Husband (unfaithful) just told me he wants out.

[25yearsmlc]

I've been DBing and DBing, yesterday I said hi when I saw him and he barely responded. His mood is still completely dark and his face was contorted, I don't know how else to describe it! Then I thought maybe I should ignore him completely.

why? B/C you think your one moment of effort (which was a one word greeting) did not yield an immediate positive response?

BG, you have to stop using one minute "efforts" as tests. He didn't snarl at you, and I suspect your comment took him off guard b/c you've been giving him the silent treatment for some time now. Be polite b/c it's the right thing to do. Let it please YOU to be polite. Doesn't matter if it changes HIM, it matters that YOU engaged in a new behavior. IT's for YOU...make sense?

Today when he came inside I made a quick comment that there's food here if he wants it. He didn't even respond to me. I didn't say a word about it but it hurt a lot. I'm wondering a few things.

your EXPECTATIONS are hurting you. So what if he remained silent?

Why is that so hurtful GIVEN that you two have been fighting BADLY

and for such a long time and

recently, you were both silent to each other? What were you expecting/hoping for? Lose the expectations. Seriously, you'll see that phrase a lot around here. Expectations are YOURS and they're not his AND he's not a mind reader anyhow...

AND you are not really empathizing with his position well enough to see objectively how damaged and hurt HE is....

Again- I'll remind you that the changes you are making are for YOU to know you've made changes. The changes are not all about GETTING HIM TO DO x and y...that'd just be a tactical effort to control him.

Do you see the difference between you changing something in you to become a better you, VERSUS behaving differently to manipulate him into doing what you want him to do?

When he sees a modest change in your behavior (I ASSUME a one word greeting is a modest change and not radically better b/c it's not a lot...)

Don't you think HE will assume that it's the latter and not trust it yet?

Of course he's not sure what to do when you seem "polite" out of the blue.

(Sorry, but I can't quite muster up the energy to say it was "kind & generous" of you to tell him that there's food "if he wants it"...but hey, I know you're hurt and at least you spoke to him)


1) Is this normal? Why do they behave angry and like we're to be completely avoided? If you're angry and you've decided you want to leave me, what is there to be angry about?

You don't think he has the right to be angry at you for saying the things you said to him? You think his choice to leave, which he has NOT done yet, was easy and that's he at peace with it? Maybe in a few years he will be, but not anytime soon. AND fwiw,

Let me tell you what my 26 y/o son told his now ex girlfriend a few days ago (and this woman was "THE ONE" he was going to propose to at Christmas. He still loves her deeply.) She admits she has a temper. Just b/c he's a strapping young succesful man, does not mean he's immune to having his feelings hurt. So They had a big fight last week, and she admits she "lost it" and said some terrible things to him that she "didn't mean"...

He told her at the time "you can't tell someone those things and think they'll stay." He's been too hurt, too many times to trust that it won't happen again.
So he's leaving her. That saddens him (and me) b/c otherwise they're very well suited for each other. They were very much in love and have a lot in common.

I suggested the workshop EE for them last summer and they almost went, but their schedules prevented it. NOW she wants to attend in the spring...but it's too late for my son to want to try again. I truly believe she needs to change her behaviors in ways that weekly sessions in therapy won't change OR they would have by now (b/c she has seen a T whom she likes a lot, for over 19 months)


2) How do I detach with love when I can't even say hi without a weird reaction?

B/c DETACHING MEANS HIS REACTION IS IRRELEVANT...HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM... I will attach a short piece on detachment at the end of this post or in the next one. You need to read about detachment in the books AND around this site. There are many good posts on that topic.


I'm trying to detach from his behavior by not responding to it at all, but am I supposed to be acting like he's not there at all? That seems like stooping to his level.

No, you act as if you are an upbeat positive person looking forward to whatever you've got planned for that day/evening and a happy future too. You're content inwardly and project it regardless of what reaction you might get. Who cares?

It's not as if his day's activities affect yours. IF his boss snarls at him at his job, is YOUR WORKDAY ruined? No...it's a separate event. You are not "glad" his boss snarled at him, b/c you are not mean, but it's not part of your day or YOUR View of life or your day.

ALL of this will be much easier when you GAL.


3) For your own sanity, how do / did you guys need to view your spouses when they were behaving unlike themselves and said they were leaving you? If they're not currently acting anything like the people you know, yet you're still married to them and (sort of) living with them - do you try and just view them as a sick friend?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes I realized I had hurt him deeply and that men usually deal with pain, by lashing out in anger OR being passive aggressive. But in time I learned not to let HIS mood dictate what MY DAY would be like.

I decided I was exclusively in charge of MY LIFE & MY HAPPINESS and I wish I'd realized that a lot earlier.

