Vero, NWL, Lisa...thank you for your advice and your stories. I am sorry that we are all going through this stuff right now. Its so hard and terrible. Everytime I think Im getting better, it gets worse. I just dont know some days if I will ever make it through:( Im glad to hear that Im not the only one who goes crazy once in awhile.
I hardly slept last night..maybe 3 hours interrupted. Everytime I woke up, I thought of H with her at her house. I know I looked like the crazy, psycho wife last night and that makes me sick that I acted that way. Its not like me and Im not sure what I needed to see and what possessed me to drive by at the exact time he was walking in??? Maybe I needed to see it again with my own eyes what he was doing.
I am having a hard time thinking how he can be at her house and know that we are here and he has no guilt over it. He clearly thinks that she is the better choice and I hate that I cannot change his mind. I know that its really not her fault and its him, but its hard not to want to blame her too.
How does a 47year old woman, start dating a 36 old man knowing he is married, with kids and not feel bad about it? It seems so strange to me? And how can he carry on, knowing that he was caught, and act like its all my fault for what he is doing?
I have cried so hard these past few hours and really am sad how things happened. I dont know that an apology to him would do anything except make him angrier. And Im kicking myself because we go to court in a week from today and Im sure he will bring this up that Im crazy.
I have laid in bed all night wondering what she has that is so great that I dont have and how can he do these things and hurt us all so much without a care in the world? I laid there just thinking about how Im pregnant, sleeping alone and feeling so darn lonely and he is with her...not even considering how we all feel over here without him.
How can he look at me and my daughters and say to us that we dont love him or care about him and he needs to be with someone who does? Do these WAS's just "forget" all that they had before they left? We had it all and he has walked away unscathed by it:(
I hate to say this, but I hope one day he suffers the most. I just hope that this relationship falls and he is left with nothing. She is all he has right now, besides his toxic parents and 2 brothers...so if this goes south, he is alone. And I hope he feels so alone one day and realizes how much damage he has done to his family. He will hardly know his new baby son either...
Vero, I have never had face to face contact with her, and tonight was the first time I saw them together, so this was really hard. I dont know how you didnt punch your H's OW in the face when you saw her and all that stuff went down. They (the H's) are truely crazy when this stuff happens. Would he have ever left your son before like that in a car on a different level? Was this something new since his affair? I know my H has done and said some weird things since all of this...things that normally would have never come out of his mouth and done things he never would have done. I just dont understand...and I dont think I ever will...
NWL, I also dont know how you did it at the concert. I would have not been able to stay calm. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are a facter, but honestly, you did a good job. (I read your other post). I am lucky for the moment that H has not exposed kids to OW and dont think he will. We actually will have it legal next week that he is NOT allowed to bring them around her, nor is he allowed to drink while having them. Right now, the kids dont even want to see him...but I know once we go court, that he will get his days. He isnt living on his own yet...but next biggest fear is that he will move in with her.
The thing is, in my sich, OW is older, widow, and has grown kids, and she also lives alone so they have all access to be alone anytime since he goes to her place. There is nothing stopping them...they are free together....
Uggg..how am I going to get through today...with all this rain and depressing storm...knowing he is with her and not with us....
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Good stuff from veroprado, listen to someone that's been there and back off!
Originally Posted By: Sweetbriar
Now, I feel like I should give up. I just dont know after all he said tonight that I have any chance. Here I sit, pregnant, at home and he is there with OW....happy and Im sure laughing and watching the game.
I guarantee you he was not laughing it up watching the game, he was stewing well into the next day I'm sure. OK, so you know what you did was wrong. But I'm not clear on if you know why it was wrong. Right now he is trying to convince himself that you are crazy, neurotic and controlling. He's building a case against you in his mind. When you follow through with DB'ing, it gets harder and harder for him to convince himself of his case and eventually he has to drop the case and see you for who you really are. But if you drive by OW's house and encourage him to get in a fight (in short- act crazy, neurotic and controlling), you validate his case. You tell him he's right.
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I am so sad. I need advice...did I totally ruin it all now?
No, it's never too late. Was it a setback? Oh yes indeed. But read Denver's threads, he had a very similar blowup with his W when he confronted OM in her house and they ended up reconciling.
Sweetbriar, The other posters have given you very good advice. First and foremost, you need to take care of you and your unborn child, as well as your other children. The focus needs to be on you and your family right now.
