Husband (unfaithful) just told me he wants out.

[AnotherStander]

1) Is this normal? Why do they behave angry and like we're to be completely avoided? If you're angry and you've decided you want to leave me, what is there to be angry about?

It's not uncommon. I can tell you that my W actually did start treating me like trash for a few days, then came to me and said she just couldn't do it, that I didn't deserve it. I asked her why she thought she should treat me that way and she said it was because she thought it would be easier for me to get over her.

2) How do I detach with love when I can't even say hi without a weird reaction? I'm trying to detach from his behavior by not responding to it at all, but am I supposed to be acting like he's not there at all? That seems like stooping to his level.

You don't have to act like he's not there, but just don't get caught up in his storm. To use the lighthouse analogy, you're the lighthouse built on rock- solid and immovable. He's the storm and the raging seas. He's all over the place, you're the beacon of safety. He rants and raves, you tell him you'll talk about it later when he's calm. He reaches out to talk about his feelings, you be a great listener. He treats you bad, you walk away. That's loving detachment, you're there when he needs you, but you're detached when he's storming.

3) For your own sanity, how do / did you guys need to view your spouses when they were behaving unlike themselves and said they were leaving you?

My W hasn't gone MLC crazy like others I've read about, so I can't really respond well to this. All I can say is while she was home I did not even try to detach, I concentrated on showing her 180's and 5LL. When she left I felt like I had shown her enough such that I could detach.

4) What is acting as if? Does that mean acting as if things are normal, or acting as if you're happy, or what?

It means acting as if your life will be fine with or without your spouse. It doesn't mean acting like things are normal, but more like acting like his craziness is not going to affect your contentment in life. It's showing him that your contentment and PMA are not dependent upon his mood. It's these:

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

5) How do you know if your spouse is in a MLC or just "fell out of love"?

This isn't easy. There are plenty of shades of grey. The best you can do is read the tons of info on the MLC forum here and see if it sounds familiar. But keep in mind that most WAS's also exhibit at least a few MLC characteristics.

6) I feel like in some ways, I'm mostly to blame for what's happening.

A portion of DB'ing is accepting your part in the failure of the marriage, determining what you did to contribute to it and doing 180's on those things. But keep in mind that while you are partially to blame for the marriage problems, you are NOT to blame for the destruction of the marriage if your spouse did not approach you previously about the perceived problems. The WAS deserves 100% of the blame in that case. Frequently they do nothing to save the M, they just walk away because "they're done". So that fault lies with them.

7) Is it normal sometimes to vacillate between long moments or days of feeling like I'm totally fine and ok and peaceful about this, almost like it isn't happening - and then having moments of feeling nothing for this person?

When we lose our M we go through a grieving process similar to losing a loved one. We cycle through all kinds of emotions in no particular order. Eventually we come to acceptance, but it takes different amounts of time for different people. Best case scenario is months though.

I feel like nothing I do right now makes any difference. I know it's only been about a week and a half, but I feel like I'm putting up with something.

You're right, that's not long enough to see results. It'll take months before you even start to see baby steps, and they'll be so small you may not even notice them at first. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

[25yearsmlc]

I've been DBing and DBing, yesterday I said hi when I saw him and he barely responded. His mood is still completely dark and his face was contorted, I don't know how else to describe it! Then I thought maybe I should ignore him completely.

why? B/C you think your one moment of effort (which was a one word greeting) did not yield an immediate positive response?

BG, you have to stop using one minute "efforts" as tests. He didn't snarl at you, and I suspect your comment took him off guard b/c you've been giving him the silent treatment for some time now. Be polite b/c it's the right thing to do. Let it please YOU to be polite. Doesn't matter if it changes HIM, it matters that YOU engaged in a new behavior. IT's for YOU...make sense?

Today when he came inside I made a quick comment that there's food here if he wants it. He didn't even respond to me. I didn't say a word about it but it hurt a lot. I'm wondering a few things.

your EXPECTATIONS are hurting you. So what if he remained silent?

