I emailed this to my H to day.... My journal entry.... Paul is at work after staying away since the 27th...he came back from his trip on the 9th he told me last night...but did not say where he stayed between the 9th and the 13th when he went back to work.
He says he is filing for a divorce, after ten years of living in constant conflict with me ...he can take no more. His mind is made up. He hates me.
He wants peace like he just had while he was away from me...except for the emails his sister got from me...he enjoyed being away from me and had a great time. He is better off without me.
I thought I was over him, too...but I am devastated. I went right back to pursuing and begging and pleading. I have an offer to go to stay at a house that will be empty for a few weeks. Need to find out if it has a computer. Do have a book that I should try to work on. Desperately need the money. Not that it is enough to make much of a difference in my life now. Don't care about being poor...care about losing Paul and losing Dillon...all that I love...gone. Gone, because my meds weren't right and the Radfords were screwing with us again. If only Paul could see that and try to work with me. I know that the doc will help tomorrow. I know that I can leave Paul alone to think and have time to himself on the slope if only my meds get fixed. I just have so little control of my emotions and impulses right now. I wish Paul understood. I love him so much.
I tried to explain that my medication was screwed up and I even took on the blame for everything that went wrong over the holiday season. I was in short pathetic. My self esteem is now at a record low and I am so depressed I can not stand it. I know that when I get my meds adjusted things will get better again, but Paul doesn't believe that and I can't blame him...how much patience should one person be expected to have with me? I know that I thought he loved me completely...but he hates me.
I have destroyed whatever chance there was at piecing my marriage back together. He hates me and I don't blame him. How could anyone love me?
I need to give Dillon up, turn myself in and try and get a clean slate at the end of the school year. Perhaps then I can start life over fresh. The Dwi hanging over my head stops me from moving forward in so many ways. I don't want to be a pathetic loser...but I am....
I think Paul now does believe me that I was getting phone calls from other women...and realizes that I know that it was probably from the couple that had been bothering us before. He says the caller id thing was a fluke..perhaps we were getting two calls at once. I called and the phone company says that can indeed happen. I have thrown away everything I loved because of a sick couple messing with my marriage. Things were getting better until they entered the picture. Now Paul hates me. He has every right to. I accused and blamed him for everything. I was a mess. I needed him to help me...but how could he want to?
It is all my fault. I got manic, stressed out, and couldn't handle everything that was going on and took it out on him and now he is sick of me. I don't blame him. I am sick of me. I wish I wasn't such a nervous wreck. I wish I had changed the phone number sooner. I wish I didn't need meds at all. I wish I could change everything that happened. I love my husband. I love my life. I love my son. Now I will lose all.
I can't support myself writing. I can't support Dillon. I can't take care of myself let alone a child. My husband hates me for being unable to emotionally deal with being attacked by the Radfords and taking it out on him. I am losing everything. My heart is broken. I want to reach out and hold Paul and yet...he would push me away...he would probably fly across the country again to away from me... and I don't blame him. How can I? I love him. I just want him to come home. I want him to see me after my meds are adjusted now that the Radfords can't call. I want him to give me a chance to make things right. I want him to let the love I know he has for me back out into his heart. Divorce is not the answer....we can be solution oriented and not lose everything if we sit down and work together.
If he would only tell me what he needs from me to make things work in our marriage....I would do whatever he wants...I love him.