Please do not have any contact w/the ow and do not drive by her house again. She is nothing more than a bandaid to his emotional hurt right now. Most op have issues and are very needy, controlling and manipulative. Who knows what the two of them told each other, but a house built on sand will not last long and can't weather the storm very well. So, allow the affair to burn out on it's own. The more you discuss the ow w/your h, the more determined he will be to protect her and stay w/her.
I know that this is going to be very hard for you, but you need to completely back off and give him plenty of space and time to work on his issues. The emotional pain he is going through is very hard for people to understand because there are no wounds or bruises on the outside. There is no telling what his emotional issues are, but I bet he has a lot of childhood issues that need to be resolved.
DBing is for you and it is to help you learn how to cope. As AnotherStander pointed out, the more you DB, the harder it will be for him to justify what he's doing what he's doing. The more you try to talk to him about the relationship, the more justification he will have for doing what he's doing. Contact him only if it is an emergency or something to do w/your children or finances. If he contacts you via text or email, respond back later...don't do it right away. He needs to sense that you are busy w/other matters. You don't want to appear readily available all of the time to him.
You will need to learn to keep your expectations at zero so that you are disappointed if he doesn't not follow through on things for you and your family. Unfortuantely, while he's out of the house, you will need to ask others to assist you in getting things done. This is going to be a time that you will need to dig deeper for patience and ask God to assist you w/this.
One last thing, don't allow him to return home until he's proven to you that he is willing to jump through hoops to win you back. This means, counseling and the ow must be completely gone. He must be willing to share his passwords w/you so that you can see whether or not he's been in contact w/the ow. A revolving door to coming home this early in the game will only make him leave again. Why? Because it is easy and there was no real work done on himself.
Please take care of yourself and your children, especially during the storm.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
SB, I've read your thread but don't think I've posted to you before. You've gotten lots of good advice. Don't spend too much time worrying about whether he is WAS or MLC, you need to detach either way.
Being pregnant certainly adds another dimension, hope you are getting help and support on dealing with depression, etc. Look for resources in your area.
Try to make your life an H-free zone as much as you can. Turn the focus on you and your kids, they need it much more than he does.
The more you react to him, the more he will say "See, I told you so!" It's just not worth it. You will not change his mind.
So let him go, and continue your work on you.
You can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Don't apologize to your H or his OW. Apologize to yourself. Forgive yourself for slipping. You are human and going through a monumentally difficult time. You want to be heard, you want him to know. The fact is, right now, he doesn't care. I'm sorry that is harsh.
No court will label you as crazy. They will look at what your husband chose to do...abandon his family while his wife is pregnant...and see it for what it is, which is a hateful and irresponsible thing. Whether he is MLC or just an a$$hole, he must be responsible for his choices and his family. The court will see that he is. And at some point fate will intervene. You might not be there to see it, but anybody who does what he did will not sail easily through life. But it is not your problem.
There is much peace in acceptance. Accept what is happening at the moment and plan your future without your H. He might pull his head out of his butt at some point, but for now you need to give him enough time and space to self destruct. Do not interfere. Do not so much as look in that direction.
Make abundantly certain that you and your kids have enough financial support to be OK. Nail his b@lls to the wall if need be. Do not make it easy for him as some sort of ill conceived DBing technique. Take care of yourself and your kids.
You will be OK.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Thanks to all for the responses! I do know that I need to back off and that is what makes me so darn angry at myself...because I was doing well and have been doing my own thing for a couple weeks..only discussing kids. In fact, I havent even mentioned or asked about OW for over a month, which is what I think prompted me to do the drive by.
My mistake has brought numerous nasty texts this morning...saying how he "doesnt love me" and that "marriages end and that we need to act like adults during this" and that he "needs to work and function so he can pay my bills". He keeps repeating over and over that this is why he left and that it has nothing to do with OW. Also, that Im killing the relationship with his kids. I admit that having them along when we saw him last night was not good, but he has long since killed the relationship by acting and doing what he did.
He now has tons of reasons why he has made this choice...and he will continue to respond negatively, so I need to just stop texting him. It gets us nowhere. He is also saying that I had my chance when he was here to make things better...ummmm..I didnt even know things were wrong...
He really is in a path of self destruction...his life with OW has taken a hold of him and he is convinced that it wont get better than that...