Why is that so hurtful GIVEN that you two have been fighting BADLY

and for such a long time and

recently, you were both silent to each other? What were you expecting/hoping for? Lose the expectations. Seriously, you'll see that phrase a lot around here. Expectations are YOURS and they're not his AND he's not a mind reader anyhow...

AND you are not really empathizing with his position well enough to see objectively how damaged and hurt HE is....

Again- I'll remind you that the changes you are making are for YOU to know you've made changes. The changes are not all about GETTING HIM TO DO x and y...that'd just be a tactical effort to control him.

Do you see the difference between you changing something in you to become a better you, VERSUS behaving differently to manipulate him into doing what you want him to do?

When he sees a modest change in your behavior (I ASSUME a one word greeting is a modest change and not radically better b/c it's not a lot...)

Don't you think HE will assume that it's the latter and not trust it yet?

Of course he's not sure what to do when you seem "polite" out of the blue.

(Sorry, but I can't quite muster up the energy to say it was "kind & generous" of you to tell him that there's food "if he wants it"...but hey, I know you're hurt and at least you spoke to him)


1) Is this normal? Why do they behave angry and like we're to be completely avoided? If you're angry and you've decided you want to leave me, what is there to be angry about?

You don't think he has the right to be angry at you for saying the things you said to him? You think his choice to leave, which he has NOT done yet, was easy and that's he at peace with it? Maybe in a few years he will be, but not anytime soon. AND fwiw,

Let me tell you what my 26 y/o son told his now ex girlfriend a few days ago (and this woman was "THE ONE" he was going to propose to at Christmas. He still loves her deeply.) She admits she has a temper. Just b/c he's a strapping young succesful man, does not mean he's immune to having his feelings hurt. So They had a big fight last week, and she admits she "lost it" and said some terrible things to him that she "didn't mean"...

He told her at the time "you can't tell someone those things and think they'll stay." He's been too hurt, too many times to trust that it won't happen again.
So he's leaving her. That saddens him (and me) b/c otherwise they're very well suited for each other. They were very much in love and have a lot in common.

I suggested the workshop EE for them last summer and they almost went, but their schedules prevented it. NOW she wants to attend in the spring...but it's too late for my son to want to try again. I truly believe she needs to change her behaviors in ways that weekly sessions in therapy won't change OR they would have by now (b/c she has seen a T whom she likes a lot, for over 19 months)


2) How do I detach with love when I can't even say hi without a weird reaction?

B/c DETACHING MEANS HIS REACTION IS IRRELEVANT...HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM... I will attach a short piece on detachment at the end of this post or in the next one. You need to read about detachment in the books AND around this site. There are many good posts on that topic.


I'm trying to detach from his behavior by not responding to it at all, but am I supposed to be acting like he's not there at all? That seems like stooping to his level.

No, you act as if you are an upbeat positive person looking forward to whatever you've got planned for that day/evening and a happy future too. You're content inwardly and project it regardless of what reaction you might get. Who cares?

It's not as if his day's activities affect yours. IF his boss snarls at him at his job, is YOUR WORKDAY ruined? No...it's a separate event. You are not "glad" his boss snarled at him, b/c you are not mean, but it's not part of your day or YOUR View of life or your day.

ALL of this will be much easier when you GAL.


3) For your own sanity, how do / did you guys need to view your spouses when they were behaving unlike themselves and said they were leaving you? If they're not currently acting anything like the people you know, yet you're still married to them and (sort of) living with them - do you try and just view them as a sick friend?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes I realized I had hurt him deeply and that men usually deal with pain, by lashing out in anger OR being passive aggressive. But in time I learned not to let HIS mood dictate what MY DAY would be like.

I decided I was exclusively in charge of MY LIFE & MY HAPPINESS and I wish I'd realized that a lot earlier.

4) What is acting as if? Does that mean acting as if things are normal, or acting as if you're happy, or what?

Sometimes it means being happy but it varies SO See the books about that, by checking the index and looking at the muliple references. For instance, IN Div Remedy, page 111 starts & mentions how negative expectations of what might happen or how our spouses will react, can lead us to pre-emptively act negatively or defensively...or send out subtle signals that bring about the very results we feared... here's a quote:

"When you expect failure & feel defeated before you approach a challenging situation; it's helpful to ask yourself how you would handle the situation differently if you were expecting a positive outcome. How might your approach to your partner if you thought he would respond lovingly? Once you identify how your actions would differ under these circumstances, 'act as if'; pretend as if you expect good things to happen and watch what happens." p 111

MWD then gives an example of how this works right on the end of that page and onto the next so check it out.

