Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

I should get an award for my acting. Last night I went out with W.
She had again asked me if I was going to the party we were invited to, so I agreed. She did state we could go "as friends."

We went to a bar for a short time before going to the party. While there she was complaining about work. Suspected OM was brought up... He's been out of town this past week getting ready for his new job. It's interesting that this past week W hasn't been to a single happy hour when weeks prior she was constantly out.
She also mentioned he's moving halfway across the country for this job in 2 weeks.

She made a comment about wishing she could just wake up and be happy with EVERYTHING. She said nothing would be easier...

As we drove to the party she talked about happiness. She said has no plan. Has no idea what to do. She said she still hasn't talked to a lawyer. She believes part of the marriage vows are to think of spouses happiness as much as your own. And that she thinks that I could maybe be happier because she isn't 100% committed. She said that's what she struggles with: can she be committed to the relationship.

At the party, we laughed and had fun. She thanked me for coming and gave me kiss on cheek. Said she knew it must be hard for me and that she appreciates me coming.

When we got home she gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the lips. And thanked me for hanging out with her.
Moments later she gave me another hug and thanked me for buying the drinks at the bar. She said, "it felt like a date. It was weird."

I let her have the bed... I went into the bedroom to change. As I was leaving she said I could sleep there- that she didn't mind. So we slept in the same bed for the first time in nearly 2-3 weeks.


I has to remind myself not to put any value in her actions or comments since she was drinking.

My acting was amazing. The entire evening I was an upbeat strong man. Even though on the inside I was bouncing between rage and sadness.

I still don't know what to do with OM info, especially because he moves in 2 weeks.

I still may bring up Retrovaille...

[someguy1233]

Damn SG I'm sorry you found that email. I know how you feel. Take a deep breath and don't act out in anger. Its late and I have to be up for storm work in a few hrs. I will check in on you when I can. I will be working 16 hr days once this storm is done wreacking havoc. Tomorrow I go in for standby. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for checking in. Good luck with the storm.

[leopoldstotch]

SG how are you today? I'm glad you went to the party with your wife and acted "as if". As far as your W showing you affection it's pretty normal behavior for your sitch. I know my W was like that the second time we "separated " in house. Now as far as you finding that pic. Have you decided to tell your W? As you know she most likely won't come clean about having an A. IMHO if I found my W with a pic like that I would think she was having an A. There's no reason for a married woman to have pics of anor her man especially with a towel barely covering their junk.

You have to do what's best for you. I know you are hurting bud but you also deserve to be treated with respect and not lied to which I think she is doing. If you tell her what u found remember to keep your cool because she is going to flip out on you. However you may want to gather more info but I think you know what's going on. I know what my W was doing when she was at happy hour several times a week. Stay strong you can get thru this.

[someguy1233]

Today I'm trying not to get my hopes up and remain grounded.

When we were putting S to bed she looked me in the eyes and said, "you know... you really are the best dad in the world. You know that, right?"

Last night W asked if I wanted to watch TV after S went to bed. I agreed. In the past when things were good she always sat on a different couch. She complained that "my" couch was uncomfortable. I knew she was feeling different when she laid down on the uncomfortable couch next to me.

She wanted to talk...

She brought up quitting her job and finding a way to stay home with S. This is something that we had discussed months ago as a possible goal. We both hate how much time S spends in daycare.

She's putting serious thought into the possibility that her hatred of her job and where we live is affecting her view on our relationship and maybe our relationship isn't so bad. She told her mom that the anxiety caused by her job is actually worse than the anxiety caused by our relationship.

I offered to sit down and review finances to see what it would take for her to stay home. She wants to do this tonight.

We talked about our close friends that have very little money. They are happy. They have a simpler life. We discussed how we would have to completely change our lifestyle but a simpler life could be easier and have less stress for both of us. She said it may really help her outlook on us.

She said that her hatred towards where we live might not exist if she didn't work. Her problem isn't WHERE we live, but rather the commute. She hates spending 1.5-2 hours per day in the car.

She said she could start cooking again because she'd be home. This is her favorite past time. She can rarely do it due to the time constraints of commuting/working/caring for S.

