Still together but trying to save this

[Beardown]

fuanacdc

I have read a lot of great advice on this forum and am just wondering what your heart says about moving forward with signing papers? If you want to fight read my post above Denver said it best! Fight! Make her move forward with the divorce. My W wanted a D back in July but I backed off and it hasn't been brought up since. She has begun texting and calling here and their so I know DBing is working. You sound like your on the right track but need some patience. We all know first hand that is easily said not done! Focus on the 180's they will notice when they are ready. Stay strong.

[Denver_2010]

Denver,

1) I ended up sending something a little more generic. I believe it was, 'Things are going very well thanks!'

2) She has not really been initiating contact all that much more. Only when she needs something or wants her things. I haven't really gotten an unsolicited text where she just wanted to say hi, how are you doing. e.g. She will say, 'Hey let me know when I can come get my things. How is everything going?'

3) LRT really won't do me a whole lot of good if she avoids contact with me like the plague.

4) I plan on getting it all together for her this weekend. I am going to probably rent out a storage unit so she can get it at her leisure. It is too much to take in one trip.

5) This is what kills me. There is no chance that he is going to be out of the picture. She defends him over everyone. You would think they were already married. I wish she would have defended me like that.

6) Nothing has been filed yet. I am getting to the point where I think I need to start getting that together. I need to protect myself. The sad truth is that if I served her papers she would most likely sign them quickly.

1) Your response was good. Again, I think that you need to be in LRT. Continue to let her initiate contact. Respond politely with short, to the point, answers. Don't open the door for her to reply back by asking questions of her. To me that is letting her know that she has the continuing option of conversing with you. Let her wonder about that. If she wonders enough, she will continue to initiate contact. At some point, she may actually begin to worry that she losing that option.

2) Hmmm... seems to me that she has asked inquisitive questions. She is not being cold towards you. At this stage, you can't ask for too much more than that.

3) You have to give LRT time to work. It may not. But you have not given it any time at all. I'm talking 3-6 months before you even assess.

4) Good plan.

5) There is ALWAYS a chance. She will see his warts eventually. Fact is, that MOST affairs do not last. The statistics on relationships beginning at the end of a M being successful are not good. The question that you have to ask yourself is if you want to be there if that happens.

6) Not if you answer 'yes' to the question directly above. Why do anything at all right now? I don't see the point unless there is some legal issue in your state that would cause you to be hurt financially if you don't file sooner rather than later. You certainly are in no position emotionally to date or start another R. So why the rush?

[Denver_2010]

Denver_2010,

I haven't received any feedback these past few days but have been reading a lot of posts. I have spent the better part of three days reading your sitch and am pumped to fight for my marriage. I love your logic...
Be the better man - This is where you apply all of the DB techniques that you read about.

GAL - this is about enjoying your own life and helps with detachment, but it is also about becoming a better person. A person who is not unhappy, predictable, and bitter towards your situation. Those are all unattractive qualities and don't help "being the better man". GAL helps you have a PMA... helps you have some happiness in your life... makes you seem less predictable... makes you exciting... helps you smile a bit. These ARE attractive qualities, and do help you be "the better man".

180s - Being the better man includes figuring out where you have come up short in fulfilling the needs of your W and your M and fixing them... in yourself. What is it about OM that your W finds attractive? OM is definitely meeting some need that your W has. Whatever it is, you need to start working on it, doing it, doing a 180.

Be the man that your W fell in love with. That person IS the better man when compared to OM. Your W married you!!! NOT OM. Once upon a time, your W chose you as the better man... over all men!! Be that person again! I cannot stress this enough.

These are the weapons that we need to use for this WAR. And don't let anyone fool you, that's what this is if you choose to fight it. You don't fight it with ultimatums to your W, threats to D your W, personal threats to OM, or other tactics that have been referred to on this board as the "hard line approach".

I would love some feedback on my sitch Denver you are a vet that I admire. Same with you fuanacdc I am going to read your sitch right now as I am in a similar situation where my W is having an PH that started a few months before the seperation.

^^^^ Yes! ^^^^ I could not have summed it up any better than that BD. You also added PATIENCE to the above equation. That and TIME are probably the most important things that you have to learn at the beginning.

I will look for your thread BD.

Denver

[eyesopen]

I would like to add something about renting the storage unit. Unless you need the space in your home I wouldn't move any of it much less spend money on a storage unit. It seems to me it may come off as weak. Like you can't even face her. If you are there when she comes to get it great, you can show her you are unaffected by her decision. If your not there, maybe your out having a good time.

[Denver_2010]

I would like to add something about renting the storage unit. Unless you need the space in your home I wouldn't move any of it much less spend money on a storage unit. It seems to me it may come off as weak. Like you can't even face her. If you are there when she comes to get it great, you can show her you are unaffected by her decision. If your not there, maybe your out having a good time.

That IS a good point. Can you move it into your garage or something? I still think that you should not be there when she gets it. You should be "out" and being "busy".

Nothing good can come from you being there when she gets it.

[PeteWyo]

Ok so update on my situation. I did move her things into storage. I told her that I didn't want her to have to count on me being around to get her things since I was out and about and not home reliably. I told her that today. She was thankful and said that I didn't have to go through so much trouble. Later she sent me this email:


"I'm sorry (husband), I know that we are staying in touch until we get this all figured out and that you probably can not wait to stop having to deal with all of this....I just want to know that you're really okay. I'm sorry if it ever seems like i'm prying or being nosey or anything....you just don't ever reply when I ask about anything, but I realize that I guess i'm probably overstepping, but I really don't mean to be doing that. I understand that you'd rather not have anything to do with me at this point and that I should be respectful of that...I just wanted to apologize. None of this is easy, and I am so sorry for everything...you have to know and understand that please."

I feel like this is backfiring. The short responses and non-communication. I want nothing more than to tell her that I forgive her and I want her to come back. I want to move away and start over. This is an opportunity for me to respond in a couple of different ways. What should I say??? Any suggestions. Is this progress or is this just her way of moving on?

[MrBond]

This is progress. You don't need to respond to this.

Time for you to keep moving on.

[PeteWyo]

No response at all? Not even something to let her know I would still take her back or that I'm not mad? She just sent me a text message saying "I'm so sorry". I assume that she just got to the storage unit with her things in it. If I don't respond, isn't that saying I'm still mad and want nothing to do with her. Shouldn't I say something like, "its ok babe, I have learned so much about me and life in general as a result of this. I'm in a really good place right now actually." That is what I would do if I wasn't taking advice here anyway. Thoughts?

[MrBond]

You've already said that before. And you've already told her that before.

"If I don't respond, isn't that saying I'm still mad and want nothing to do with her."

No. You do this and she'll know that you're always her "back-up". You have to show her that you've moved on.

"That is what I would do if I wasn't taking advice here anyway."

How's that working out for you?

[PeteWyo]

How's what going, taking advice from DBers?

I just dont want to come across mean or a jerk by not responding at all. That is that the person I am nor the person she would ever want to be around.