P152 another example of a slightly different form of "acting as if"...

"a spouse can say "I'm done" and really IS done,...or changes his mind OR never really meant it so it's hard to know what those words mean. TIME will tell but in the meantime, you can

see what else the book says like "Act as if you believe your marriage still has possibilities"..."keep practicing the techniques"...and more.

When you first begin making changes, understand that your spouse will not trust those changes. But the same holds true for YOU -which could mean that if he were to be nice to YOU, you might not react very positively b/c you'd interpret it as a negative or suspicious behavior, which is probably how HE felt when you uttered the one word greeting and the info about food if he wants it.

So now, knowing what you do, IF HE DOES act kind or reaches out,

you don't have to lap it up eagerly and pretend all is well or pursue him,

but you CAN act as if he's sincere.



5) How do you know if your spouse is in a MLC or just "fell out of love"?

Or a reasonable & protective response one has, when one is repeatedly hurt?
The answer is
You don't know until enough time passes.

And it isn't that relevant b/c YOUR Course of action is the same anyhow.

So it's not something to spend energy on diagnosing. Besides, searching for answers in HIM, takes away from your own personal work on YOU -where your focus should be-

and...he may not have the answers himself anyhow.


6) I feel like in some ways, I'm mostly to blame for what's happening.

have you told him this? If you do, just say it without expecting ANY response from him that "evens it out" or lets you off the hook. In fact you may want to write it down so he knows you aren't saying it for any reason other than showing your own self awareness. Of course, if your behavior doesn't change to match your "realization" then the words will be meaningless.

Again, do NOT expect or want him to respond in kind. This is not about the scorecard or "blame apportionment" or what you want to "assess" as yours or his.

IT's about YOU owning YOUR part in it, and working on yourself without ANY thought to what he "should" work on...do you get this?


While I know that can't be completely true,

why can't it be completely true that you were "mostly" to blame? You did not say "fully to blame for all", just "mostly"...

and it does NOT have to be "completely" true.

My point here is that Your wording suggests a deep need to avoid taking on an ounce more of ownership than is demanded, and I just want you to see that it's NOT about being right'

it's about being happy.

Don't be so afraid to look within. There isn't a monster inside even if the behavior were sometimes pretty damn bad--

maybe there's a fear based woman who never saw forgiveness growing up,
so she can't imagine admitting her faults AND being loved anyhow...and
who needs to learn about how to love in a healthier way.

WHen our mc's (and I mean ALL THREE) told my h that he was "acting selfish" or "behaving like a single man" it made me feel "right."

It also changed nothing.

My h kept on his journey despite their words- and sometimes blamed me for "brainwashing" them b/c I "speak well".

So what was I supposed to DO with the "verdict" of ME being "right"?

NOTHING, so it's as if I was "right - but powerless."

The more useful diagnosis would have been "25, you have some stuff YOU can work on"

and only when I got to DB and found a solution based mc, did that begin.

It's so empowering to know I have things to work on so I DO HAVE SOME control in the situation. The more it's about ME, the more I can change things...

Do you see what I mean?

Stop scorekeeping long enough so you stare at yourself and be grateful if there is a lot to work on, IN THE SENSE that it means you are not powerless.

I know no one wants to hear about their flaws, and how they may have cost them a marriage. That hurts A LOT. It takes a brave person to face their demons AND work on them....

But I think it's actually worse to hear that you were perfect---not a thing should be changed--
AND YET HE LEFT ANYHOW...


b/c then what is ever going to make you feel safe to love again?


I wonder if there are others of you who were able to eventually regain your marriages - yet you knew you were not a perfect spouse either? I guess what I'm getting at is, do they sometimes give us a second chance?

Yes. Otherwise no one would reconcile.

The key is that

for a WAS to return,

they must believe that marriage to you now,

& from this day forward,

could be better/different than before.