We slept in the same bed again. In the past we were always touching while falling asleep. There's still no physical contact.

This morning she followed up with an email outlining some of our finances and her ideas to cut down our spending.

I think I need to hold off on talk of OM with her. If we reconcile or things slide backwards it will be brought up. There are serious trust issues here. But now may not be the best time, especially since he's moving away in 2 weeks. I'm trying to remain grounded and have no expectations. I have to remind myself that this could just be another hill in the roller-coaster.

[AnotherStander]

I just found the bomb of info...
W left her email open on the family computer.
1. Her crazy friend is helping her find apartments.
2. She received a poem from crazy friend about how everyone gets hurt sometime. It read as a poem about justifying her actions.
3. W forwarded this poem to suspected OM at her work.
4. W has a mirror picture of suspected OM wearing nothing but a towel, barely cover his junk.

I don't know what's to do with this info.

Nothing, do nothing. You found it because you were snooping. You shouldn't have been snooping. If you say anything about it she'll know you were snooping and she will know you don't trust her. It will be a huge setback. Just forget it. So he sent her a picture, you don't know what her reaction was. She may have thought "gross, why did he send this to me?" Men like women to send half-naked pictures to them. Women do not like men to send half-naked pictures to them. But men think women like it because men do. Mars and Venus.

As we drove to the party she talked about happiness. She said has no plan. Has no idea what to do. She said she still hasn't talked to a lawyer.

Does she read books? If so you might think about getting her The Happiness Trap. It's an interesting book that talks about the whole concept of how Hollywood and society have totally skewed our views on what happiness and other emotions are. Happiness is one of many emotions we experience throughout the day. The book teaches that we can experience these emotions regardless of what they are without letting them change our worldview, and that we should allow all emotions rather than labeling some "good" and others "bad" and trying to embrace good ones while rejecting bad ones. Chasing happiness is EXACTLY what makes people unhappy. Your W's confusion is a good thing, it points to her understanding that leaving is probably not going to bring the "happiness" she thinks she wants.

She believes part of the marriage vows are to think of spouses happiness as much as your own. And that she thinks that I could maybe be happier because she isn't 100% committed.

Again, it's a misconception that we should be "happy" all the time. The book will help with that understanding. We can be "content" while experiencing a very wide range of emotions from day-to-day and even minute-to-minute.

When we got home she gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the lips. And thanked me for hanging out with her.
Moments later she gave me another hug and thanked me for buying the drinks at the bar. She said, "it felt like a date. It was weird."

Awesome baby step!!!

As I was leaving she said I could sleep there- that she didn't mind. So we slept in the same bed for the first time in nearly 2-3 weeks.

Even better baby step!!!

I has to remind myself not to put any value in her actions or comments since she was drinking.

Baby steps are to be celebrated internally, but externally act "as if" and stick with your DB'ing. There is no reason not to get excited about baby steps

When we were putting S to bed she looked me in the eyes and said, "you know... you really are the best dad in the world. You know that, right?"

There it is again, great baby step!

I knew she was feeling different when she laid down on the uncomfortable couch next to me.

And again!

She brought up quitting her job and finding a way to stay home with S. This is something that we had discussed months ago as a possible goal.

And again!! Talking about the future, with you and S. This is all really fantastic!! I think you're so convinced there's no future that you're afraid to see all these steps, but man, from someone outside your sitch these all add up to huge progress!

[eyesopen]

AS is 100% right on. As hard as it is too not think about OM, I think you need to get him out of your head. Right now for whatever reason you are looking like the best man. Build on that.

[someguy1233]

Nothing, do nothing. You found it because you were snooping. You shouldn't have been snooping. If you say anything about it she'll know you were snooping and she will know you don't trust her. It will be a huge setback. Just forget it. So he sent her a picture, you don't know what her reaction was. She may have thought "gross, why did he send this to me?" Men like women to send half-naked pictures to them. Women do not like men to send half-naked pictures to them. But men think women like it because men do. Mars and Venus.

It was a picture that she emailed her self. Most likely it was received as a text message and she emailed it and filed it away. She was clearly saving it rather than deleting it.

