing the right thing (and here I mentioned that she was probably apprehensive about going to the jazz club and that, based on this idea, she might have caused what actually happened – I also reminded her of something else which had happened when we were on our honeymoon which was related to this). By choosing the right “sponsoring” thought for who we want to be today. This is made known to us through our conscience or intellect. So basically, you can’t ignore it. Deep inside we all know what is the right thing to do in any given situation, we just start justifying why we shouldn’t do it, because we choose not to do it. And then we live through the consequences and start blaming others for our problems. That's the gist of what we talked about.

This was discussed in the form of a question/answer between W and I, and as we talked, I noticed that W’s was listening intensively and that her eyes were watering and she was discreetly trying to wipe her tears. It was a really good discussion, reminiscent of our early days together. At the end of the discussion, W thanked me for talking and listening to her. Her mood had changed, she was more upbeat and cheerful. On the way to hers, she even said she might want to come around to spend the night with D8 again tonight but told me she’d let me know later. And finally, for the first time since she moved to her present boarding house, she showed me where it was and let me drive her up to it. As she was walking away and I got ready to leave on my motorbike, she turned around, smiled, thanked me again and left.

3 hours later she updated her FB status to :”If your thoughts can create your present negative situation, they can also create a better situation for tomorrow” in the local language.

I just got home and D8 was very happy because W had called her to tell her she was picking her up to go to the pool with her. I was not informed but when she got here, she seemed cheerful enough. Not sure yet about her staying the night though.

I’m still not sure what to make of all of this and if it really is a step forward so I’m just going to keep it cool and not have any expectations. We have to go back to immigration again on Thursday so no way to minimize contact for the time being. I’ll just go with the flow for now.

[Arsene]

Just a quick update. W came back from the pool with D8 and we had a pleasant family dinner. Once d8 was in bed, I walked W to the gate to let her out. She asked me for some advice on how to act in a situation with one of her gigs (Owners left the country for a month telling her to keep going in every Saturday but left no instructions to staff about payment - now her musicians don't want to go in because they didn't get paid last time). I didn't really offer advice but I told her to follow her instinct and do what "she thought was the right thing to do" with a smile.

She then smiled and said:"By the way, thank you for the discussion this morning. It helped me a lot". I told her I thought I talked too much and she said: "No, not this time. It was really helpful. Thanks you so much."

I didn't ask for an explanation as I didn't think she was offering it but I simply said I was glad I could help.

Then she left on foot to meet her lift so I suspect OM was picking her up somewhere, but I'm not sure as she referred to it as "these guys are on the way".

[tori2012]

Arsene, this is definite progress. Open communication, positive attitude. Wow. Are you sure the OM was picking her up?

I think what you're doing is working out. Just remember to keep GALing...I know it's hard for you to meet people where you are, and you seem to be really focused on your sitch, which might prevent you from getting out more.

[Arsene]

Hey Tori,

Thanks. No, I'm not sure it was him but if she was doing "music" stuff, he's in her band so it's a possibility. And whenever, OM picks her up or drops her off, she's at least sensitive enough not to do it in front of my neighbours, or even in the complex (at least I think).
One time she got picked up by someone else (not OM) and he came to the house.

Yeah, I need to GAL big time now and focus on me for a while. You are right, I've been focused on my sitch a bit too much lately. I can feel it.

[afa75]

Glad you are doing better. You are handling things very well with seemingly good results.
Keep doing what works. 8)

[Arsene]

Thanks Afa, I do feel a lot better. It's like I missed a few days of last week. I tried to tell a friend about it and I couldn't get the days and events right. Really weird stuff mate. Glad I'm through it. The A/Ds probably haven't kicked in yet but It feels like they have. Maybe it's in the head.

[bustingout]

I am glad you are feeling better Arsene. :-)

I know i don't post a lot with a lot of 'insight' but i follow you and think of you and your family a lot.


I do relate to losing moments in time. When i think back over the past two years I literally can't remember days...just incidents. maybe its the mind protecting us for awhile...

:-)

[figure-it-out]

Good stuff Arsene! It sounds like you're feeling better and I think your time with W went pretty well. You thought about what you could be doing/saying prior to just jumping in. Definite progress. I'm proud of you!!

[Arsene]

Yeah, somehow it does feel right but now I end up second guessing myself that her "new found awakening" might just be justifying her staying with OM. Maybe she sees that as the "right" thing to do.

No, really. I'm just happy that she seems to be trusting me with her feelings and trusting my opinions again.

[25yearsmlc]

Well, that was quick. Within the hour they were back with 3 hamsters and a cage. D8 is delighted. That meant that we were now to spend the rest of the day together. I wasn't in the mood to be around W all day so I tried to give them space to be together and at one point went out in the back yard just to sit and meditate.