YOU have to DEMONSTRATE that by behavioral changes in YOU. (Not promises...but actions...and not with an eye to when HE will make his changes.)

Fair or not, it's the LBSer who makes the first change and takes the first step...and the 2nd step and the next 100 and THEN assess their needs... (And this means no matter what else happens, the LBSer is a better person for this ordeal. THAT MATTERS....b/c the next r they'll be in, with their spouse or someone else, will be better and healthier and happier)

7) Is it normal sometimes to vacillate between long moments or days of feeling like I'm totally fine and ok and peaceful about this, almost like it isn't happening - and then having moments of feeling nothing for this person? It's almost like complete contentment and then being numb about them. As if it's happening and I'm not a part of it.


That's why we call it a rollercoaster. You'll have moments and even days of clarity and peace and then fall down on your face and want to lay in the fetal position. If you "work the program" you will find that the good days get longer and more frequent, with longer periods before the next bad one...and we try to see what helps and do more of that and what hurts and do less or none of that.

DB 101, do more of what helps the m, and less/none of what hurts it.

Not about rehashing the past or talking about our childhood traumas and blah blah blah (that stuff DOES have a place in therapy, but does NOT help us TODAY

to work on our marital relationships. Sometimes the rehashing hurts us more than it helps.

Did you look up Retrovaille the marriage retreat weekend? Did you look up Essential Experience for an individual program YOU can attend?

I feel like nothing I do right now makes any difference. I know it's only been about a week and a half, but I feel like I'm putting up with something.

well maybe DBing is not for you. It does say up front you must be patient.

Check out MY timeline in my signature block and tell me if you would rather quit now and learn nothing

but know that quitting that fast isn't just a bad choice b/c you learned nothing, it's also NOT going to make you feel better.

If the time comes when YOU KNOW in your heart of hearts you've made the changes you wanted and needed to make, and over sufficient time, but maybe it was too late and OR maybe he just can't get past the pain of the past, THEN you can assess your course of action.

Patience is mandatory and it seems you have very little.

I mean, a week and a half? That's not something I can relate to or take seriously. No offense, but the thing is,

If I see it as the effort of a teenager in a high school relationship, how does your h view it?

You gave him a one word greeting ONCE, and felt angry he didn't return it... and a neutral sentence in the next interaction did not yield an answer so you want to...what? Divorce him? B/c he didn't jump at those "risky moves" of yours? So then you to want to quit or ignore him...or divorce...I mean,

Good grief. Give a new behavior a chance before you monitor for results.

BG, you said you read the DB books...Which one(s)? Hey, You read it For real? Honey you need to read them again and again til this stuff sinks in better.


Aside from doing my DBing and GAL, how do I set boundaries without being cold myself?

If you are DBing and GAL correctly, you won't be cold. You'll feel good about yourself and your future.

And what boundaries are you talking about? And finally, you're putting the cart before the horse.

Begin actually DBing, consistently, and GAL ASAP and then tell us specifically what you mean by setting a boundary. Then we'll be able to help better.

Just curious, were you married before? Was he? IF so, what happened in those marriages?

Do either of you want or have children?


I want to keep centered, but I don't understand how someone not only decides to leave, but becomes cold and distant for weeks on end.

[color:#CC0000]
Usually it's b/c they feel hurt and are protecting themselves so they do a colder form of detachment...You already admit you've been very hard on him and yet you think a week and a half of "decent" behavior should undo all that? That's not reasonable or fair and frankly, it seems a bit immature from where I sit.

Another possibility is it's b/c they want out and they are shutting out mixed emotions (like good memories) so they can keep their negative images active to justify leaving.

The LBSer's job then, is to NOT FUEL THE NEGATIVES...counter his negative images of you with positives and do it "for weeks on end" before you allow yourself to even wonder if it's working.

Be your best self over time. It's great practice. If you make a nice dinner and he eats it but says nothing, so what? He ate it. At some point, weeks from now, you can assess the value/reward of your efforts...but you are a grown up woman who wants a Marriage to succeed and who owns at least part of why it's in trouble in the first place... [/color]

This isn't to say that I'm abandoning the work I have to do on me. I'm doing that no matter what. I don't want to be that girl anymore - with or without him. I think I just need some strength. This is so odd and foreign to me.

which parts are foreign? The self work or his behavior or both?