Does she read books? If so you might think about getting her The Happiness Trap. It's an interesting book that talks about the whole concept of how Hollywood and society have totally skewed our views on what happiness and other emotions are. Happiness is one of many emotions we experience throughout the day. The book teaches that we can experience these emotions regardless of what they are without letting them change our worldview, and that we should allow all emotions rather than labeling some "good" and others "bad" and trying to embrace good ones while rejecting bad ones. Chasing happiness is EXACTLY what makes people unhappy. Your W's confusion is a good thing, it points to her understanding that leaving is probably not going to bring the "happiness" she thinks she wants.

Thanks, I'll look into this book.

And again!! Talking about the future, with you and S. This is all really fantastic!! I think you're so convinced there's no future that you're afraid to see all these steps, but man, from someone outside your sitch these all add up to huge progress!

Thanks, AS. I really appreciate your post. I guess I see the signs as positive, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up. She seems to swing in her thoughts/opinions so fast that I can't keep up.

[someguy1233]

AS is 100% right on. As hard as it is too not think about OM, I think you need to get him out of your head. Right now for whatever reason you are looking like the best man. Build on that.

I've pretty much tried to stop being so concerned with OM. Since he moves across the country in 2 weeks it may become slightly less of an issue.

If we reconcile, I'll bring up the vague conversation of trust and "other people." We've been down rocky roads before, and I'm not oblivious to the fact that she has a pattern of behavior. There's trust issues that will have to be worked through.

In the mean time, I'll continue with my same DB behaviors. They seem to be working thus far.

Thanks for posting

[someguy1233]

It’s been another interesting 24 hours.

Yesterday during a casual email exchange she said, “I’m fond of you.”

Last night I walked in the door and picked up S. I asked him, “Do you have a hug for me?” W responded, “yes” with a smile. She was speaking for herself, not for S. (She didn’t give a hug)

Last night she referred to us as “estranged husband and wife.” For some reason this really hurts.

She told her mom we are looking into ways for her to stay home with S instead of working. Her mom is very supportive.

On the drive to work this morning we talked more about the finances and logistics of her staying home. She said that she could meet me at the door in an apron with a whiskey. 1950’s style. I had to laugh at the thought… but it sure would be nice!

She said that “when we were talking about her getting apartment, how would that have worked?” She was referring to the financial aspect. The key to this comment was the PAST tense of the comment… she hasn’t mentioned moving out in a week.

She made a comment that if things go well with her staying home we could possibly think about having another kid. This is something I used to push for. Obviously this isn’t something I’m interested in any time soon given our sitch….

The radio morning show was talking about swingers. She laughed and jokingly said maybe we should get a “guest star.” This seemed odd since we haven’t had relations in weeks. I guess she’s not repulsed by the idea if she’s making this type of comment.

She’s also interviewing for a job next week… she seems to be grabbing for ANYTHING that can get her out of the job she hates.

Her comments at this point have all been based on quitting work. She has yet to discuss our relationship any further. She did sleep in the same bed again last night. She still doesn’t wear her ring and seems to avoid any physical contact. I’m still giving her space and am avoiding initiating any contact or bringing up R talk.

[someguy1233]

Last night W went out after work. I didn’t see her until she came home, shortly after I went to bed.
She crawled up next to me and snuggled close and said, “Thank you for being patient with me.”
She jokingly said, “You didn’t think I would get easier (to deal with), especially after I had a kid?”
I just laid there holding her and she said, “I love you” and kissed my arm. She fell asleep as we held each other.

This morning on the drive to work she said she was feeling much better. She said her Chi feels much more centered. She feels things might just be ok.

A big part of me isn’t sure what to do long term and how to keep these problems from happening. It seems W freaks out about once per year, sometimes more often. Her world seems to fall apart around her and she threatens our relationship. This isn’t healthy and I can’t keep going through this cycle. We need to find some way to stop this. I’m really hoping she follows through with finding a good therapist for herself.

This morning I told her that I’d been thinking about our communication. I referenced an earlier conversation and told her she was right: our communication is horrible. We speak words but don’t listen. We don’t speak clearly, etc. I told her about Retrovaille and asked her to join me. She agreed to go.