Sweetbriar, The other posters have given you very good advice. First and foremost, you need to take care of you and your unborn child, as well as your other children. The focus needs to be on you and your family right now.
Please do not have any contact w/the ow and do not drive by her house again. She is nothing more than a bandaid to his emotional hurt right now. Most op have issues and are very needy, controlling and manipulative. Who knows what the two of them told each other, but a house built on sand will not last long and can't weather the storm very well. So, allow the affair to burn out on it's own. The more you discuss the ow w/your h, the more determined he will be to protect her and stay w/her.
I know that this is going to be very hard for you, but you need to completely back off and give him plenty of space and time to work on his issues. The emotional pain he is going through is very hard for people to understand because there are no wounds or bruises on the outside. There is no telling what his emotional issues are, but I bet he has a lot of childhood issues that need to be resolved.
DBing is for you and it is to help you learn how to cope. As AnotherStander pointed out, the more you DB, the harder it will be for him to justify what he's doing what he's doing. The more you try to talk to him about the relationship, the more justification he will have for doing what he's doing. Contact him only if it is an emergency or something to do w/your children or finances. If he contacts you via text or email, respond back later...don't do it right away. He needs to sense that you are busy w/other matters. You don't want to appear readily available all of the time to him.
You will need to learn to keep your expectations at zero so that you are disappointed if he doesn't not follow through on things for you and your family. Unfortuantely, while he's out of the house, you will need to ask others to assist you in getting things done. This is going to be a time that you will need to dig deeper for patience and ask God to assist you w/this.
One last thing, don't allow him to return home until he's proven to you that he is willing to jump through hoops to win you back. This means, counseling and the ow must be completely gone. He must be willing to share his passwords w/you so that you can see whether or not he's been in contact w/the ow. A revolving door to coming home this early in the game will only make him leave again. Why? Because it is easy and there was no real work done on himself.
Please take care of yourself and your children, especially during the storm.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
