Hello! 20 year marriage teetering on the brink...

[AnotherStander]

I feel sad that he is trying so hard to make me back off, to want to get out, and I felt like he is winning. He is having fun and he doesn't need me.

First, he's not winning anything. Michele points out in DR that all the facts show that in D both people nearly always lose unless there's physical violence involved. Second, don't assume his life is perfect and fun without you, it very likely isn't. Even if he is acting like it is, chances are he's thinking about you a lot and trying to sort through whether he really wants to do this or not. There are a few former WAS's that post here and they've all mentioned that they acted calm and confident on the outside about their decisions, but they were anything but that on the inside.

Which is where you and I differ. You said one of your issues was yelling at the wife and kids, where as I NEVER yelled, and preferred to "keep the peace" at all costs, which made me appear un confident or weak. She really never fought much either, but the few times she did, my calm refusal to engage would only infuriate her even more! The bottom line is we need to improve our conflict resolution skills, which is one of the things I've been working on.

Quite right, and as I mentioned above communicating at the adult-adult level has really worked wonders for us. W and I have resolved several issues post-BD that could easily have made things worse between us but instead were resolved quite amicably. It's frustrating to learn all these wonderful tools (like DB'ing, 5LL, communication levels, etc.) so LATE in the game!!!!! They are so effective, would be nice to learn about them while the marriage is still strong rather than when it's imploding.

Actually, a "fight" now and then is a good thing, lots of passion during and after, which can lead to a tighter connection. It's when fighting becomes the norm that it becomes destructive.

I know what you mean, I had GF's before W in which we had those passionate fights that resulted in negotations and wonderful making up periods. That's never, ever happened with W though. Whenever I fought she would cower. And there was never a making up period afterwards, just the silent treatment followed by acting like nothing happened.

Hi AS,
I feel for you trying to detach with a child. It seems as though I become the sitter when her exciting plans happen to fall on the days she has him.

I really feel for people who are going through this with really young kids or even babies. That has got to be incredibly tough. At least I don't have to change diapers or make sure they're not eating the furniture I like having them so if W asks me to keep them I'm more than happy to. She's been doing the opposite though, she wants to take them as much as she can on my weeks! Sometimes I let her and sometimes I don't because we already have other plans. Maybe it's an indication she's not so into the swingin' single life after all.

I'm trying to detach and actually get a couple of days without contact, but it seems there is always something to discuss or arrange.

LOL! I know exactly what you mean, there have been days where I thought "OK, today actually looks like a no contact day" and then by the end of it something comes up and W either calls or comes by. We've been separated almost 2 months and I bet there have only been 4 or 5 total NC days.

This gave me the opportunity to tell her that I wanted to have him for the sake of spending time with him, nothing else, so it's still on.

That's good, especially if it's something she complained about before and is a 180 for you. My W complained that I spent too much time watching TV and not enough with the kids. And she was right. That's been one of my 180's, I'm much more involved with the kids and really cut back on TV. Now I only watch it if the kids want to watch something (which isn't often) or if I'm there alone and have finished all my chores for the day.