Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Great White,
You are correct on some fronts. It's a long sitch - this is my third thread. We have made a lot of progress. At the beginning of the summer he was threatening D and I have since found out he went to a L a month ago prepared to file. We have gone from him not talking to me at all to now him eating dinner with us and us riding in the same car. So there has been A LOT of progress, and I believe I got there mostly in the last month, because of my kind and loving behavior.

So I've gotten to this point and now feel stuck because of HIS inertia. To summarize the sitch very quickly - H has deep seated abandonment issues because his mother left the family when he was a young teen. These started to surface in our R about 5 years ago when I was recovering from cancer. As a result, he emotionally retreated and I reached out to someone else (EA). We barely recovered from that. 2011 was a very stressful year for a variety of reasons, and the cycle repeated - he retreated, I reached out (EA2). At this point (June 2012) he threw me out of the house and has not taken any responsibility for his part in the sitch. Now I'm back and we've reached this point.

So yes, the current situation is clearly wrong on many levels and I'm struggling with how to fix it. I have done everything RIGHT as far as I'm concerned and we can't go on like this forever. Yet, I don't feel like we're on strong enough footing yet for me to push for what I know I need.

So now the question is, how do I change tactics? I could STOP being loving and kind, but that's not likely to help. I could CONTINUE being loving and kind and suck it up (current status quo). So I am seriously stuck between a rock and a hard place. Probably what I need to do is gently remind him that I need to be appreciated. At times he does throw out a thank you but not lately.

Any thoughts on how to do this delicately but firmly? He needs to know this is unacceptable but I run the risk of upsetting the apple cart. Historically I have not been good with boundaries and have let him walk all over me, and his behavior has been abusive. I was going to say borderline abusive, but no, it was actually verbally and emotionally abusive.

For the record I want to reiterate that I do know that his emotional absence is an absolute dealbreaker for me and I will D him if we can't fix that.