Thank you MRS. You are so right. I bet that quite a lot of us are "fixers" and that is what makes this so hard. I know I can't fix him and trying to fix the crappy, heartachy feeling in me is challenging.

Mornings were never my favourite time of the day and now they seem to be the worst time of the day for me.

The constant ache in my chest that I cannot will away.

I thought by taking some time off from the obessive research, reading and planning would do me some good. Not really, as it turns out. I am still in the "is this really happening?" stage.

My rational mind says yes, it is. My new reality is that the person I trusted most in this world betrayed me and is now with someone else. And in my most honest moments, I have to concede that our long distance relationship has very little chance of appealing to an MLCer whose personality and desires have truly become the opposite of what they were. The OW is there with him physically and that counts for a lot.

He called this weekend to chat but I was not home to answer the phone. The contact is positive, I think, so I go UP....and then when I returned his call late the next day, he was not home or did not pick up. I immediately think he is with OW, and DOWN I go.

All the advice is to DETACH. Just a word for me right now, I am afraid.

Yesterday afternoon, I was feeling OK. I did do some DR reading. I am trying to "start with a beginner's mind" and try to think of us as we were when we were first starting to get to know each other. It is so hard to do. And I hate the OW is there complicating things. I know it is wrong but I just cannot help but feel if she was not there that this would be somehow easier. Then, I think that maybe it is necessary for her to be there so that he can figure out exactly what it is that he wants. I am trying not to dwell on the fact that he may decide OW is what he wants.

I am trying my best to get a grip on my own emotions, but even three months in, I just cannot seem to marshall them.

My first, small GAL goal is to function better at work.

My DBing goal for the next few weeks are to "Act As if" we are still the best of friends - warm, light and friendly when we speak - so that we will both be comfortable enough to meet in a month's time when I am visiting in the area. (If we do not see each other, I still have plenty reason to enjoy my visit!) But the last time that I was nearby and he did not see me, it really bothered him. I know because he repeatedly brought it up - I never did. I am trying not to look too far forward though. I do not want to feel so disappointed.

Sigh. I recognize this is a growing experience but man, does it hurt - mentally and physically.