Thanks for your response AS. Great timing as well. W called a few minutes ago to ask if I could swing over to the house and grab some card board from the rafters in our garage for her. I said I would call when I got done with work. She has not had the chance to see my 180's in action until yesterday. I think today could be another chance to show my 180's. It's tough though, knowing that her and the OM went out for a romantic dinner then stayed at a hotel. I received a little info from a mutual friend on that one. She has been at this game for over a year not with the same OM (EA last year for 2 months) and lied straight to my face about what she did Saturday night. I am beginning to weigh my options as far as filing for divorce. I don't see any effort or change on the horizon and I am getting tired!
AS has it right. However, I'm not so certain that you need a long period of showing your W your 180's. Her complaints were about things that were not all that bad. Fairly typical stuff IMO. Mine, on the other hand, were much worse.
It is typical Plan A and Plan B stuff here. For reference purposes, the Plan A/B strategy is from a book called Surviving the Affair.
Plan A - is basically being her friend, showing her 180's, opening avenues of communication, allowing the cheating spouse to go about their delusions without calling them out... being Mr. Nice Guy really.
Plan B - Is essentially LRT. You cut off most, if not all, contact. You set and enforce boundaries.
Check out the book if you want to learn more about that.
Essentially AS is right about LRT... that it calls for you to actually be done. He is right about where I got with it. I was DONE and told my W that I wanted a D. I got the paperwork completed, but never actually filed.
HOWEVER, I do think that LRT can be done without being DONE, or reaching that point. In fact, I think that it is essential that you give it a shot BEFORE you reach that point where you might be the one that ends the M.
If you look at my story, you will see that I applied LRT on a number of occasions.
At some point BD, you are going to have to do this. How do you do it?
1. Explain to your W, ONE TIME, that you love her and that you continue to want the M. That you believe that it can be saved, and that you and she can have a great M. Not average. Great. Much better than before. ONE TIME.
2. Explain to her that you cannot be a part of her life as long as OM is.
- that you will NO LONGER be an active part of her life until OM is completely out of the picture.
- That you don't want to have contact with her unless it has to do with "Bills or Boys" (coined by Jack3beans)... ie, finances or kids.
"W, I will not be a part of your life as long as any OM is. Unless, and until, that aspect of your life changes, I don't want any contact with you unless it has to do with [kid] or our bills. I appreciate you understanding."
* THIS is your BOUNDARY
3. Enforce the boundary by ending all non financial/kid related contact. Respond to your W's attempts to get around with short, concise, business like, but polite, responses to any contact.
- If she complains or gets p!ssed, don't be surprised. Respond that by maintaining your cool and politely reminding her what your boundary is.
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This CAN be done without being DONE. Get it? It can be done without filing for a D.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