In any case most of this is brand new for all of us. But we adapt. And you can too....

Here's one key ingredient that ALL LBSers say helped them reconcile...

we all looked within and changed US, and we did it "no matter what" the WAS was doing/thinking/saying...

b/c we did see flaws we wanted to work on and that's also b/c we wanted to know in our next relationship (with or without our present spouses)

we'd do things differently. Hang in there!

[Bestgal]

Ahh yes. The truth is not always pretty! But once again I thank you for your honest opinion and truth, 25yearsmlc.

I do have expectations, and I'd like to change that. I'm working on it! Admittedly I'm very impatient at times, I get weak and a little annoyed that he's not reciprocating. Ugh it's like lesson after lesson! Luckily he had no idea I felt that way. And yes, a week and a half is almost no time at all. Sigh.

Did you look up Retrovaille the marriage retreat weekend? Did you look up Essential Experience for an individual program YOU can attend?

I did look up both. The Retrovaille I gather is for both people, right? So at this point I'm solo - if he comes back, maybe he'd be open to it. I saw the EE is in PA. I'd like to go to that alone, but finances being what they are, I'd like to find one local if possible.

Begin actually DBing, consistently, and GAL ASAP and then tell us specifically what you mean by setting a boundary. Then we'll be able to help better.

Just curious, were you married before? Was he? IF so, what happened in those marriages?

Do either of you want or have children?

I'm happy to say at the least I am GAL - I've made consistent plans at least 3-4 nights per week last week and this week. Tonight I'm going to meet up with some women in my area. Tomorrow and Wed I'm booked too.

Neither of us were married before. We married kind of late, but felt it was right. I still do, despite all of the craziness right now.

One other positive note I'd like to end on: he did reach out again earlier, so see if I wanted to hold our reptile again. I was happy about it, and it was a nice few minutes, and the most we've spoken in over a week. I took it for what it was, (I don't know what it was!) and went back to work.

[Bestgal]

Thank you, AnotherStander, for those responses. I love the lighthouse analogy. And it helps a lot to know others feel and have felt similar. I have to keep remembering this didn't happen overnight, it was cumulative. So it's not going to just improve overnight either.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you, AnotherStander, for those responses. I love the lighthouse analogy. And it helps a lot to know others feel and have felt similar. I have to keep remembering this didn't happen overnight, it was cumulative. So it's not going to just improve overnight either.

exactly...

Retrovaille IS for couples only. It's for marriages in crisis, but it has a high success rate, considering. It's not as religious as some folks think (if that's an issue for your h b/c some people have issues with organized religion).

NO ONE talked about being Catholic at ours, and my h isn't Catholic anyhow. Plus, they have retreats for other denominations and mixed marriages too, but I doubt there are as many.

BTW It was founded by some Catholics in French Canada. "Retrovaille" means to "rediscover" (or "revisit".)

In my opinion, if you can get him there, for any reason, do so. There are "team couples" there who tell their stories and their marriage problems, and trust me, no matter what, THEIR Problems will make yours pale in comparison.

(They had children pass away, and or substance abuse problems, and or affairs, out of wedlock children, ETC)

And yet, here they were a few years later, telling us "Yes, it's worth it to work on the marriage."


Essential Experience is at present only offered on the east coast. (Their "grad" courses are offered on the west coast.)

Since I already know the value of that workshop AND what your issues specifically are, all I can say is there's nothing more worthy of spending your money on, (unless you need an organ transplant).

Hey, it's life changing and the most profound experience I've had like that. I'm not being overly dramatic either. It's like 3 years of therapy in one long weekend. More "efficient" - more noticeable and more effective. It's also tax deductible and we worked it out and realized it was about half or a third the cost of marriage counselling.

Not to take anything away from Retrovaille, but that's for couples whereas EE is for all the stuff life throws at you. It helps A LOT with marriages of course. But if your marriage is ending then it's even more needed.


