Well, anger and frustration are not our friends. I am posting this as a warning to others out there. I have really lost my H this time.
H is at work after staying away since the 27th...he came back from his trip on the 9th he told me last night...but did not say where he stayed between the 9th and the 13th when he went back to work.
He says he is filing for a divorce, after ten years of living in constant conflict with me ...he can take no more. His mind is made up. He hates me.
He wants peace like he just had while he was away from me...except for the emails his sister got from me...he enjoyed being away from me and had a great time. He is better off without me.
I thought I was over him, too...but I am devastated. I went right back to pursuing and begging and pleading.
I tried to explain that my medication was screwed up and I even took on the blame for everything that went wrong over the holiday season. I was in short pathetic. My self esteem is now at a record low and I am so depressed I can not stand it.
I have destroyed whatever chance there was at piecing my marriage together.
He says he believes I was getting phone calls from other women...but that it was probably from the couple that had been bothering us before. He says the caller id thing was a fluke..perhaps we were getting two calls at once. I called and the phone company says that can indeed happen. I have thrown away everything I loved.
It is all my fault. I got manic and couldn't handle everything that was going on and took it out on him and now he is sick of me. I don't blame him. I am sick of me. I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't need meds. I wish I could be happy....but this proves I can't be. No matter what I try...I screw it up somehow. Even sober, I destroy what I love.