4) What is acting as if? Does that mean acting as if things are normal, or acting as if you're happy, or what?

Sometimes it means being happy but it varies SO See the books about that, by checking the index and looking at the muliple references. For instance, IN Div Remedy, page 111 starts & mentions how negative expectations of what might happen or how our spouses will react, can lead us to pre-emptively act negatively or defensively...or send out subtle signals that bring about the very results we feared... here's a quote:

"When you expect failure & feel defeated before you approach a challenging situation; it's helpful to ask yourself how you would handle the situation differently if you were expecting a positive outcome. How might your approach to your partner if you thought he would respond lovingly? Once you identify how your actions would differ under these circumstances, 'act as if'; pretend as if you expect good things to happen and watch what happens." p 111

MWD then gives an example of how this works right on the end of that page and onto the next so check it out.

P152 another example of a slightly different form of "acting as if"...

"a spouse can say "I'm done" and really IS done,...or changes his mind OR never really meant it so it's hard to know what those words mean. TIME will tell but in the meantime, you can

see what else the book says like "Act as if you believe your marriage still has possibilities"..."keep practicing the techniques"...and more.

When you first begin making changes, understand that your spouse will not trust those changes. But the same holds true for YOU -which could mean that if he were to be nice to YOU, you might not react very positively b/c you'd interpret it as a negative or suspicious behavior, which is probably how HE felt when you uttered the one word greeting and the info about food if he wants it.

So now, knowing what you do, IF HE DOES act kind or reaches out,

you don't have to lap it up eagerly and pretend all is well or pursue him,

but you CAN act as if he's sincere.



5) How do you know if your spouse is in a MLC or just "fell out of love"?

Or a reasonable & protective response one has, when one is repeatedly hurt?
The answer is
You don't know until enough time passes.

And it isn't that relevant b/c YOUR Course of action is the same anyhow.

So it's not something to spend energy on diagnosing. Besides, searching for answers in HIM, takes away from your own personal work on YOU -where your focus should be-

and...he may not have the answers himself anyhow.


6) I feel like in some ways, I'm mostly to blame for what's happening.

have you told him this? If you do, just say it without expecting ANY response from him that "evens it out" or lets you off the hook. In fact you may want to write it down so he knows you aren't saying it for any reason other than showing your own self awareness. Of course, if your behavior doesn't change to match your "realization" then the words will be meaningless.

Again, do NOT expect or want him to respond in kind. This is not about the scorecard or "blame apportionment" or what you want to "assess" as yours or his.

IT's about YOU owning YOUR part in it, and working on yourself without ANY thought to what he "should" work on...do you get this?


While I know that can't be completely true,

why can't it be completely true that you were "mostly" to blame? You did not say "fully to blame for all", just "mostly"...

and it does NOT have to be "completely" true.

My point here is that Your wording suggests a deep need to avoid taking on an ounce more of ownership than is demanded, and I just want you to see that it's NOT about being right'

it's about being happy.

Don't be so afraid to look within. There isn't a monster inside even if the behavior were sometimes pretty damn bad--

maybe there's a fear based woman who never saw forgiveness growing up,
so she can't imagine admitting her faults AND being loved anyhow...and
who needs to learn about how to love in a healthier way.

WHen our mc's (and I mean ALL THREE) told my h that he was "acting selfish" or "behaving like a single man" it made me feel "right."

It also changed nothing.

My h kept on his journey despite their words- and sometimes blamed me for "brainwashing" them b/c I "speak well".

So what was I supposed to DO with the "verdict" of ME being "right"?

NOTHING, so it's as if I was "right - but powerless."

The more useful diagnosis would have been "25, you have some stuff YOU can work on"

and only when I got to DB and found a solution based mc, did that begin.

It's so empowering to know I have things to work on so I DO HAVE SOME control in the situation. The more it's about ME, the more I can change things...

Do you see what I mean?

Stop scorekeeping long enough so you stare at yourself and be grateful if there is a lot to work on, IN THE SENSE that it means you are not powerless.

I know no one wants to hear about their flaws, and how they may have cost them a marriage. That hurts A LOT. It takes a brave person to face their demons AND work on them....

But I think it's actually worse to hear that you were perfect---not a thing should be changed--
AND YET HE LEFT ANYHOW...


b/c then what is ever going to make you feel safe to love again?


I wonder if there are others of you who were able to eventually regain your marriages - yet you knew you were not a perfect spouse either? I guess what I'm getting at is, do they sometimes give us a second chance?

Yes. Otherwise no one would reconcile.

The key is that

for a WAS to return,

they must believe that marriage to you now,

& from this day forward,

could be better/different than before.