NavyGuy and AutumnLeaves and Inshock (all DB ers) have attended it so you can ask them what they got out of it. There are some other DBers who are going in February or April, but it's probably best to keep it "anonymous" even though we sort of are now...

Also - for EE the other good news is that they provide the housing if you need it, so all you have to do is get there and not worry about a lot of added expenses. (Also, the tuition is about what it was when I attended in 1989...so, that is not bad.)

I don't want to bash other workshops b/c most people get "Something" out of looking at their lives for a few uninterrupted days, but I've gone to many in which recruitment is too emphasized. (Landmark is one) They work it too much like a business, when it ought to be about changing our lives and communities in the process. For instance, They'll keep pushing you to take another class, and the push you to get your friends to go.


ANYHOW, enough said. You'll get there if it's important.

So is the "reptile" thing a pet you have?

Oh and neither of you wants to have kids, correct? Was that ever an issue of contention?

Are your families nearby? Are they supportive?

What Did forgiveness look like when you were growing up? What was your parent's marriage like, and what was your h's parent's m like?

Sometimes we have to release some of what we "inherited" from our parents....if it's not helping us. (You'll be able to do that at EE btw)

Good luck BG.

[25yearsmlc]

here's the piece on Detachment that I wanted to post.


This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded, and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.


We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


hope it helps

[Bestgal]

Retrovaille IS for couples only. It's for marriages in crisis, but it has a high success rate, considering. It's not as religious as some folks think (if that's an issue for your h b/c some people have issues with organized religion).

My h is anti religion, but I think there are workarounds for attending this kind of thing. I would love to.

Also - for EE the other good news is that they provide the housing if you need it, so all you have to do is get there and not worry about a lot of added expenses. (Also, the tuition is about what it was when I attended in 1989...so, that is not bad.)

That does help - I'll look into it again.

So is the "reptile" thing a pet you have?

Yes it's a snake we have, and he's so cute. He looks like a little baby.

Oh and neither of you wants to have kids, correct? Was that ever an issue of contention?

We both actually wanted kids, but for some reason it didn't seem to happen. I would still love to have kids, although my body may not agree, I don't know. My benefits just kicked in, so that was tops on my list to do - go to a doctor about it.

Are your families nearby? Are they supportive?

His family is out of the country, and mine are on the east coast. Both families are very supportive, although I rely on mine a lot more. He tends toward working most things out alone, occasionally (once that I know of years ago) he spoke to his older brother about us.

What Did forgiveness look like when you were growing up? What was your parent's marriage like, and what was your h's parent's m like?

In my house forgiveness was not something that was really talked about. Flaring tempers were normal, or stuffing everything and acting like there was nothing wrong. A lot was going on "under the surface" for everyone. Most of my brothers were in trouble in one sort or another, prison, fighting, etc.

My h had more of a normal household from what I could tell. I don't know how they viewed forgiveness, but they're all very close to this day, so I suppose something is working. They're an awesome bunch.

My parents were never married. My Dad had a wife and lived with my brother and I and my mom when he wasn't with his wife and daughter, I suppose. I didn't know this until I was a teen. We only saw him every so often. He died when I was small. My mother did marry my stepdad and they were married 25 years or so. She passed away in 97. Their relationship started out very rocky, (yelling, fighting, no violence though) and then became very loving and admirable over the years (she became a psychoanalyst). They went through a lot. He was there for her every minute when she was sick up until she passed.

My h's parents have been married forever it seems like. I think they just celebrated 50 years. All of his brothers and sisters are also still married to their first loves. I don't know why we're so tumultuous in comparison! Well, I kind of do. I think his parents had one incident where his mom left his dad, or was about to due to his drinking. But I think he stopped, and she stayed. They're a very cute couple and we spent some time with them last summer. They love me and vice versa!

Sometimes we have to release some of what we "inherited" from our parents....if it's not helping us. (You'll be able to do that at EE btw)

Good luck BG.

[/quote]

I think that's a very good idea. I hope to learn how to do that. I'm ready! Thank you for sharing your insights with me....