Today has been terrible to far...why oh why did I go there yesterday...I will never know....it has ruined my day, and got us fighting again, etc...will I ever learn?
My friends and family say I need to put a period and move on. That he is not worth it and I deserve so much better...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
He repeats himself because he's trying to convince himself that the storyline is true. Once you're well outside of the narrative and his life still svcks (in his assessment) he'll have no choice but see that his life and choices are his and his alone, as is his happiness. You need to close this chapter.
Don't text. Don't engage.
With the caveat that I don't have kids so probably shouldn't say anything about it (but I do have a terrific relationship with my adult stepD and through my actions preserved her relationship with her father), put a schedule in place. Love your kids and let them navigate their relationship with their father. Say only and only when need be, that he loves them very much. If asked why he left or where he is, refer them to their father.
Your family and friends are right. Today, at this moment, you need to move on. You do not have the conditions necessary at this time to forge a relationship with your husband. You might have them in the future, but for now you do not.
Don't let yesterday's mistakes ruin your day. You cannot unring a bell, and we get nowhere if we don't look forward.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I agree w/GWN, your h is repeating himself over and over again like a broken record because he is desperately trying to convince you, but most importantly, himself that what he sees is the true storyline. Only you can determine if it's memorex or live.
If you happen to pick up the phone and he starts ranting, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. Keep in mind, you are in control of how much bs you want to hear from him. You can cut the conversation short at any time or go NC totally and not respond to his texts. If he should text you about you and the family after the storm, I'd let him know how you fared...but other than that...nc.
Don't beat yourself up over the drive by yesterday. We all do things that come back late and bite us. The most important thing is that we learn from those mistakes.
Live your life as if he may never return. It's important to make new friends and don't be shy or hesitant to ask friends and family to assist you. Today is a new day which means you can start anew.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have been following you since you first posted. I have get deeply for you with the pregnancy and the sitch.
Please move forward from this. Don't ask questions that have no answers they will only keep you stuck in a dark place.
If he spews in a text, respond with nothing. As the others have said no more engagement.
The focus is you, you and YOU. so you can be the best SB, the best mom and have the best pregnancy for a little angel that will need you more than ever in a few months.
I know it sounds easier said than done, but you can do this. I have been reading. You are strong and smart and you know what needs to be done and you know deep down inside of you that you CAN do this.
((((((( )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
My mistake has brought numerous nasty texts this morning...saying how he "doesnt love me" and that "marriages end and that we need to act like adults during this" and that he "needs to work and function so he can pay my bills".
Send him one response that says something like "I'm very sorry, I don't know why I drove by there and I've regretted it ever since. I let my emotions get the better of me. Please apologize to OW for me as well." Then if he keeps sending you more rants just ignore them.
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I admit that having them along when we saw him last night was not good, but he has long since killed the relationship by acting and doing what he did.
Please don't justify your behavior like that. You never, ever should have exposed the kids to that regardless of what you may think his R is with them. And if he really does have a poor R with them, you should be helping him/ them to rebuild it, not trying to tear it down even more. You're both using your kids against each other. This is exactly the sort of things that kids will remember with horror for years if not the rest of their lives. My brother is 49 and still remembers vividly when my dad took him (a young teen at the time) to our mom's house to confront OM. It was one of the most frightening moments of his life. Do you know who he blames for that? My dad, the one that took him. Likewise, your kids will remember YOU taking them, YOU rolling down the window, and YOU starting a fight. You might consider apologizing to them too. Sorry for the 2x4, but that's part of what these forums are about.
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He now has tons of reasons why he has made this choice...and he will continue to respond negatively, so I need to just stop texting him. It gets us nowhere.
Exactly. So is that what you're doing?
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He really is in a path of self destruction...his life with OW has taken a hold of him and he is convinced that it wont get better than that...
I guess if you keep telling yourself that then you may believe it some day, but one thing is for sure, it will never help your DB'ing efforts. If you keep seeing yourself as totally blameless and him as an evil demon bent on destruction then you'll never change. You'll just sit around wondering when he's going to change, and that will never bring him back. Quit focusing on him and start focusing on the one person you can change and control- yourself.
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My friends and family say I need to put a period and move on. That he is not worth it and I deserve so much better...
Read DR to find out how wrong they are. They only know one side of the story and they are acting accordingly. They are under the mistaken impression that if you end the M you will be "normal" and "happy". Divorce doesn't fix anything though.