YOU have to DEMONSTRATE that by behavioral changes in YOU. (Not promises...but actions...and not with an eye to when HE will make his changes.)

Fair or not, it's the LBSer who makes the first change and takes the first step...and the 2nd step and the next 100 and THEN assess their needs... (And this means no matter what else happens, the LBSer is a better person for this ordeal. THAT MATTERS....b/c the next r they'll be in, with their spouse or someone else, will be better and healthier and happier)

7) Is it normal sometimes to vacillate between long moments or days of feeling like I'm totally fine and ok and peaceful about this, almost like it isn't happening - and then having moments of feeling nothing for this person? It's almost like complete contentment and then being numb about them. As if it's happening and I'm not a part of it.


That's why we call it a rollercoaster. You'll have moments and even days of clarity and peace and then fall down on your face and want to lay in the fetal position. If you "work the program" you will find that the good days get longer and more frequent, with longer periods before the next bad one...and we try to see what helps and do more of that and what hurts and do less or none of that.

DB 101, do more of what helps the m, and less/none of what hurts it.

Not about rehashing the past or talking about our childhood traumas and blah blah blah (that stuff DOES have a place in therapy, but does NOT help us TODAY

to work on our marital relationships. Sometimes the rehashing hurts us more than it helps.

Did you look up Retrovaille the marriage retreat weekend? Did you look up Essential Experience for an individual program YOU can attend?

I feel like nothing I do right now makes any difference. I know it's only been about a week and a half, but I feel like I'm putting up with something.

well maybe DBing is not for you. It does say up front you must be patient.

Check out MY timeline in my signature block and tell me if you would rather quit now and learn nothing

but know that quitting that fast isn't just a bad choice b/c you learned nothing, it's also NOT going to make you feel better.

If the time comes when YOU KNOW in your heart of hearts you've made the changes you wanted and needed to make, and over sufficient time, but maybe it was too late and OR maybe he just can't get past the pain of the past, THEN you can assess your course of action.

Patience is mandatory and it seems you have very little.

I mean, a week and a half? That's not something I can relate to or take seriously. No offense, but the thing is,

If I see it as the effort of a teenager in a high school relationship, how does your h view it?

You gave him a one word greeting ONCE, and felt angry he didn't return it... and a neutral sentence in the next interaction did not yield an answer so you want to...what? Divorce him? B/c he didn't jump at those "risky moves" of yours? So then you to want to quit or ignore him...or divorce...I mean,

Good grief. Give a new behavior a chance before you monitor for results.

BG, you said you read the DB books...Which one(s)? Hey, You read it For real? Honey you need to read them again and again til this stuff sinks in better.


Aside from doing my DBing and GAL, how do I set boundaries without being cold myself?

If you are DBing and GAL correctly, you won't be cold. You'll feel good about yourself and your future.

And what boundaries are you talking about? And finally, you're putting the cart before the horse.

Begin actually DBing, consistently, and GAL ASAP and then tell us specifically what you mean by setting a boundary. Then we'll be able to help better.

Just curious, were you married before? Was he? IF so, what happened in those marriages?

Do either of you want or have children?


I want to keep centered, but I don't understand how someone not only decides to leave, but becomes cold and distant for weeks on end.

[color:#CC0000]
Usually it's b/c they feel hurt and are protecting themselves so they do a colder form of detachment...You already admit you've been very hard on him and yet you think a week and a half of "decent" behavior should undo all that? That's not reasonable or fair and frankly, it seems a bit immature from where I sit.

Another possibility is it's b/c they want out and they are shutting out mixed emotions (like good memories) so they can keep their negative images active to justify leaving.

The LBSer's job then, is to NOT FUEL THE NEGATIVES...counter his negative images of you with positives and do it "for weeks on end" before you allow yourself to even wonder if it's working.

Be your best self over time. It's great practice. If you make a nice dinner and he eats it but says nothing, so what? He ate it. At some point, weeks from now, you can assess the value/reward of your efforts...but you are a grown up woman who wants a Marriage to succeed and who owns at least part of why it's in trouble in the first place... [/color]

This isn't to say that I'm abandoning the work I have to do on me. I'm doing that no matter what. I don't want to be that girl anymore - with or without him. I think I just need some strength. This is so odd and foreign to me.

which parts are foreign? The self work or his behavior or both?

In any case most of this is brand new for all of us. But we adapt. And you can too....

Here's one key ingredient that ALL LBSers say helped them reconcile...

we all looked within and changed US, and we did it "no matter what" the WAS was doing/thinking/saying...

b/c we did see flaws we wanted to work on and that's also b/c we wanted to know in our next relationship (with or without our present spouses)

we'd do things differently. Hang in there!