[Bestgal]

So I haven't posted in a couple of days...I'm DBing all I can, I started to read DR again and I'm going out tonight to be social. Things have gotten better, small changes as Michelle talks about. Due to some construction that was happening this morning here my H needed to sleep inside (first time in weeks). So he stayed on the couch. This morning we joked around a little. It's weird but a lot nicer than it was. I'm just taking things the way they are, not reading into things too much and being nice. This is tough sometimes, I feel sort of like I'm someone else! But what I like very much is keeping my anger in check. It's very empowering. Over all I have to say I like DBing. I still don't know what's going to happen, but for what it's worth we're much nicer to each other than we were. And I'm grateful. The ring is still somewhere in the living room, but what can you do? I'm alive. I'm very fortunate to have you guys, thank you so much for "listening". I'm hoping for the best, and GAL either way!

[Bestgal]

I can't help but feel like this is still the weirdest thing in the world. I'm grateful that my H and I are on pleasant terms now, but I still feel like I'm suddenly cast into this friend zone with him and simply need to adapt to it, or nothing. It's unreal. He's making the effort to speak to me, and I am being receptive and kind, and continuing to be nice and not react, not ask questions about the M or anything related to us. It's funny because sometimes he refers to things that are a month or two from now, like a change to our house or something. Then in other moments I'm speaking to him and I don't see that in love look he had just 2 weeks ago! I know changes take time, and they come slowly. I'm also trying to see things from his perspective. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that this is extremely painful and uncomfortable. It's not like he's out late or anything, and I know it's not supposed to be my business right now what he does. But I can't help but feel like I got replaced - with pot, or his friend he hangs out with, or whatever else he's currently wrapped up in. It's like he unplugged from me and just shut off his feelings. I just don't get the sudden flatlining. He seems kind of down and introspective. I know, don't focus on him! This is the best I can do today, jot it down here, keep DBing and refocus on what I need to do for me.

One more thing: I'm sure others feel and have felt this way too - but I feel so vulnerable next to him. It's like we're having this light conversation and making small talk about this and that (that I'm grateful for, seriously!) but in my mind I'm thinking WTH - is this happening? It's like someone deleted all the romantic memories out of his mind and plopped him back in front of me to have a cordial conversation like nothing happened.

Sorry, I just needed to!

[Bestgal]

Just checking in to update / journal. I don't even know what to call this. My H could be in a holding pattern, or he may be confused, he may be plotting to leave at some point soon, or he may not. Is it normal to just wait it out and let the chips fall where they may as I DB, 180 and GAL? Sometimes I just don't understand this process. I don't even know if he's in MLC or just doesn't want to be with me anymore, or both or neither. The lack of clarity is what's driving me crazy. You wouldn't know it though, I'm pretty calm and letting him do his thing as I try to recover myself and keep moving forward.

The last couple of days have been up and down with us. I've been detaching and GAL, and he's been pretty kind, although fairly distant and detached. The other morning we talked a little for the first time, and he started sleeping inside for a couple of nights (on the couch). Now he's back to sleeping outside again. I went out with a friend one night, and when I came back he was asleep - he's been getting stoned every night and just in his own world. Since that night he's back sleeping in his truck. I do catch him looking at me or watching me out of the corner of my eye, and he does little things like if I leave the house, he leaves the house. If I do something nice, he does a nice gesture. (yesterday he folded my laundry). So there are some small positives...

Since we were talking a little one morning, I asked him if he was making breakfast and he did (I was half joking!) I made us lunch later. But it's still been awkward, mainly eating in silence with breaks of small talk. He's receptive to talking a little, but it's overall very quiet between us. We say hi every morning but I this feels weird to me. I feel like there are things he's probably thinking and feeling that may or may not have anything to do with me, and it bothers me that I can't help him. I'm leaving it all alone of course, but I just wish I could have my husband back. I just saw him a few minutes ago and he's already stoned out of his mind.

I'm not going to stop taking care of myself, but is there anything else I should be doing? I don't know or understand how a previously married couple just becomes platonic housemates.

Can someone give me insight into their situation - did this change at all or do you just stay quiet, acting like you don't know each other until someone gives up and a) either moves out, b) decides to talk, or c) until they possibly come around?