Just curious. Is any of this^^ behavior also something you two did in the past? Like you retreating and disconnecting from her and d8?


Within minutes W was there sitting by my side. We had a bit of idle chat and then it looked to me like W was pensive, and trying to say something. I eventually asked her if she was ok and she said she was but just a bit tired. Then D8 arrived and that was the end of that.

A few more instances occurred where I went to a different room to leave them and W would eventually come in where I was and sit and do small talk.

I listened and validated but nothing much was said as D8 ended up being around most of the time.

Sounds as if D8 likes feeling like part of a family.

Just before Bed time, I was talking to W and D8 at the dinning room table and W's phone kept going on (literally a text every 30 seconds), at one point, I looked at the phone on the table and W took it away, as if to hide it from my sight.

OR b/c she knows it's rude to keep getting texts when you're with someone in person. OR she saw your pained/irked expression and wanted it to go away...Might she have thought of THAT?

Look, You are mind reading negatively again, and it might not even be accurate. Why do you do this to yourself?

Plus it makes you look NOT so attractive. If you're wrong, you're inflicting pain on both of you AND even if it is OM, HE looks possessive texting that often. Rise above that!

IF you KNEW it was OM, I could see rolling your eyes or just leaving the room, or GENTLY but firmly asking her to "finish her business with him, BEFORE entering the family home"....but you don't know it!

Of course I immediately started thinking about OM and my mood changed. I had to leave.

SIGH...detach detach detach

I got changed and told D8 and W I was going to take a motorcycle ride to see if I could ride to work tomorrow. Unfortunately, my tone was cold towards W and I'm sure she noticed.

Do you see the risk You are taking if it's not OM? And for her to notice the "cold tone", do you mean to say you were rude to her or angry?

How do you see yourself as being the better man, by being angry/cold to her?

I'm NOT saying "don't set a boundary" but I am saying to know what you're talking about AND

make sure your choice makes you look strong and dignfied, not petty or vindictive.

Not always easy to find that fine line Arsene, believe me, I know.


She was nonetheless pleasant and I caught myself on the way out and cheerfully told them both to have a good time and told W I'd see her in the morning for immigration.

I'm now thinking it might be a good time to set a boundary about her receiving texts from OM in our home when we are together. Or at least about her use of her phone while with us.

...UM.....MAYBE you can ask her what she wants to teach D8 about conversational skills, (which are learned from parents mostly)


OR just ask if "it's something that important AND PRIVATE that she needs YOU TWO to leave?" (I sort of love that idea)

OR can she handle it before entering the "family home"...

but so you know, the texting probably isn't an issue to d8 if she's even aware of it, so this is really about YOU and that will show through if you don't handle it calmly.

BTW It can look controlling as heck for OM to keep on calling. You COULD come out smelling like a rose and be the better man if you handle this right.

She's probably embarrassed by the frequency of OM's calls b/c there's only 3 explanations for that many calls.

Either they were having a conversation that could wait (if it was about a gig, that would only take a few minutes)

OR he was constantly contacting her b/c of a fight

AND OR b/c he knew where she was, which is a sign of HIS insecurity, to me.

Don't match his possessiveness, if you get my point. I mean, to me it sounds high schoolish of him.

Maybe some other men around here can help you word it in a way that makes you seem strong and confident, but not angry or weak/hurt....

Maybe even ask her to just turn the cell off WHILE she's talking so she isn't interrupted during d8's time with her.

ANOTHER option and thing to do regardless, is for YOU to turn your cell off in front of her "since she's there in person" and you want to teach d8 about conversational skills and how to listen,

OTOH

"Setting a boundary" seems like it's usually for more significant things like issues about D8)...hmmm. This is really all about how it makes YOU feel, which is not a thing detached folks notice so much.

I go both ways on this. It's Not that clear to me.

I'm not sure. All I know is that this affected me and I'm not even sure it's OM. Just a feeling based on their texting habits I've noticed in the past.


DETACH!!! Like you said, you don't even know it's OM. Could be a sibling or friend or job arrangement.


Also, it really felt like she wanted to talk but didn't know how to say what she wanted to say. I'll see how she is in the morning at immigration.

Did you always "communicate" this way with each other? So much mind reading and guesswork. I know it's partly cultural and partly b/c of your temper issues in the past, but you've been together awhile now and she's seeing you being CALM, (right?)

Make sure she feels safe enough to talk to you. You clearly need to hear it and she needs to say it'

or you're creating all this out of nothing much. So, back off. Detach/GAL.

If it's important enough AND if she's sure enough of what she wants to say, she'll speak to you.

ALL you can do is make it clear you can handle what she says and are available to listen. (And do handle it)


So much easier to just SPEAK/LISTEN...albeit calmly and without judgement...but no more guessing games.

Good luck buddy.